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Rants
uPick

Chimps Are Dicks

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Chimps are dicks. Anytime an environmentalist tells you humans are the only species that kills its own kind, they’re lying. Chimps do it all the time. Sometimes, they kill to overthrow the existing group leader. Other times, they kill and eat weak members of their society just because they can. In the animal kingdom, boredom is an acceptable justification for murder and cannibalism. The only thing chimps hate more than other chimps are humans. If you come within arm’s reach of a chimpanzee, it will do everything in its power to literally rip your face off. Chimps don’t even eat faces. They tear them off for the same reason we pop bubble wrap: It’s fun, and it makes a cool sound. There’s no such thing as a peaceful chimp; there are only chimps currently engaged in face ripping and chimps waiting for you to come a little closer.

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