Jokes

Do you have what it takes to do standup? Of course not, so post your jokes here instead.

Jokes
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Handsome

If a twosome is sex with two people, and a threesome is sex with three people, then now I know why I keep getting called handsome

#1
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1 Armed Man

I saw a one armed man walking into a second-hand store. I told him, "I don't think you're gonna find what you're looking for in here."

#2
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Expecting women to make sandwiches

It isnt sexist because sexism is wrong, and being wrong is for women.

#3
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Sex Joke

If you make a joke while having sex is it considered an inside joke?

#4
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Parrot

A Jewish man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and asks, "Hey, where did you find that?" The parrot responds, "In Brooklyn, they are all over the place."

#5
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Forest

If a man is in a forest and he has an opinion, and a woman isn't around to hear it, is he still wrong?

#6
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Bad news

A man comes back from the doctor's office looking really depressed. His wife asks "What's wrong dear?". "Oh, the doctor ran some tests and told me I'm going to have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life." "Well, that'd not so bad" replied the man's wife, "why is that so upsetting?". "The doctor only gave me four... Read More » pills."

#7
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Physics

Did you hear the joke about Einstein? It was relatively good.

#8
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Rich vs. Poor

There's a rich guy and a poor guy having a conversation one day. The rich guy was saying how it was his wife's birthday last week. The poor guy inquires, "Oh yeah? What did someone like you buy her?" The rich guy responds, "Well I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes-Benz". Puzzled the poor guy asks, "why would you get her both?". To which the... Read More » rich guy retorts, "well if she didn't like the diamond, she has a new Mercedes, and if she doesn't like the Mercedes she always has the diamond ring". The poor guy says, "I know what your mean, a few months ago it was my wife's birthday. I bought her a new pair of slippers and a dildo". The rich guy inquires, "that's a strange combination why the slippers and the dildo", to which the poor guy responded, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself".

#9
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chemistry

i told a couple chemistry jokes yesterday.....there was no reaction

#10
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February

"February" is too hard to spell. I date everything "Black History Month" instead.

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Rollerblades

What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay.

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Helen Keller

Why can't Hellen Keller drive? .... .... .... .... because she's a woman.

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Limp Egg

What did the egg say to the boiling water? "it will take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by a chick!"

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I'm a Little Bit Country

How do you get your car, your dog, your wife, your kids, and your house back? Rewind a country song.

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Chemistry

How often do I tell jokes about chemistry? Periodically.

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Truth

"You can't hold a candle to this!" - Guy holding a barrel of gasoline

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The little blue dress

A young woman walks into the laundromat to drop off a little blue dress for dry cleaning. She turns around to leave, and the woman behind the register leans over, raising a hand to wave politely, and says, "Come again!" Enraged, the customer turns around and yells, "It's toothpaste, you nosy bitch!"

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Posters

I've got 24 posters in my room. All 3 of them feature Jack Bauer pointing a gun at someone.

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13 margaritas

A man walks into a bar and orders 13 margaritas and the bartender looks at the man and says "hell of an order, what are you celebrating?" The man looks back at the bartender and says "I'm celebrating my first blow job." The bartender gives the guy a huge smile and replies "well why don't I give you a 14th margarita on the house?" The man smiles... Read More » and and kindly turns down the bartenders offer and says "nah if 13 doesn't get the taste out I don't know what will."

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