Roommate Confessions

Hey Karla. Remember when you dissed me for being agnostic. Remember "pretending" to make it up to me by going to a party together, only to have it be a stupid church outreach get together which revolved around me. Well little miss goody-two-shoes. Remember when your parents stopped putting money into your account. Remember when they came over to our dorm and yelled for the... Read More » whole building to hear how they were no longer paying for your college. Here's why. When you had sex in our room, with my friend...he taped it. Your parents saw you having sex you dirty whore...it obviously wasn't your first time. Maybe your pleads to go to A&M or Baylor will work on your parents, but with the GPR you're leaving with, expect your rejection letter shortly. PS...Taylor says to go to the gyno ...oh, and what your priest told me I tell to you, forget the hope of being accepted in heaven as well.

Over spring break, my roommate went home and accidentally left his door unlocked. We got together 6-8 people, bought nearly 1000 balloons, blew them up, and filled his room from wall to wall, ceiling to floor with them. He got home, and he could barely open his door because of how full it was. It took him weeks to get all of the random balloon shards out of his room.

After your crappy friends kept me up all night for an entire semester to play Spin the Bottle at 4AM (who still plays that? Seriously?) I hope you got the message when I did everything in my power to make sure you never, ever wanted to stay in our room. If you ever wonder why I was such a cold jerk to you, it's because I was sick of suffering during tests and midterms... Read More » because you and your damn friends had to camp outside my door in our suite instead of just using the public lobby. If you're wondering why they all hated me, it's because it was me that had them thrown out of the building. And yeah, I totally laughed at you when your friends got you arrested on drug possession. I know you hadn't been involved in anything like that before you had to spend practically all your time with your terrible friends. I'm not really sorry that you ended up paying for me to have an extra-sized single room and you had to room elsewhere. I hope you'll learn your lesson and be a little nicer to the guy who you have to live with and a little more firm with friends that always get you in trouble and piss off the guy that's alone with your stuff. By the way, your digital camera is nice. I consider it reparations for you inviting your friends over every night, and making me pass out while taking a midterm.

I'm writing this from my roommates computer that he left open all day. You're not really an ass, but since the floor is literally covered in your old clothes, and because you have never felt it necessary to open a window after your Taco Bell farts, I may have taken this opportunity to email your mom a copy of your web history that you forgot to delete. Oh and I hope your... Read More » Business Law professor enjoys pictures of boobies. Hope I see you next year!

My one guy roommate and his friends would always drink my beer from the house fridge when we had parties. I got really mad last year when it was budlight lime, completely sold out and I had got the last pack. I decided to mix lemonade with my piss and "refill" all the bottles. Strangely there were no complaints and they just acted like they usually do when they are drunk...... Read More » fail or win?

My roommate likes to have sex in my bed even though his bed is right next to it and he is just kind of an asshole. So one night he invited this girl he was trying to get with over and she brought a friend. At 3 in the morning when she was laying in his bed wanting to hook up he ditches her to go hang out with another girl. So even though I'm trying to get with her friend I... Read More » have to spend an hour trying to get him back for her and covering for him. She eventually falls asleep and I get a handjob in his bed. I accidentally came on his pillow and didn't tell him and I got one of his clean shirts to have her clean herself up with. Then I put the shirt back in his clean clothes pile.

After coming back from my combat deployment overseas I moved in with some friends of mine who are pretty awesome. I also took a night shift job while going back to college. But the neighbors are a nightmare. For starters they are all fat and delusional, and basically bitchy. Imagine if you will a disgustingly obese woman (we are talking 300+ pounds) who thinks she is a... Read More » slender sexy model because they can get some drugged up alcoholic to sleep with them. Those are our neighbors. Aside from leaving their trash in our yard and waking me up in the middle of the day because of their bullshit, the line was drawn when they started calling my girlfriend an ugly slut (I actually have an attractive girlfriend, she used to model). So I started getting my revenge in subtle ways. On Independence Day my roommate and I got drunk and shot fireworks at their car in hopes of blowing it up, And lately I have taken to shooting birds off the fence with a pellet rifle and throwing the carcasses in their yard, i get around 10 a day. I have gotten pretty good, and as a result I have maxed my shooting score in the Army.

