Rough Love

I purchased my wife a Garmin watch that had GPS and heart rate monitor etc. Most importantly for her it shows how many calories she's burned. So one week after doing a lot of running and biking she starts talking about how many more calories she burned when she does exercises that keep her heart rate up above 80% her max. To which I leaned in and whispered in her ear that maybe... Read More » she should start wearing it while we had sex to see how many calories she would burn. She stepped back and we looked each other in the eyes and both started laughing hysterically. Married 18 years with 3 boys......meh.

My ex-girlfriend thought Alaska and Hawaii were south of California because that's where they are always shown on maps of America.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to stick out my tongue. She then wrapped her lips around it, sucked and moved closer to me and then further away before breaking into laughter. She then exclaimed "I just gave your tongue a blow job!"

Apparently nobody is getting any action these days. 2 weeks and only 2 or 3 stories?

I've always been a bit self-conscious about my inverted nipple, but my girlfriend made me feel a lot better when she said she just finds it funny. According to her, it looks like my right boob stabbed the left out of jealousy.

My boyfriend uses his farts as a threat for me to do as he says. For example, we were cuddling in bed one morning and he says 'Fetch me my clothes' I refuse to move... He said he would fart on me if i didn't. Then, when i laughed and seemed sceptical. He farted on my leg.

One night me and a girl i had been dating were watching a movie when things started to get hot. This resulted in her giving me head and when I came it somehow found its way out her nose. Bit of an awkward moment, but one of our favorite stories.

My wife rather watches One Born Every Minute than having sex. Every day she says she wants to have a baby. Somebody needs to explain to here how baby's are made.....

every weekend my girlfriend comes over. she brings packs of bacon and some condoms. we then spend the next 2 days mostly in bed; watching TV, playing on my ps3 and having sex a few times a day with her cooking us meals in between...

I was in reverse cowgirl when I leaned back so he could get a better angle. Now, I should note that I had a pretty bad cough at the time. Next thing I know I cough violently, and I feel him shoot out of me and hear his dick smack into his balls. We both started laughing and couldn't even keep going. Just hearing it SHLURP out of me was hilarious.

Marriage tip: Do a fun activity with your spouse like flying a kite or getting a divorce.

Today I saw my boyfriend again for the first time in 3 weeks. I was sitting on his butt giving him a back massage and then he farted. With gusto.

My high school girlfriend and I were getting it on in my room one day we though we were alone in my house. We tend to be pretty loud when we're together, and not knowing that anyone else was home, we kinda went "all out", so to speak. Some time later I step out of my room and hear some noises from my older sister's room, which is located directly across from my room. I slowly... Read More » push the door open and see my sister sitting on her bed staring back at me with a slight smile on her face. Needless to say, I now always search through the entire house before bringing my girlfriend over.

After trying to wake my boyfriend one morning by stroking his chest and his hair for about 15 minutes, he begins to wake up. Wanna know the first thing he does? Hugs me, starts humping my leg while singing 'Hump, Hump, Severus Hump, DumbleHump' I think he has a few problems.

I have found porn in my boyfriend's (of two years) web history on several separate occasions. I am cool with that, I even watch porn when he's not around - probably more often than him. But when I found clips of girls fisting themselves, I don't even have a word for it... shit is so whack. Lately I've been the only one initiating sex too, I have to ask 'can we do that again later?... Read More »' to ensure we will have sex again - but then he never remembers or initiates it. I don't remember the last time he even tried to make me cum, our sessions are usually no longer than 2 mins and is usually all about him and its over at his orgasm. I'm thinking I might throw two fingers up to him and yesterday, light a bowl and smoke it all away. Cheers.

My wife (girlfriend at the time) and I were at my company Christmas party. They were having some gift exchange game. She ended up with a pack of KY massage oil and lube. We were pretty excited to get home and try them out. When we did, it turns out that not all of them were massage oil and lube, some were just one or the other. Well I grabbed one that was apparently only... Read More » for massages. When I applied it, it was warm but not uncomfortable but when we started, it started burning both of us quite badly. I can only imagine how bad it was for her seeing as in could wash it off easily. To this day we can't hear "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon without cracking up.

Okay, so my girlfriend's sneezes are pretty powerful, and she's pretty petite so it shakes up her whole body. So a couple of weeks ago, she turns on the shower and undresses, and has to take a pee so she starts to walk over to the toilet....in mid-walk she sneezes, and pees a little on the floor.....and starts her period. Needless to say, she was embarrassed.

I just got my new condo in Toronto, and while painting the walls of the living room a deep, intense red my (now ex) girlfriend decided that it's the color of blood and proclaimed "period time!". I never looked at her the same way after that, and I never invited her to paint again.

My girlfriend made be shave my pubes because the hair tickled her butthole during sex.

So i used to work at one of those little t-shirt stores on the Board walk in Ocean city right. My game was simple.. I'd hook em up with discounts n get thier numbers, try n see some skin using body jewllery or telling them to try lil hoochie dresses and tryn get in thier pants etc. So one time I managed to get this girl in the dressing room n she was tiny as hell...Usually I hit... Read More » it from the back standing up, but with her it was just impossible cuz im 6'2" and extra skinny. So i decided to pick this girl up..bad idea this dressing room is extra small so she bracing against the walls and im trying to use my nonexistent biceps to do the up and down motion..needles to say i aint had to bother, it was one of the hottest positions I've ever been in and that joint was hitting so right a minute into the whole thing I was like(in my head) damn im already bout to come..as im busting right, I get all weak-legged, jiggly and im in my I-don't know-what-to-do-with-my-entire-body siezure moments; So I end up loosing my balance and crashing back into the dressing room door which is held closed just by a simple hook lock, bust that joint open fall on my ass, crack my skull and tail bone with this little thing all up on me. Pain, pleasure and shock of the fall, the moment and people shrieking and just the whole confusion of the situation mixed together and blinded me for a second then as the little little thing jumps off me, I see this oozing trail of what looks like blood and other thick viscous juices coming out her vagagay and all over my jock and legs...This is all happeneing in a matter of seconds with my coworker, some cusomers and the henna tattoo artist gawking at me... The girl jumps up, get backs in there, speed-dressed and ran out before I could get over the disgust of just witnessing a horrific end to a nice sexual encounter. So after it was all said and done, I still look back and think whats worst than nursing my injured ego and bruised body parts was not knowing if all that oozy stuff was cuz of her period and I dont think she was a virgin cuz virgins dont do random sex like that or GOD HELP ME if she just had a busteda** punany full of some clamydia or other god awful germ infested yuck stuff. i know What ur thinking...atleast she ain't break my jon falling down..oh well c'est la vie I guess smh