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uPick

Shut Up and Drink the Bud Light

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I’m not arguing Bud Light is the greatest brew ever made. There are countless varieties of beer out there, most of which taste great and all of which get you drunk. If you want to travel the world to sample the finest wares master brewers have to offer, more power to you. But if you claim you can’t knock back a Bud Light because it would offend your delicate palate, you’re not distinguishing yourself as a connoisseur; you’re just pointing out to everyone in the room that you’re a picky douche. Bud Light might not be the most complex beverage in existence, but it’s still a potable liquid that contains alcohol. If you honestly can’t handle it, you either have a serious medical condition or a vagina. Adulthood is going to be tough for you, unless you really are a woman in which case you can probably just wear a low-cut dress and everything will work itself out. And let’s be honest: After the first three or four beers, it really doesn’t matter what it tastes like. Before you tell me you only drink one beer a night and this evening’s selection is a dynamically flavorful microbrew made by blind monks in Luxemburg, realize that every time you turn into the Travel Channel everyone around you has to binge drink just to resist the urge to punch you in the face.

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