CollegeHumor: Adam S. http://www.collegehumor.com/user/1110432 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /picture/6424188 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6424188 Untitled 0 Fri, 11 Feb 2011 23:39:27 -0500 /article/6423290 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6423290/how-to-absolutely-guarantee-that-youll-have-a-girlfriend-by-valentines-day How To Absolutely Guarantee That You'll Have A Girlfriend by Valentine's Day Thu, 10 Feb 2011 20:57:32 -0500 1. Acquire $500 dollars. If your good, you’ll get this money back, either way, you’ll have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, so who cares, right?

 

2. Get some businessman looking guy to wear a suit and approach the girl you want to date. It can be any girl, at least as long as she has an extremely vague conception of who you are.

 

3. Businessman looking guy tells girl something like this:
...]]> /article/6362219 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6362219/an-excerpt-from-michael-bays-newest-screenplay An Excerpt from Michael Bay's Newest Screenplay Wed, 08 Dec 2010 23:40:26 -0500 EXT. CITY- NIGHT

We see a peaceful city at rest. A couple of people look up at the sky. Nothing special, right? Well, get this motherf*ckers. A f*cking meteor rips through space. Cue the fast-paced violin. Vum vum vum vvum vvum vum vum vum. Cue the TREBLE CHORUS /article/6344082 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6344082/espn-coverage-of-the-tony-hawk-pro-skater-3-world-championship ESPN Coverage of the Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 World Championship Tue, 16 Nov 2010 23:31:43 -0500 Play-by-play: Hey there folks. Thanks for joining us here at the warehouse. I’m Bill Cotton and as always, my color commentator, Jermie Williams. What’s your prediction for today, Jermie?

 

Color Commentator: Thanks Bill, Well, as always, Tony Hawk is a strong contender, but challenger Darth Maul has been looking real smooth on his manu...]]> /article/6276784 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6276784/m-night-shyamalan-interrogates-bob-marley-at-police-headquarters M. Night Shyamalan interrogates Bob Marley at Police Headquarters Wed, 01 Sep 2010 20:27:11 -0400 A bright light near blinds Bob Marley when he opens his eyes. A silhouette steps in front of him.

 

M Night: Mr. Marley, what were you doing the night of June 3rd?

 

Marley: I was planti...]]> /article/6168215 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6168215/brendan-fraser-meets-with-his-agent Brendan Fraser Meets With His Agent Sun, 13 Jun 2010 13:39:38 -0400 Agent: Oh, hey Brendan, come on in! I have a lot of new scripts that were sent for you.

Brendan Fraser: Alright! Hit me.

Agent: Ok, this one is a winner. Directed by Steven Spielberg, you’ll be starring alongside Russell Crowe and Daniel Day Lewis in “Tango Down”. It’s about three soldiers and their emotional journey through the war in Iraq. It’s a surefire Oscar winner!

Brendan Fraser: Sounds great! Who plays the goofy CGI animal that drives the plot?

Agent: No, Brendan, here’s the thing- There is no goofy CGI animal-

Brendan: Oh, so I’m the goofy one? Who plays my animal companion with glasses and a British accent?

...]]> /article/6163568 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6163568/literal-movie-titles Literal Movie Titles Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:44:50 -0400 Movie posters done by my poorly talented friend, Concrete Joe. He's never seen any of the following films. I apologize in advance for his atrocious photoshop skills, but it was hard enough as is to explain the program to him.

"How can a photo shop fit on a desk top? That would have to be a very large desk."

"Go f*ck yourself, Joe."
...]]> /article/6089251 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6089251/the-clean-plate-club-discusses-the-possible-addition-of-a-new-member The Clean Plate Club Discusses the Possible Addition of a New Member Tue, 18 May 2010 21:47:04 -0400 Dr. Pootenburg: We are gathered here today to discuss the possible addition of a new member. Today, Tommy (age seven) had ten chicken wings for dinner and ate every single one.

Dr. Shickakolede: Alright Pootenburg, just what is going on here? We don’t normally hold board meetings to discuss such trivial matters. The child finished his food, he is in!

