Rough Love

I purchased my wife a Garmin watch that had GPS and heart rate monitor etc. Most importantly for her it shows how many calories she's burned. So one week after doing a lot of running and biking she starts talking about how many more calories she burned when she does exercises that keep her heart rate up above 80% her max. To which I leaned in and whispered in her ear that maybe... Read More » she should start wearing it while we had sex to see how many calories she would burn. She stepped back and we looked each other in the eyes and both started laughing hysterically. Married 18 years with 3 boys......meh.

Apparently nobody is getting any action these days. 2 weeks and only 2 or 3 stories?

My ex-girlfriend thought Alaska and Hawaii were south of California because that's where they are always shown on maps of America.

I've always been a bit self-conscious about my inverted nipple, but my girlfriend made me feel a lot better when she said she just finds it funny. According to her, it looks like my right boob stabbed the left out of jealousy.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to stick out my tongue. She then wrapped her lips around it, sucked and moved closer to me and then further away before breaking into laughter. She then exclaimed "I just gave your tongue a blow job!"

One night me and a girl i had been dating were watching a movie when things started to get hot. This resulted in her giving me head and when I came it somehow found its way out her nose. Bit of an awkward moment, but one of our favorite stories.

every weekend my girlfriend comes over. she brings packs of bacon and some condoms. we then spend the next 2 days mostly in bed; watching TV, playing on my ps3 and having sex a few times a day with her cooking us meals in between...

After trying to wake my boyfriend one morning by stroking his chest and his hair for about 15 minutes, he begins to wake up. Wanna know the first thing he does? Hugs me, starts humping my leg while singing 'Hump, Hump, Severus Hump, DumbleHump' I think he has a few problems.

My wife (girlfriend at the time) and I were at my company Christmas party. They were having some gift exchange game. She ended up with a pack of KY massage oil and lube. We were pretty excited to get home and try them out. When we did, it turns out that not all of them were massage oil and lube, some were just one or the other. Well I grabbed one that was apparently only... Read More » for massages. When I applied it, it was warm but not uncomfortable but when we started, it started burning both of us quite badly. I can only imagine how bad it was for her seeing as in could wash it off easily. To this day we can't hear "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon without cracking up.

My high school girlfriend and I were getting it on in my room one day we though we were alone in my house. We tend to be pretty loud when we're together, and not knowing that anyone else was home, we kinda went "all out", so to speak. Some time later I step out of my room and hear some noises from my older sister's room, which is located directly across from my room. I slowly... Read More » push the door open and see my sister sitting on her bed staring back at me with a slight smile on her face. Needless to say, I now always search through the entire house before bringing my girlfriend over.

Today I saw my boyfriend again for the first time in 3 weeks. I was sitting on his butt giving him a back massage and then he farted. With gusto.

I was in reverse cowgirl when I leaned back so he could get a better angle. Now, I should note that I had a pretty bad cough at the time. Next thing I know I cough violently, and I feel him shoot out of me and hear his dick smack into his balls. We both started laughing and couldn't even keep going. Just hearing it SHLURP out of me was hilarious.

My girlfriend made be shave my pubes because the hair tickled her butthole during sex.

Okay, so my girlfriend's sneezes are pretty powerful, and she's pretty petite so it shakes up her whole body. So a couple of weeks ago, she turns on the shower and undresses, and has to take a pee so she starts to walk over to the toilet....in mid-walk she sneezes, and pees a little on the floor.....and starts her period. Needless to say, she was embarrassed.

Me and my boyfriend were hanging out at my house one day and I was lying with my head in his lap while he watched the game on tv. He started to peel a banana and I stopped him and said, "no, let me pull the end off" because all of my life, I've always been told that the pointy end of a banana is the part you don't eat. So I reached for it, and when I attempted to break it off,... Read More » about half of it came off along with it. I looked up at him innocently, and to avoid looking like a complete retard, stuffed the entire half of that banana into my mouth and ate it. I don't think that helped my case. Needless to say, to this day, he still accuses me of being a food thief for "jacking his banana". Why can't he just be a normal guy and make some sort of sexual pun on the fact that I deep-throated half of a phallic shaped fruit.

my parents have been married almost 22 years and if my mom is in the bathroom while my dad is setting his toothbrush he has to pretend hes pooping. like the toothpaste is his poop, he thinks its the funniest thing in the world. 22 years and he thinks its as funny as the day he thought of it.

There was this running joke with my friends back in high school that my first girlfriend was lesbian. She had short hair, played golf, and wasn't a girly girl. We didn't date long. She dumped me after a month. Fast forward to the present. We're both 25 now and I find out she's engaged to a girl. Yeah, guess I was the only one then who didn't figure it out.

My girlfriend and I were at the drive in, in the back seat of my car getting into it during the previews. Suddenly she stops, pushes me away and says "I'm sorry, but the Dark Knight Rises trailer is on!". I totally understood, and I would have been more upset if she didn't stop.

After reading an article about waking your boyfriend up with a BJ, my girlfriend decided that she wanted to try that herself. The only problem was she had this wild fear that i would somehow kick her in the face when she started. Eventually she got up there nerve to try...turns out she was wrong... it was my hand she needed to look out for...

I was at a frat party on the first Saturday night back at school, and this hot girl and I start talking. i dance with her, and I find out that she's only one year ahead of me, and we're in the same major. I tell her that I'm already taken, but she she gives me her number and tells me to call her sometime anyway. In class on Monday, I discover that she's the TA in my statics... Read More » class. Awkward.