Roommate Confessions

I'm stuck with these three girls are nicknamed the "herpes whores" in a suite style dorm. They are trashy, nasty girls with respect for other people's stuff. I begun to lose my sanity when they were using a shit ton of my expensive salon brand conditioner. The stuff doesn't won't even work on their fake, bone dried hair because it's for non damaged, natural hair ONLY, yet they... Read More » still use it and complain why their scalps are oily. I had enough of their antics. Once that conditioner bottle was finished, I went out to buy 3 things: the same brand conditioner, but different type so it was a gold bottle as well as some cheap conditioner bought from an Asian market. The final item was Nair Shower Power Max (tough enough to get thick, coarse even.) I emptied the gold bottle's content to my old conditioner bottle and then filled the gold bottle with a mixture of half cheap conditioner and half Nair. To even "warn" those whores, I put a label that said, "Do not use or hair will fall out" before placing it back on the bathroom shelf. Those idiots did not heed the warning and used nearly a quarter of the bottle. Now their hair is falling out and they resemble what they are: crappy attitude = crappy hair. I do not regret a single thing and I never got in trouble with the RAs because it's my stuff. That teaches them to never use people's stuff without permission or else the consequences will be dire.

I was staying at a friend's house a few months ago. One of his traditions with guests is to give them a fright once while they are there. Stupid I know (in fact his mom told me he nearly gave one of her elderly friends a heart attack). He decided to pull that with me. Obviously, I freaked and, obviously, I was pissed. I'm prone to having MEGA-shits. The next time I had one of... Read More » those, I texted him the details (colour, texture, angle of coilage, basically every detail), and added "dude, you should have been there, I had to kill it with a shovel!" he texted back with "Man, I was just having lunch right now!" I warned him that the next time he pulled that crap with me, I'd show him pictures, and if he continued to do that, I'd leave one on his bed.

My friend and I always like to mess with each other. One day I had met this girl and things were going pretty well, but because I knew he used to be into her, I asked to see if it was ok. He promptly gave me the thumbs up, but, as part of our ongoing prank war, texted her asking her out for me, when we barely knew eachother. It quickly weirded her out and ruined my chances, but... Read More » I had to get him back. He thought he had a chance (he didn't) with a super hot girl at our school. When I offered him her number he took it. Secretly I gave him my other friend's #, who was pretending to be the girl. They texted and even set up plans. He had the awkwardest conversation the next day when, in person, he really did talk to the girl and asked "Why weren't you there?" She was so confused and it was always awkward between them.

- Hey, Hoe. Remember how you dumped me, saying how I treated you wrong, despite doing whatever I humanly could to help you out? Well, I found out your dirty, little secrets. How you cheated on me multiple times and even said the reason we're dating is so when I graduate, I'll be making money. Well, while going through your room, grabbing whatever that's mine, I found your weed... Read More » stash. I took whatever you had, leaving just enough for you to smoke in your pipe. Why? Because I wiped my ass with it. Oh, and you work hat, too.

Well, I know now that you talk MAJOR shit about me with literally everyone I know... You know I have to say I'm not that surprised because it seems to be all that you do, but I thought we were close friends. I mean, I was the one to help you when you were embarrassingly throwing up all over yourself and others at a party while your longterm "marriage potential" boyfriend didn't... Read More » help AT ALL and only held the umbrellas while I had to carry your drunk puke smelling heavy ass 7 blocks by myself? HA WELL ANYWAYS, so I know you're really into conditioning your hair since its curly and what not so I took the liberty of peeing in your fancy conditioner this morning when I took a shower. Sorry.

One day my roommate comes home from a party around 3am. As usual, he immediately passes out on his bed and goes to sleep. I soon am awoken by something similar to pissing. I turn to my left to see my roommate pissing right beside my bed! "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?" his response? Fuck off Danny. The best part? My names Michael...

you ran over my dog left her their for 2 hours then called me a pussy when i cryed cus she had to be put down so it was me who shit on your bed stole 300 from you and i also called your mom and told about your weed and booze and got you cut off good luck dick

You constantly obsess about your hygiene. You are the most hypochondriac, hypocritical, self centered bitch I have ever seen. You think everybody is dirtier than you and you are clearly repulsed by anyone coming within three feet of you. The worst part is you are not the least bit shy about letting people know you get grossed out by them. For that matter, you really like to tell... Read More » people what they should think or do because, let's face it, you are perfect, and everybody else is stupid and dirty, right? Well guess what? I brushed my teeth with your toothbrush and then i jizzed on it. And I might have also used your face towel to clean up afterwards. You continued to used that towel for weeks before changing it and you are still using your toothbrush, six months later, and you have never noticed anything wrong with it. I think I'll give your new toothbrush another run (once you do decide to change it). It'll probably be a full year of daily jizz brushing and several months of getting indirect facials by the time I move out and I tell you. I can't wait to see you squirm when you find out! I wonder if you'll still think everyone is so dirty after you find out you've been using my cum to brush your teeth for so long.

