Jokes

I have the brain of a 5 year old. It's in a jar at my house.

The website said XXX girls, but they clearly only had two X chromosomes

I'd be a prostitute.

Apparently, Virgin Megastore is getting back into business, only under a brand new name, "All Of Justin Beiber's Albums."

It's ironic that I drink coffee to be productive, but end up spending an hour pooping 10 minutes later.

I don't like to play on jungle gyms- I prefer to play on words.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Sometimes I just look at people and think "for real? That's the sperm that won?"

I've had it with the Harry Potter jokes. I'm Sirius!

What did 50 cent say when his grandma sowed him a sweater? "Gee, you knit?"

Fun Fact, anyone who thinks random facts are fun are actually just nerds

"Thank you so much for offering a second helping but I'm saving myself for dessert. A few more bites and I'd be much too bloated to have sex with the chocolate cake."

If F**k You was censored as Forget You, what does that say about Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

A picture is worth 1,000 words. Each word averages 5 letters and each braille letter averages 5 bumps, so a picture is worth 25,000 bumps.

"Road to No-Hair" - song by a balding Talking Heads tribute band.

Yo momma is so fat, she sat on the curb and created the driveway!

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

That disappointing moment when you find a coin on the ground, and pick it up only to discover it's Canadian....

Does anyone else think it's ironic that ketchup packets say "Fancy Ketchup" on them? I've never really seen any liquid that comes in a plastic bag that I would call "fancy"...except maybe blood bags.