Roommate Confessions

My roommate Errol was a cool guy, but he had the nasty habits of leaving pubic hairs all over the bathroom and falling asleep naked on the common area couch. So, after he had finished a night of heavy drinking, and had predictably collapsed naked on the couch, I set his bush on fire. I was amazed that him feeling his crotch be literally on fire didn't wake him- so I began to be... Read More » concerned. I called the ambulance and he was rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. They said if I hadn't called, he might have died. I saved my roommate's life by setting his dick on fire.

This is not so much a confession, but rather I am too proud of what happened not to share it. Freshman year my roommate and I were very close, and loved to prank each other. The song "I just had sex" had come out somewhat recently so I decided to blast it at 3:00 a.m. in the morning after I just had sex. This pissed of my roommate. But rather then get mad, he decided to get even.... Read More » get even. His revenge came the next time I was in the middle of hooking. He had gathered all the male members of my floor to join him outside my room and did the Mighty Ducks slow clap, chanting: Dan, Dan, Dan, etc. until they were all screaming. I burst into laughter while the poor girl was mortified. Needless to say that evening was ruined, and that girl never talked to me again. Well played good sir, well played.

I had a roomie who caught my girlfriend and I on camera having sex and posted it all over the internet, he really made it look like it was me who posted it. He even used my computer to e-mail my soon to be ex a copie of it under my user name. He made a huge mistake though, he spelt my name wrong, the same way he always did when he left me a note. My girlfriend didn't beleive me... Read More » when I presented the evidence. I was pissed. So in return, I get Alex trashed one night, and I mean TRASHED. So trashed in fact he didn't remember giving me his credit card number to hire male strippers. I used his phone to text all of his contacts, "My roommates having a kegger tonight and I personally hired a couple of strippers for it. It's gonna be tight, get over here ASAP" By the time everyone showed up, about 150 people, I had Alex convinced he hired two of Denvers hottest strippers. He was drunk and bragging to everyone about. No one ever forgot the day Alex 'came out of the closet.' Douche.

One of my housemates eats loads, so she uses two cupboards for all her food, and refused to give one up for the new girl that moved in two weeks ago. Today, the new girl left the cooker on under her cupboard and melted all her chocolate. Justice served.

At about 10pm, my roommate and I were in our normal habit of watching Adult Swim and playing random video games when all of a sudden we get a knock at our door. I go to open it and suddenly 2 guys burst in, with ninja wraps on their head, spray a lot of febreeze all over our stuff and run out leaving a note that says "You stink!". I was hurt until 5 minutes later when a very... Read More »hen a very apologetic ninja showed up and said that they got the wrong room. I don't know what I was hurt more over. Being called smelly or not being invited for revenge on the smelly Asian smokers next door.

I lived in a house with a couple who had a baby girl which was fine for the most part. On occasion they would dump her off on me for ten minutes while I was playing XBox in my room. While I was achievement hunting in Dead Rising, I warned them that I would watch her but wouldn't stop what I was doing. They said fine and I went on with my zombie slaughtering business while she... Read More » sat on my lap. After two or three occasions of this (she sat there without much of a fuss) she started snarling and hissing like a zombie. Needless to say they stopped asking me to watch her after that.

Lately I noticed my roommate has been using by bar soap, I don't approve. I didn't bother to bring it up because he would want me to prove it so i bought one of those cans of pepper spray while i was in line at the store and sprayed my bar with it, about 5 minutes into his evening shower i hear something that resembles opera music. Success.

My roommate went to sleep about three hours ago and I have stayed up doing my homework. Right now his eyes are wide open and he is staring at me. I am praying to God that's just how he looks when he sleeps.

So my freshman roommate (like 6 years ago) was awesome, and we were totally suited to live together. Neither one of us was bothered by the other's poor habits or vices. We kinda hung with different crowds though, and I would often stay with friends for days on end and come back to our room at random times with no notice. No worries but 90% of the time he'd be whackin it when... Read More » I came in the room. He'd never fail to do the "hunch over the laptop and look really intently at the blank desktop screen like he was looking for something" pose when I suprised him. This happened literally about 15 times over the year. I would usually be sober, but I pretended to be so drunk every time and fake stumble to the bathroom like I didn't notice, giving him time to adjust himself and save him the embarassment. Your welcome buddy, happy masturbating!

I'll be honest. I did a lot of stuff to my roommate. He was a douche and made fun of me because "I was stupid enough to believe in evolution." Chief among them was a prank I pulled when he left his computer on to go shower. I found this prank on the internet where I would create a macro in Microsoft Word, so that whenever he typed the letters "x" or "q" the program would quit... Read More »q" the program would quit without saving his work. And this guy always waited till the last day before writing his papers.

My roommate claims to be "germaphobic," which would be fine except that she's a complete slob and doesn't clean up after herself (FYI bitch, real germaphobes clean obsessively). She leaves her stuff all over the place, but if I touch it to move it to, for example, a table instead of the middle of the floor, she lysols it, purells her hands 5 times and asks me never to touch her... Read More » touch her things again. When she leaves her clothes in the dryer for two weeks and I need to do my laundry, I can't move them out and put them in a clean laundry basket or she flips. Since she doesn't actually clean anything and leaves garbage everywhere she's been, I end up cleaning up after her, doing her dishes, pretty much being the only one who cleans at all, but I do it since I don't want roaches or mice. She's "made exceptions" to let me touch her stuff when it involves cleaning with chemicals - how very kind of her. Since we have separate dishes, I lick all of hers after I wash them and then put them away. I wipe the mess she leaves in the bathroom sink with her face towels. I clean the skid marks she leaves in the toilet with her tooth brush. And whenever she's not home, I fart on her pillows.