You know the anonymous girl you complain about for breaking you and Mike up? It was me. I'm really sorry. I didn't know who you were then.

So my man really thinks he cheffing right. All he does is make the fucking kichen smell stank, never clean up afterwards and leave a pile of dishes, clog the drain all that shit. Well I hate his shit but i was never really vindictive enough to do anything plus this guys ripped like a bull; but one day I openeed the fridge and his shit just fell out; needless to say seeing my chance,... Read More » I had to mop the floor with his rice and chicken curry then put that shit back nice and sweet. he googled that shit too lol enjoy

So, you know how I work really hard and have to go in early every day? And you know how you stay up late every night, smoking weed in the living room (right outside my bedroom door) with all the windows shut, have loud sex with your stoner girlfriend in the shower (also right next to my bedroom) and do absolutely no work and never attend class? And how you rip on me constantly... Read More » for being gay and joke that I must just lo-oove sticking my fingers (among other things) up my ass? Well, guess what. I just did. And then I wiped my hands all over your cutlery set out for your romantic, pre-bong valentines meal, without washing my hands. Enjoy your dinner.

At our house party last week, you left your shoes out on the porch and i peed inside of them. I dont hate you at all, i just thought it would be funny.

Remember when I had a huge crush on that hooter girl that I worked with? Then I brought her over to the house to watch a movie and smoke a blunt and you ended up getting her drunk and porkin her? You apologized and everything was cool. Then a few weeks later I brought my friend from Ohio over and once again you got her drunk so you could plow her. Well I forgot to mention... Read More » before hand that she has a contagious case of flaming herpes. My bad bro.

Hey Buddy, you were a really good roommate for 2 1/2 years, however I was kinda an asshole. Used your electric razor to shave my pubes since the day I moved in, then I would occasionally put single pubes all over you things around the room (toothpaste, nail clippers, shampoo, remotes, controllers, clothes and that ridiculous hat you always wore). Sorry for all those times I laughed... Read More » and watched you use stuff I had "Pubey Trapped", I guess I'm kinda an asshole.

GRRRRRRRrrrrrrr. That was the sound of your blender every morning at 5am...on Sundays even. You really liked to drink your fucking energy drinks to watch pre-pre-game bullshit for every season of every sport college and pro. Remember when you told me I couldn't watch my TV when baseball playoffs were on because I've "had my time on the TV already"?!?!?! You FUCK! I cut your... Read More » blender power cord and glued it back on. Remeber how you were crying back home to your mom. She sent you a brand new blender OVERNIGHT because you cried like a bitch! The next day you tried to blend up some ice and fried it right away! That was God smiting you! Maybe next time you wont take 3 showers a day and wake up at 5am on sundays you overprivileged Jerry Maguire wannabe!

hey adam, remember you told me if i hit on your sister one more time you would kill me, every time you go stay at your girlfreinds your sister and i do it in your bed. your sleep in your little sisters wet spot. hahaha loser wash your sheets

Hey asshole, remember me, the quiet guy that would always put up with your shit because I knew it was better then being in a constant war always calling you out on your retarded opinions. I kept to myself, I only had my girlfriend over a couple of times because I didn't want her to have to deal with you. We would instead go to her place, no big deal of course, but when i returned... Read More » my shit would often go missing. Money out of drawer, my food and electronics, the millions of batteries. You even stole a couple of my keyboard keys....i mean like who the fuck does that? Even the $250+ MP3 player that i found in your backpack took back and still didn't cause to much of a fuss. Well asshole, remember the time you got high as fuck, broke the window and then fell of the balcony? Yeeee... i know you remember waking up in the hospital with a concussion, you nice christian conservative mother waiting by your side when you reaked of weed and boose. Well yeah, you didn't really fall because of your own stupidity, I threw you out the fucking 3rd story window because you slapped my girlfriend. Hope you enjoyed the broken bones that prevented you from playing for the rest of the hockey season...I know I did.....asshole...

i also jizzed in your conditioner shampoo and bodywash.

Cindy, you know how we played Monopoly last Thursday? I stole 10 Monopoly bucks from you when you weren't looking. THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR CHEATING ON MY FRIEND YOU SLUT!

I know you'll never read this because you're an idiot who doesn't read, and I also know you suck at operating computers. Because you used mine and got it infected with a bunch of viruses that I had to get professionally removed. You also smoked in the room, watched "ATL" every fucking day, made massive amounts of noise at 6:30 every morning, and were, in general, a fat, lazy,... Read More » ignorant asshole. That's why I pissed on just about everything you had in the room, including your bluetooth headset. I also farted in your mini-fridge, scratched up all your video games, CDs, and porno DVDs. I also may or may not have beat off into your open milk carton once. Hint: I did. And I don't feel bad about it either, you cocksplint.