Rough Love

Yesterday my boyfriend called my bra "nipple armor."

I can't tell what is worse, that every time my wife has her period i have to shout "we got a bleeder!" or that a day or two in i always tell her "you can't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die" - yeah she hates me!

I was at the end of a weekend visit to my ex (who lived a state away), and she was dropping me off at the train stop so I could head home. She was in tears and we started making out in the car, when suddenly her nose started bleeding. And by bleeding, I mean gushing everywhere. Pretty weird, huh? Not for her, apparently. The same thing happened the next time I visited.

I was a German exchange student in an American high school - junior grade. One of the very first things I discovered was that not only girls did fly for my accent, but also that American girls are kinda wilder than most German ones. Before my first hook up with this American girl, I had a huge crash on my mountainbike, so I was all bandaged up, sore, and even still bleeding... Read More » under some of the bandages. (No need to tell you, that I used the bruises to get laid.) Turns out, she'd be one of the wilder girls. I don't think she realized that I was moaning because of pain, or that scratching my back like a freaking lion would not contribute to the improvement of the situation. When I woke up the next morning, I did not only have a hangover, bruises and wounds all over my body, but an impressive set of bloody scratches on my back, that would soon turn to scars. I now use these scars to pick up German girls, by telling them about the "time a wild bear attacked me close to lake Tahoe". I've gotten laid 5 times because of that story so far. 5 out of 6 times. Thanks Lea. You did a great job, although it was painful!

That television show Whale Wars reminds me a lot of my ex-wife. You know, because she was fat and we fought a lot. Also, she was murdered by Japanese people.

I bit my boyfriend's ass after having sex... Was that a hot move or just plain gross?

Last night my boyfriend took his hand and made it look like a person and proceeded to use my boobs for a trampoline. Sound effects were included.

Last night my boyfriend was looking down counting his change and he looks up at me and asks me if he can put it in my vagina. My boyfriend's a winner.

I just spent an hour watching my Italian girlfriend play Diablo III on my lap in nothing but a towel after just getting out of the shower. I think I'm in love.

I was recently making out with my girlfriend of about a year. Things were starting to get heated when she suddenly grabbed me. She then exclaimed "Wow you're really hard!" I then calmly replied "That's my arm." We laughed for about five minutes. I'm not sure whether to feel complimented or insulted...

So a few weeks back, I went out with a friend and a bunch of his friends to a dance bar. There was this one cute girl who I thought I'd never get, but somehow at the end of the night, she asked for my number. So we exchanged numbers and for the next couple of days we would send a lot of texts to each other, really getting to know each other. Some texts were pretty explicit (... Read More »ex. What we would do if we were alone in my roon) I rather wanted to just meet with her for a date or so, so we could talk in person, but she didn't have any time. But one night she was going out with her friends (the same one I met the week before), and invited me along. So me and 2 other friends go out for a few drinks first and then later join her. It was really awkward since it felt like everybody was staring at me. It was very crowded, so they decide to go somewhere further out of the center, 20 min walk or so. So of course I join, and when we get there the others leave so we finally had some privacy. We had a good 30 min talk and a few drinks, when all of a sudden some douche shows up, tells her he's leaving and she says to me: "Okay we are leaving, are you staying here?" I didn't know anyone else so I decided I should leave as well. As the guy was taking his bike, I tell her I was a little confused and she says: "Yeah I really like to be your friend, but now I'm going to sleep with him" So I was like wtf and had a 20 min walk back to my place all alone. And oh, I have to mention it was really cold outside, so the next few days I spent in bed with a fever...

After sex, I call my boyfriend's flaccid penis "Mr. Winky" and when he starts to get hard again, I say that Mr. Boner is coming to town so Mr. Winky better leave. We also call balls "penis boobs".

My girlfriend goes to university about 3 hours away so I don't get to see her every week. During the time I'm not with her we joke that she's growing a merkin named Gandolf. Just one of the reasons and possibly the main reason love her.

My now ex girlfriend and I were having sex on the floor on blankets and cushions as her bed creaked too much and her housemates were in the next room. We also had her itunes playing to set the mood and hide the illicit encounter it was however to random. Suddenly the pokemon (gotta be the very best) song came on and she stops riding and looks up with a deadpan face before... Read More » singing the whole song with elaborate hand movements whilst I was still inside her. We never finished as it was too funny. Probably should have fought harder to keep her...

I went on two dates with this girl I met online. I was thinking that we were just going to be friends first. She didn't. She immediately thought I was her boyfriend after barely getting to know each other and only hanging out twice. This was all after I read the 9gag post about crazy girls and "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden. So needless to say when she told me that, I... Read More » heard Bruce Dickinson's voice in my head to run for my life...

My roommate is so loud in bed (whether with a guy or by herself) that she has woken us all up multiple times. Despite regular complaints, she doesn't control herself no matter who is home, if significant others are over or what time of day it is. She masturbates every day. One time, I was so annoyed I tried to embarrass her by applauding and cheering, but she couldn't hear... Read More » me over herself. I have never managed to orgasm (which she knows), so this is getting old really fast. + this if you think this should escalate into a Roommate Confession-level retaliation.

Every time after my husband and I get done having sex he slaps my ass and says good game.

My fiancee doesn't like when I ask to have sex because she thinks that asking for it takes all the pleasure and excitement out of it. Well, one day I went a whole day without talking to her while I was at work. When I got home the only thing I said was 'hi' and sat down on the couch kind of ignoring her. After sitting apart for some time watching tv, she comes over and... Read More » starts making out with me. One thing led to another and we starting having sex doggie style (her favorite position). As I was about to finish she says, 'I just washed my hair, don't get it in my hair.' As I pull out, my little soldiers rocket out all on the back of her head and she quickly turns around, looks at me and says, 'Will, what the fuck!?' Not knowing I was still cumming, I shot my guys all over her face which quickly stopped her from her tirade and the only time I can tell my friends I gave my fiancee a facial...by accident.

Chatting with my girlfriend I was expressing my worries for an upcomming exam. She replied with "don't worry about the grade, it won't matter when you're a 'stay-at-home-husband'." She's a keeper.

My girlfriend's handjobs feel like she's playing tug of war with my penis.