My roommate has spent a majority of the last month and a half stoned out of his dome. He spends the majority of his time either 1. Stoned 2. Drunk or 3. Asleep. He hasn't been to class (besides band, because he'd have to repay his scholarship) in about 2 months. He spent $1000 that his grandma gave him on marijuana and alcohol. He's spent the semester bitching about how he... Read More » loves his ex-girlfriend and how he wants to kick her new boyfriend's (one of my best friends) ass. At first I kind of felt sorry for him, but then I realized he's just a piece of shit and that he deserves it.

My one roommate is so stuck up I had my boyfriend jizz into her hair conditioner. It's okay though, she likes to be showered in semen anyways. SUCK IT!

So for a little background information I go to a semi military school, meaning we have to wear uniforms, stay clean shaven, etc. Well my roommate freshman year was a thief and a huge douche bag. He was a habitual liar and would lie about the stupidest things to me, his friends, and most of all his gf. I could put up with all that bull shit but after I found out he stole... Read More » over $300 from me, being cash or stuff, that was about all I could take. He went home most weekends so I decided to take his razor and shave my pubes with it as a bit of retribution. Now I could never prove that he had stole all of that stuff from me, so I never got it back, but watching him shave right under his nose using the same razor I had just used to shave my sack with was a little worth it.

Freshman year we had a really DBag R.A. Real strict didnt want anyone to break even the smallest rule. Well he ended up getting a few of our friends kicked out of the dorms, lots of trouble, community service, ...the works. One night me and a friend were coming in real late and decided it was time to get even. We went and found the dirtiest trash can in the dorm (big... Read More » bathroom trash can) and filled it about half way up with water in community bathroom. We leaned against the R.A.'s door and knocked. We ran and after about 20 minutes or so, we came walking up the stairs and to our room like we were just getting in. Worse part of the story, the RA was studying and sat his lap top on the ground to answer the door, which ended up being a wave of trash that Zapped his computer. To this day he's still a D BAG

Every day with out fail my roommate goes into my closet next to my bed while im sleeping, and uses Goldbond on his crotch. Not only does he wake me in the process, but he pulls his pants all the way down, spreads his legs, and viciously squeezes the bottle upwards towards his junk. The powder gets everywhere and in the process i wake up to the sight of his dick. So one... Read More » night before i went to sleep i replaced the gold-bond in my closet with weigh protein powder. He put it on twice that day. The third time he put it on, he decided to put it in his hand first, and realized it was not gold-bond. He immediately screamed "who the fuck put Parmesan cheese in the gold-bond. That day he got his own bottle of gold-bond.

It was me who dumped bleach into the washer and dryer, hid a plastic bag in the oven, messed up the internet connection, stole your cigarettes, and let my boyfriend cum on the laundry room floor. It was also me who anonymously reported your drug dealing ass to the cops in hopes of getting you deported. Serves you right for spreading lies about me, making my second year of... Read More » college a nightmare, and driving me out of the house! PS...it was also me who got my disease-ridden friend to roll around in your bed and wipe your toothbrush all over his herpes-infested junk...you're welcome :-)

For my birthday, my dad got me a TV to keep in my dorm room. Unless there is something on TV during the day that is a must-see, I only watch certain shows the nights they are on. Although the TV is technically my property, my roommate thinks she can just watch whatever she wants whenever she wants. On many occasions, I have found her watching Disney Channel for hours on end.... Read More » She even falls asleep with the TV on many nights. To keep this from happening, I have learned to hide the remote when she's out or in the bathroom so she wont turn the TV on and watch crap all night.

