Rough Love

Yesterday my boyfriend called my bra "nipple armor."

I was a German exchange student in an American high school - junior grade. One of the very first things I discovered was that not only girls did fly for my accent, but also that American girls are kinda wilder than most German ones. Before my first hook up with this American girl, I had a huge crash on my mountainbike, so I was all bandaged up, sore, and even still bleeding... Read More » under some of the bandages. (No need to tell you, that I used the bruises to get laid.) Turns out, she'd be one of the wilder girls. I don't think she realized that I was moaning because of pain, or that scratching my back like a freaking lion would not contribute to the improvement of the situation. When I woke up the next morning, I did not only have a hangover, bruises and wounds all over my body, but an impressive set of bloody scratches on my back, that would soon turn to scars. I now use these scars to pick up German girls, by telling them about the "time a wild bear attacked me close to lake Tahoe". I've gotten laid 5 times because of that story so far. 5 out of 6 times. Thanks Lea. You did a great job, although it was painful!

Last night my boyfriend took his hand and made it look like a person and proceeded to use my boobs for a trampoline. Sound effects were included.

I was at the end of a weekend visit to my ex (who lived a state away), and she was dropping me off at the train stop so I could head home. She was in tears and we started making out in the car, when suddenly her nose started bleeding. And by bleeding, I mean gushing everywhere. Pretty weird, huh? Not for her, apparently. The same thing happened the next time I visited.

I just spent an hour watching my Italian girlfriend play Diablo III on my lap in nothing but a towel after just getting out of the shower. I think I'm in love.

My roommate is so loud in bed (whether with a guy or by herself) that she has woken us all up multiple times. Despite regular complaints, she doesn't control herself no matter who is home, if significant others are over or what time of day it is. She masturbates every day. One time, I was so annoyed I tried to embarrass her by applauding and cheering, but she couldn't hear... Read More » me over herself. I have never managed to orgasm (which she knows), so this is getting old really fast. + this if you think this should escalate into a Roommate Confession-level retaliation.

I was recently making out with my girlfriend of about a year. Things were starting to get heated when she suddenly grabbed me. She then exclaimed "Wow you're really hard!" I then calmly replied "That's my arm." We laughed for about five minutes. I'm not sure whether to feel complimented or insulted...

My now ex girlfriend and I were having sex on the floor on blankets and cushions as her bed creaked too much and her housemates were in the next room. We also had her itunes playing to set the mood and hide the illicit encounter it was however to random. Suddenly the pokemon (gotta be the very best) song came on and she stops riding and looks up with a deadpan face before... Read More » singing the whole song with elaborate hand movements whilst I was still inside her. We never finished as it was too funny. Probably should have fought harder to keep her...

I went on two dates with this girl I met online. I was thinking that we were just going to be friends first. She didn't. She immediately thought I was her boyfriend after barely getting to know each other and only hanging out twice. This was all after I read the 9gag post about crazy girls and "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden. So needless to say when she told me that, I... Read More » heard Bruce Dickinson's voice in my head to run for my life...

Chatting with my girlfriend I was expressing my worries for an upcomming exam. She replied with "don't worry about the grade, it won't matter when you're a 'stay-at-home-husband'." She's a keeper.

Every time after my husband and I get done having sex he slaps my ass and says good game.

I was doing a little food shopping with my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend). In the produce section, she noticed a red apple in the green apple section. She took the red apple and placed it with other red apples. She then said to me "The red apple was sad, it needs to be with its friends". In retort to her sophomoric logic, I took the same apple, ate it, and said, "There, now the... Read More » apple is dead." She broke up with me because I was cruel and inhumane. IT WAS AN APPLE! IT HAS NO FEELINGS!

The other night I was sitting on the couch cuddling with my boyfriend. Feeling sentimental, I kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. In response, he said "I love you too, babe. Want to hear a really cool fart sound?!" and proceeded to blow raspberries on his hands. He was right, it was a really good fart sound.

So I did post a part of this story before, forgive me, but I thought you deserved the whole thing. My boyfriend and I were on his couch making out the other day, after casually turning on the television, not paying much attention to what was on. A few seconds later, we realized star wars was playing. Me, not thinking anything of it, continued making out with him. I then... Read More » kissed his neck, and hugged him. After about 30 seconds he was still motionless. I said "You're watching Star Wars aren't you?" to which he responded "I don't want to say yes... but it's not no...". In order to fix the situation, I decided to flash him. His response? "Star Wars and boobs, best day ever!" A few minutes later this happened again, only this time, instead of flashing him, I went for the epic staredown method. After a while of this, he stopped, his only response being "I wish your boobs could shoot lasers." I wholeheartedly agreed.

I wish my gf was as cool as the girls that post on here. Instead, she doesn't find any of this funny. FML.

My fiancee doesn't like when I ask to have sex because she thinks that asking for it takes all the pleasure and excitement out of it. Well, one day I went a whole day without talking to her while I was at work. When I got home the only thing I said was 'hi' and sat down on the couch kind of ignoring her. After sitting apart for some time watching tv, she comes over and... Read More » starts making out with me. One thing led to another and we starting having sex doggie style (her favorite position). As I was about to finish she says, 'I just washed my hair, don't get it in my hair.' As I pull out, my little soldiers rocket out all on the back of her head and she quickly turns around, looks at me and says, 'Will, what the fuck!?' Not knowing I was still cumming, I shot my guys all over her face which quickly stopped her from her tirade and the only time I can tell my friends I gave my fiancee a facial...by accident.

About a year and a half ago, I gave a drunken hand-job to my roommate's brother. Afterwards, we laid in my bed and discussed how we both loved Collegehumor and some of the recent articles.

My boyfriend and I decided to get it in quick before I had to leave for work. On my way out the door, I gave him a high-five and said "thanks for the sex". He got the biggest smile I've ever seen and told me he was in love.

Recently, while we were watching TV, my girlfriend was kissing on me and then complained that I didn't seem interested in her. So I pulled off my shorts to show her my boxers (and obvious erection) and said in a old-style British accent "Well that sure seems interesting, would you like to analyze further?" Picking up on the faux-scientific nature of my comment, she touched... Read More » my penis through my boxers and returned in kind "Mmm, yes... This is very interesting indeed. I shall go get my microscope to investigate." Ouch.

My boyfriend and I each try to be selfless, and focus on the other person first when we're messing around. Unless we're interested in endless 69, we have to take turns, and so far the best way we've found of deciding on turns besides calling dibs is...naked wrestling! The first person to like what's happening to them too much to fight back loses taking their turn first, but... Read More » in the end, everyone wins.