Jokes

It's ironic that I drink coffee to be productive, but end up spending an hour pooping 10 minutes later.

The website said XXX girls, but they clearly only had two X chromosomes

Sometimes I just look at people and think "for real? That's the sperm that won?"

"Thank you so much for offering a second helping but I'm saving myself for dessert. A few more bites and I'd be much too bloated to have sex with the chocolate cake."

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Fun Fact, anyone who thinks random facts are fun are actually just nerds

If F**k You was censored as Forget You, what does that say about Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

Rihanna should date Lebron James... Lebron doesn't beat anyone.

If turtles actually knew karate and ate pizza, a lot more people would have pet turtles.

Roosters call their penises "guys."

Why does Mr Universe always come from the Planet Earth?

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we have blind people a broom instead of a cane? Just an idea...

If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.

I'd like to get into French real estate. I'm going to buy an old Parisian apartment building, renovate it, and call it the Napoleon Complex.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You show me ONE man on this planet who isn't a pervert and I'll show you my penis!

"You know what they say, one man's treasure is another man's treasure."-Blackbeard

I can't stand sitting.

I have no rear view mirrors, so I just make sure I'm going faster than everybody else.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried in the first place.