Dr. Pootenburg: Ah, he may have eaten the chicken off the bones, but the bones are still on his plate. We are the Clean Plate Club goddammit! His plate is not clean, he is out!

Miss. Tittustra: Boys! Settle down! You are both being completely ridiculous. Pootenburg, you cannot expect this poor child to eat the bones! They are not food. There is no edible food left on his plate! Of course the child is allowed entry!

Dr. Pootenburg: But that’s where you are wrong, Miss. Tittustra. He left a little bit of meat on every end of the flats, and he could’ve taken more meat off the very top of the drumsticks. Food is still on his plate, and his plate is not clean. He’ll have another opportunity tomorrow night. For now, we must decline his entry for the integrity of this prestigious club!
...]]> /picture/6098431 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6098431/poor-tom-cruise Poor Tom Cruise Sun, 23 May 2010 21:31:44 -0400 /article/6051047 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6051047/how-to-pick-up-chicks-at-your-local-grocery-store How to Pick Up Chicks at Your Local Grocery Store Wed, 28 Apr 2010 06:56:53 -0400 To quote my favorite movie of all time, The Shawshank Redemption: “All you need in any given situation is a large fucking poster of Rita Hayworth, a rock hammer, pressure and time.” And that’s the secret.

 

Make sure you take everything you ever do in life extremely seriously. That’s what I do. I sure as hell don’t run face first into Publix’s automatic doors for fun, fuckface. They haven’t learned to respect me yet, but I’d bet a fistful of bloody pubes that I last longer than those goddamn automatic doors.
...]]> /article/6049112 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6049112/i-brush-my-teeth-dragon-ball-z-style I Brush My Teeth DRAGON BALL Z Style Mon, 26 Apr 2010 17:37:35 -0400 BAD ASS ANNOUNCER

Last time on “I Brush My Teeth DRAGON BALL Z Style”!: ADAM is about to face his toothbrush after finding out that his best friend, KRILLIN, choked and died on toothpaste!

 

...]]> /article/5985810 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5985810/how-you-deal-with-having-one-and-a-half-bites-left-of-your-sandwich-and-what-it-says-about-you How You Deal With Having One and a Half Bites Left Of Your Sandwich and What it Says About You Sat, 20 Mar 2010 23:59:01 -0400
You first take a half bite, and then finish with a full bite:

Sex: Male/ every once and a while

Major: Engineering

Personality: You plan ahead, you make decisions and act on th...]]> /article/5818543 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5818543/writing-a-pros-and-cons-article-about-writing-a-pros-and-cons-article-right-before-finals-right-before-finals Writing a Pros and Cons Article About Writing a Pros and Cons Article Right Before Finals, Right Before Finals Fri, 11 Dec 2009 10:24:16 -0500 Pros: You'll take your mind off the material which will help relieve your stress until you realize "HOLY SHIT I HAVE MY FINAL IN 2 HOURS!!!"



- It will help stop you from passing out after the painful all-nighter you just pulled, though not as much as that energy drink.

...]]> /article/5770621 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5770621/pros-and-cons-of-buying-mascara-and-using-it-on-the-hair-around-your-nipples-to-make-them-look-like-eyes Pros and Cons of Buying Mascara and Using It On the Hair Around Your Nipples to Make Them Look Like Eyes Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:12:32 -0500
Pros: Virtually an endless list. I could tell you about all the chicks you'll suddenly get without even saying a word or even taking off your shirt, but I bet you already knew all that.

I cou...]]> /article/5690335 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5690335/pros-and-cons-of-buying-a-chicken-for-your-backyard-shaving-it-tattooing-it-and-letting-it-roam-free Pros and Cons of Buying a Chicken For Your Backyard, Shaving it, Tattooing it, and Letting it Roam Free Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:04:09 -0400

Pros

1. Chicks will not be able to resist your new pet chicken, and by chicks I mean baby chickens, which are adorable. 

2. You can hypnotize it for fun; just put its head to the floor and d...]]> /article/5378035 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5378035/guy-plays-20-questions-with-his-girlfriend Guy Plays '20 Questions' with His Girlfriend Thu, 30 Jul 2009 19:52:32 -0400 Guy: Ok, you got it?

