Jokes

An elderly woman had three cats that she was very close to. One day, one of the three cats died. She hated to part with any of them so she buried the first one in her back yard. Later on, the second one died. She buired that one near her back steps. A few years later, the third one died. She refused to bury the third one so she put it in a small satchel and carried it around... Read More » with her wherever she would go. One very hot summer day she got on a bus and told the bus driver; " I have my dear pet cat in this satchel, it it starts to smell, let me know and I well get off the bus". A little later, the bus driver yelled out; "Would the woman with the stinking pussy, please get off the bus!" Eight women got up and got off the bus.

This is rediculous! I've been sitting at my table for two hours and the waiter still hasn't taken my order! I'm never coming to McDonalds again!

I starred in my school production of "The Nativity". It wasn't a big role, I just stood there and let shepherds point at me.

There's a Ramen Noodle flavor for each level of depression.

The worst part about accidently rubbing deodorant into your eye is that it won't let you have any tears to cry it out.

If I owned a Great Dane I would name it Peeve. That way I could introduce him to people as my biggest pet, Peeve.

Every walk is the walk of shame when you're wearing Crocs.

This horse meat thing is really getting out of hand. Today I went to a steak house and ordered Black Angus... They gave me Black Beauty.

A hooker's ad campaign for college boys: " One night course of intercourse for $200 only."

There was a Chevron advertisement on the radio about filling your car with only the cleanest substances, so I filled my car up with dishwasher soap.

Do Transformers get car or life insurance?

I plan to dedicate myself to nursing. I did it the first nine months of my life and kinda miss it.

My wife is a sex opossum. Every time I bring up the topic she drops to the floor and plays dead.

I thought entering the Witness Protection Program would be fun, but I'm getting really sick of having to protect all these witnesses.

One day the school desides to send their "special" calls on a road trip. On the way there the bus suddenly breaks down and they pull over. They driver teacher get out and pop the hood they tincker for a while but can't find anything wrong, suddenly one of the kids gets off the bus and tells them "ah-ah-I nagh-nagh-know what's wrong with the bah-bah-bus!" the teacher yells at him... Read More » to shut up and get back on the bus. They call a machenic, he also tinckers for a while but can't find anything wrong. Suddenly that same kid comes out and says "ah-ah-I nagh-nagh-know what's wrong with the bah-bah-bus" the theacher slaps him and tells him to get back on the bus. They call an engieneer, again he can't find what's wrong. Suddenly that kid comes off again and tells them "ah-ah-I nagh-nagh-know what's wrong with the bah-bah-bus!" The theacher raises his hand to slap him but the engieneer grabs him and says "Wait! we are 3 men and have no idea what's wrong maybe he knows something" so they all look at him and he says "ah-ah-I nagh-nagh-know what's wrong with the bah-bah-bus!... The bus is broken"

I have auto-correct for my voice... its called my wife.

Recently bought a great book on sharpening your memory... if only I could remember where I put it..

Queen Latifah presented the award for Best Original Score to "Life of Pi", which is coincidentally the title of her new autobiography.

If someone on the street asks for spare change and you give them a used iTunes gift card, you're not a good person. You're a GREAT person.

I'm sure that if there is a heaven, Billy May's is partying like it's $19.99!