Jokes

Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed math, I would have 23 cents

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

If a twosome is sex with two people, and a threesome is sex with three people, then now I know why I keep getting called handsome

People say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

So, I tried to start a support group for people with sexual disfunction... Nobody came.

the awkward moment when an atheist sneezes

Medical Fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would be dead.

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest. The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!" The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!" The Miller CEO says, in turn: "I'll have the good ol' taste of a triple-hops brewed Miller!" The CEO of Guinness... Read More »ler!" The CEO of Guinness ponders for a moment and says to the bartender: "Oh, I'll just have a Coke." Bewildered, the other 3 CEOs stare and ask why he didn't order a beer. The Guinness CEO shrugged and said "Well, if you weren't ordering beer, I didn't think I would either".

I almost had a threesome on valentines day. I just needed two more people

If John has 30 candy bars and eats 25 of them. What does John have left? Diabetes, John has diabetes.

i was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, ''13....13.....13''. the fence was too high to see over, but i saw a little gap in the planks, so i looked through to see what was going on.... some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. then they all started shouting ''14...14....14''

Q: What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women

i told a couple chemistry jokes yesterday.....there was no reaction

Two men walk into a bar, the first man says "I'll have an H2O." the second man says "That sound's good, I'll have an H2O, too." The second man died . . .

I used to listen to dubstep in the 90's . . . every time I hooked my computer up to the internet

A doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he said, "some asshole has my pen."

"Wanna hear a joke about sodium hypobromite?" "NaBrO."