Girlfriend: Yea.

Guy: Ok, is it big?

Girlfriend: No.

Guy: Are you sure? I mean; it's relatively big, right?

Girlfriend: No, it's about the same size as all the others.

Guy: So it's above average?

Girlfriend: No. It's smaller.

Guy: What!? How many have you seen?
...]]> /article/5310034 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5310034/talkin-to-strangers Talkin' to Strangers! Fri, 24 Jul 2009 15:10:51 -0400 So, you and your roommates get along fine, you don't have a job or a girlfriend, and you pray every night for the opportunity to become a legend by sending a story to a submission-based column?

Well,...]]> /article/5278503 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5278503/the-different-underground-college-cults-and-the-pros-and-cons-of-joining-them The Different Underground College Cults and the Pros and Cons of Joining Them Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:55:07 -0400 The Vampire Cult: This cult, by definition, means that they only meet at night. (citation needed) They all wear black clothing with black eyeliner. The cult has a big economic gap straight down the middle, which is easily observable. The rich ones wear black leather while the poor ones look like bus boys. Pros: All the red juice you'll ever want. Cons: The more involved you are the more nocturnal you become.

The Parkour Cult: Parkour, or Free-Running, is a cult that generally only meets at night and then just runs around doing flips and handstands on park benches and slow moving people. Pros: You'll get in shape really fast. Cons: Cramps, sprained ankles, shin splints, and countless groin injuries will all most likely occur, plus if you fall they keep running without you. They stop for no man.

The Vending Machine Cult: Generally only meet at night as well, this cult will stand next to a vending machine all night, bragging to each other about what they're going to buy and snack on. But they never buy anything. They just stand there saying they will. Pros: Every time you walk past a vending machine you'll see someone you know. Cons: There are only two ways out; buying a snack, or starvation.

The CKC: Or the Computer Kids Cult; you'll find these guys at your school's cafeteria during prime lunch hours, typing away on their computers, reformatting G4 files and hacking into the mainframe or whatever it is the nerds do. Pros: Your Computer Science class will be a breeze after hanging out with these h4xx0rs or whatever they call themselves. Cons: Permanent loss of sex drive and sex appeal.

The Ultimate Frisbee Cult: At first you just hang out with these guys to play Frisbee. They ask for your cell number and email to "contact you when they're playing a game somewhere." And at first that's what they do. But then they call you to come to a party that they're throwing. So you go. And it's a sausage fest. They're just standing around drinking beers and playing beer pong. Then they start calling about other things. Just to hang out one on one. To grab a Frisbee because they lost theirs. To snort cocaine off their boner. Suddenly you're knee deep in morning dew and semen and you're stuck worse than if they had run a Wrap Around on your Inside Flick. And then one day you ask one of the newer guys for his number and some cocaine, and the cycle continues. Pros: Frisbee and free beer. Cons: Imagine Johnny Depp in Blow mixed with Bro Rape.

...]]> /article/5156251 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5156251/pros-and-cons-of-swallowing-pills-that-are-handed-to-you-at-a-rave Pros and Cons of Swallowing Pills That Are Handed to You at a Rave Wed, 08 Jul 2009 23:53:30 -0400 It's Ecstasy: This is probably what it is according to most movies where a chick hands a guy a pill in a bar. You take the pill, and you start feeling awesome and if you keep hanging out with this chick you'll probably hook up with her. If she ditches you you'll probably be mugged. Stay hydrated and you'll be all right.

It's a Roofie: Well if you're a hot chick I would recommend never taking a pill from any creepy looking guy, no matter how much they stress that, "It's certainly not a roofie." 9 times out of 10 this guy is lying.
...]]> /article/4006607 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4006607/critic-reviews-a-rollercoaster-tycoon-park Critic Reviews a RollerCoaster Tycoon Park Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:35:03 -0400 Today I had the extreme misfortune of attending the 1-year anniversary of the amusement park, "Tootsie's Cabaret." Not only is it not amusing in the slightest, but I'm pretty sure it's a concentration camp and I'm shocked that I made it out alive.

...]]>