WTF

I bought a new winter jacket from this shop called Wonderman. The other day I was putting my phone in one of the jacket's pocket, but there was something there. I opened the pocket and there was a strechy wire. I took it and in the end of that wire was a napkin to clean glasses with. And on the corner of that napkin was written: Wonderman...

A few months ago, I kind of had a nightmare about Justin Bieber doing a random girl. Anyways he had her up against against the wall trying to give it to her, but she was showing no emotion at all, then it turns out Justin's little weewee was way to small to even give an impact. I woke up that morning horrified at what i had just dreamed of, but then i just laughed it off.

...where your opposite gendered friend (in a relationship) asks you if your bday gifts for her is condoms...

Last night I had a dream that a buddy and I tag-teamed Scarlett Johansson, and the entire dream was narrated to me by myself, like an episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Sheets of rain on my parade are a wet blanket. I was working undercover with an Afghan bedspread and pulled my stakeout. She was full of plot holes, but we made waves in my water bed. Like the elevator attendant in the Statue of Liberty, I went down on her everyday. Except the days when the crimson tide rolled in because that's fucking gross. She would go down on me faster than... Read More » the Titanic full of Monica Lewinskys. Even in the front seat of her brother's Plymouth Voyager we were borrowing to spy on Clown Syndrome, the potential parade bombing terrorists, she would shift my stick with more clutch than mid 90's Michael Jordan. She had a mouth for penis and a nose for meanness. She was like a sump pump and I was an umbrella, we worked best in the rain. Either way, I covered her. She was my partner and I wasn't allowed to know her real name. All head games and broken bed frames. There was more than an inkling of a sprinkling, but for some reason, this parade marched on.

Rist Kutta Klown SynDrome Pink Eyed Strangla Krustie Whoop WHOOP Nug Bonez Kill yahomie Mr. Mothafuckin Ceezar 2 U Bitch Syko Santa Klau$ Dark Suckaberg Psycho Pussy Fiend Kid Cracka *~NuggZ~* Sucka Bitch Dark Murda Thugg Suei$idal Murda Bassment Dwella Murda Thug Nutz Wicked W33d Warrior Willy Fo Twenny Joka 2 Smoka Luna TicKk Seedy B Mayhem Mizz Mothafuckin... Read More » Miracle Faygo Blaze tha Ded Cutcha 2piecez Fuggin Magnetz Kronik Darknez Krak Roxx Mad Respekt 4 Hatchet Krazee Klown Durty Needlez Icy P Blaze 4 thaDarkNinjAs DoPe Ass Bitch Semen 2 Demon Xtra Kromosome

So this happened a few years ago to a friend of mine at camp. We were all Counselors In Training, and during swim time, the kids were roughhousing with us like they always do. My friend throws a kid off him, and we hear this ripping sound. Turns out, the kid was holding onto my friends nipple when he was thrown off. Sitting about five feet away was his floating nipple, and now... Read More » he's down to one.

I'm an I.T. guy with a military background, so I know computers and I'm a security freak. As a result, I have a custom-made security system at home. One of the things that will trigger the alarm is loud noises. I set the threshold at 125dB, so things like gunshots and breaking glass will trigger it, but not watching TV and the like. I'm sitting at work and I get a notification... Read More » that the alarm was trigger. I frantically connect to my security system to see what's going on. I work in a Network Operations Center, so I pull up the security system on one of the main displays (you know, showin' off my sweet setup). When I pull up the camera (which also has audio), we don't see a burglar, or a fire, or a car smashed into my house. No. Instead, it's my wife. Howling some country song. Completely naked. RIGHT in front of the camera. We have our holiday party tomorrow. I'm not going to tell her anything...

For some reason, my twelve year old brother is curious about my parents' sex life. Every day, he sneaks into my dad's bathroom and counts how many condoms are there. Yesterday, he barged into my room, shouting "Mom and Dad had sex last night!" Apparently one condom had gone missing. I honestly have no idea why he finds this so fascinating. Me? I really don't need to know about... Read More » my parents having sex. *shudder*