An elderly woman had three cats that she was very close to. One day, one of the three cats died. She hated to part with any of them so she buried the first one in her back yard. Later on, the second one died. She buired that one near her back steps. A few years later, the third one died. She refused to bury the third one so she put it in a small satchel and carried it around... Read More »
Do you have what it takes to do standup? Of course not, so post your jokes here instead.
You're a jerk when you're drunk...
A man decides to visit New York and take in the sites. On his last day in town he goes to the bar at the top of the Empire State Building for a few drinks. While there, he can’t help but boast about his hometown, saying to anyone around him how great it is compared to New York. Most of the patrons are trying to ignore him, but one grizzled drunk nursing a drink at the bar decides he has had enough. He takes a sip of his drink, turns the out-of –towner and declares, “Listen, we have something here in New York you can’t find anywhere else, and I’ll prove it to you.” The drunk man than walks over to the window by the baby grand where a pianist has been plunking half-heartedly at showtunes for the past hour. Setting his drink on the top of the piano, the drunk opens the window and invites the tourist over. The pianist stops playing and everyone except the bar tender turns to watch the now emboldened drunkard announce, “I can step out on this ledge, jump off it, and the wind will take me right back up when I hit the 10th story.” The tourist thinks the man has lost it, and is about to say so when the drunk steps out on the ledge and jumps. Horrified, the tourist rushes over to watch the guy plummet past the 30th story, the 20th story all the way down to the 10th, and then, like magic, the man raises back up and steps back onto the ledge. The tourist is floored. “Do that again, that was incredible!” Shrugging, the drunk jumps off the ledge again and falls down past the 30th story, the 20th story, to the 10th, and then he floats right back up to the ledge, steps in and grabs his drink from the piano and saunters back to the bar. By this time the tourist is beside himself. “Someone come take my picture,” he says. “The folks back home aren’t going to believe this.” He then steps out on the ledge, takes a deep breath and jumps. Down he falls past the 30th story, the 20th story, the 15th story the 10th story the 5th story… SPLAT, right into the sidewalk. The pianist slowly closes the window, and starts to play a somber tune while the rest of the bars patrons wander back to their tables, aghast. At this point the bar tender looks up from cleaning the glasses and speaking to the drunk man who instigated the whole affair states, “You know what? You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
uPick is a new feature on CollegeHumor where YOU the user upload a story or picture to a category. You then vote up or down these stories as you see fit.