I live in a house with three other guys. Pretty good set up. We're all good friends--good enough that we all share groceries--and we keep to ourselves enough that we rarely get on each other's nerves. Except for my one roommate. This guy leaves a mess everywhere he goddamn goes. As I'm writing this, there's his week-old mess of school work on the living room table, his... Read More » day-old mess on the stove, his hair in the drain catch from his week's worth of showers. Not only that, he's always buying groceries that he doesn't share (bags of chips in particular) and then asking us to pay for them. AND--this is ridiculous--he throws his cigarette butts out the attic window, which land on the porch roof, which the cat then picks up and hides in my room, even though I've asked him not to do this. Last week I came home from a long day on campus, walked in the door, tripping over his mess of shoes, and the first thing I saw was his mess in the kitchen, the dining room, and the living room. Something in me snapped. Knowing my roommates would all be home soon, I started running around the house in a state of rage. I opened the fridge and saw a glass of juice he was saving for later, and I dipped my penis in it. I pulled his hair from the shower drain and stuck it in his coat pocket. I picked up all of his mess of books, papers, and what else, and I dumped them all onto his bed. Seeing several empty chip bags in his room, I sprinkled all the crumbs onto the pile on his bed, and arranged the bags so it looked like the cat had done it. And just to top it off, I brushed my armpit hair with his toothbrush. The bastard's so oblivious, I don't think he noticed any of it. Like I said, he's still leaving messes all over the house, even after everything I did. That being the case, I don't feel TOO guilty now that I've started banging his girlfriend. She's smokin' hot.

I used to have a massive bitch and slut for a roommate. She would talk down on people, acted like she knew everything even when proven wrong, and was known as the "house whore" for one of the frats on campus. I moved out before the year ended because I couldn't stand her anymore. A couple weeks later when I walked past my old dorm I noticed she left her window open, so I... Read More » went and captured one of the stray cats that always wanders near the dumpster, tossed it in the window and shut it in. I stayed for a few minutes to watch it freak out, tear up everything and piss everywhere. She was fined $1500 for having an "unauthorized pet" and for the damage it caused.

You remember all those times you came in pissed and took everyone's food out of the freezer? Left the oven, gas, and freezer on and open all night a few times every week? When your douchbag friends would come in, trash the flat, and we'd foot the bill? That you and your douche of a boyfriend would flick used condoms out of your window on to the gate, and you never admitted... Read More » it? Well.. 2 years is enough. Prawns stuffed in to your curtain rail made that gag-worthy stink in your room. Sorry you couldn't find the source, and you had to foot the bill for fumigation. Certainly not sorry you moved out soon after!

my roommate farts, really loud, in his sleep almost every night. i dont do anything about it, it's just mad funny..

My roommate is a decent human being to talk to, but his nonverbal actions would make anyone go crazy. He eats chips and nuts obnoxiously loud with his mouth open, smells, slams the door in the early mornings, leaves for home on the weekends without turning off his 730am alarm... and the list goes on and on. He's a smart kid, but he thinks he's the most clever kid to have... Read More » lived. He always has these stupid little experiments in our room that are just worthless, like burning vegetable oil and other random shit that smells, or tries new ways to get rid of his excessive acne (which actually makes his acne worse and leads to him popping his zits on our mirror, which he never cleans). After talking to him numerous times about all of these things, he still hasn't changed. At the beginning of the year, he bought a 40 dollar, loud-ass dehydrator because he was going to use it for multiple reasons like meat, veggies, and of course his stupid little experiments. Well this lasted for about a week before he got tired of it and he hasn't used the damned thing since. The other weekend when he was gone and his fucking alarm went off at 730, i couldnt get back to sleep, so i took the liberty of pissing in a bag of doritos he had, threw them in the dehydrator, and before he got back, put the chips back in the bag. The first thing he does when he gets back? Opens up his bag of piss-covered chips and starts crunching with his mouth open. It didn't even bother me... I just sat back and smiled

My old roommate used to own the house we lived in together in college. He's a good guy, but was a douche roommate and a terrible landlord to boot. The primary reason was that he was a hypocrite about everything. He was the filthiest bastard that lived there, though none of us were necessarily neat freaks. But he was nagging us constantly about cleaning up. This guy left... Read More » plates with food on them in the sink for days, half eaten shit on the table, cum rags lying around, you name it. Then periodically he would lie and tell us that his mom and dad were coming up for a football game that weekend and we needed to clean the house. Suffice it to say, they never came and he was conveniently unavailable to clean. So in my best passive/aggressive revenge I waited until he was gone for the weekend and proceeded to wipe my ass with the inside of all of his pillow cases. This wasn't pure shit mind you, just that daily dose of ass juice, but enough fecal matter to do the trick. I covered the smell with a spray of febreze and he enjoyed an epic case of pink eye.