Back in my freshman year of college I switched rooms midway through first semester. My new triple had two current occupants, one who was always home on the weekend three hours away, and one who had his girlfriend up almost every single weekend. As a couple all they would do is have sex every chance they had. By the time they started doing it while I was in the room I had it,... Read More » so with 6 weeks left of classes one night I started playing porn music and asked if I could join. I had the room to myself for the last six weekends!

After living with my friend for an entire semester I could not take his "Jersey Shore" wannabe antics anymore. The terrible club music, the awful fist pumping and buckets of hairgel. I felt like I was getting less intelligent by the second by just being at the house. He constantly referred to our basement as the "smush room", which was just a pullout couch with a lava lamp...... Read More » with a lava lamp... One weekend I had a buddy from back home come visit me and after a night of partying we retuned back to my place drunk. Because there were no open beds I suggested to my friend to sleep on the couch downstairs (he did not know this was my roomates smush room). Later that night when my roomate returned home with a girl he demanded my friend to get off the pullout couch so he could use it. My friend simply stood up, smiled, then puked on the bed and folded it back into the couch and it was the greatest thing I have ever seen. I am an American and I approve this message.

Hey ex-roomie! Remember how you used to complain that I had bad taste in clothes when you wore mesh shirts and spandex shorts in winter? Or, or when you got me that Nazi uniform for my birthday when my grandpa (holocaust survivor) came over to see our place? Oh! How about when you ate the dinner I made that was for my aunt, who had cancer and died 2 weeks later. Oh, do you also... Read More » remember when I peed in your coffee every morning for 3 weeks, deleted all your files on your laptop and put itching powder in your toothpaste, masturbation lube and bed sheets? Oh, you don't? Too bad, it was lots of fun, douche bag.

Hey dude, I didn't get cut from our floor's soccer team. I left after they cut you. You're a great forward, those hicks just "didn't feel comfortable playing with a faggot". They can get comfortable playing without a goalie too.

I live in a triple with two other girls. In the beginning, things were great with them, but as the year progressed, things began to go downhill. Not only was I playing third wheel in their best friend show, I was cleaning up all their shit, all the time. They would come home and completely tear the apartment apart, complete with "science experiments" in our kitchen. An attempt... Read More »An attempt at making vodka gummy bears with life savers, crusted into our pasta strainer? 15 bucks to replace the strainer with cemented-on rainbow goo. Glasses with three-day old soymilk left out? Of course. The final straw was when I got bitched at for "not caring enough" when one of them came home from the hospital with a sprained ankle. No one called me to tell me this happened, I woke up when she and 8 of her sorority sisters busted into the apartment at 4am. After playing nurse to her ungrateful ass for a week, I sprayed PAM onto the kitchen floor and moved out. Have a nice trip bitch, see you next

My freshman year of college, my ginger roommate bought some alcohol before he went home one weekend. When he left, my friends on my floor and I emptied his clear raspberry vodka into another bottle and replaced it with salt water (so that it wouldn't freeze) and put it back in the freezer. A week or two later, he and his friends were sitting around our room, drinking salt water,... Read More » and acting drunk. He even noted that he could "really taste the raspberry." The look on their faces when we told them that it was salt-water was priceless...and I'm sure the placebo effect immediately wore off!

Two years ago I get assigned a roommate from Bangladesh. Its his first time ever out of his country. His first words to me were Hello how tastes it. Interesting start right. Two days later i walk in to see cheese slices all over the walls. The cheese slices have writing on them. I confront him about it and he tells me he thought they were post it notes. Apparently they do not... Read More » have dairy in back home because he had never seen cheese before. Days after that he blows up the microwave by putting a pot of eggs in it. It is at this point that I give up on the guy. After a few weeks I notice his part of the dorm smells like ass so I confront him about it. He then goes on to explain that he has been waiting for the servants to come by for his laundry. Of all the people why did I get this guy? In the three months I lived with him he washed once and never quite understood that we did not have servants and that Americans utilize cows.

I had a really Mormon roommate and she would get mad when I had friends over, especially guys. She would bang on the wall and would tell my friends they'd have to leave at 9PM. It got to the point where I would have my guy friends over and we'd jump on the bed making sex noises and when she banged on the wall we'd bang back.

I have this ridiculous roommate. She has horrible insomnia which keeps her up all night (in turn me up all night). She makes popcorn which makes the room smell of disgusting fake butter. On top of that is the stench of BO reeking from her laundry because she works out everyday but doesn't do her laundry for over a month. She steels my food, my drinks, my socks, my samoa girl scout... Read More » cookies! She walks around in the room naked when I am not there making me cringe every time I open the door. She has ADHD and mumbles her words together while laughing when she talks making it impossible to decipher anything that is coming out of her mouth. She is very promiscuous and is out every weekend (by weekend I mean Tuesday - Saturday). One night she came in at 3am when I had an exam the next day and threw up all over the room. I had enough. To relieve some of my stress I decided to masturbate, only I left my vibrator at home. I used her electronic toothbrush. Sorry honey...only I'm not.