CollegeHumor: Ashley http://www.collegehumor.com/user/125111 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/6100298 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6100298/if-i-were-a-boy If I Were A Boy Mon, 24 May 2010 21:33:07 -0400
I was at the gym the other day, and as I was going to town on the StairMaster, Beyonce’s hit song If I Were A Boy came onto my iPod. While Beyonce’s rendition of this song is touching and thought-provoking, I got to thinking about what I would do if I were a boy and how I would’ve wrote this same song. And that is just what I’ve done. For an easy comparison, I’ve bolded my re-writes underneath the actual lyrics for your reading pleasure.
...]]> /article/5878716 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5878716/college-life-vs-real-life College Life vs. Real Life Sat, 16 Jan 2010 21:32:25 -0500

As a recent graduate, I've begun to notice slight differences in the way I live my life, post-college. Once the initial sense of freedom wore off and the slow, sinking feeling that the days of partying til 3 a.m. and stumbling into class still drunk were long gone set in, I started jotting these differences down. Here's what I've come up with. . .thus far.


...]]> /article/5856569 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5856569/2010-new-year-resolutions 2010 New Year Resolutions. . . Sat, 02 Jan 2010 20:07:52 -0500

Stop google searching topless photos of 17 year old Taylor Lautner (of Twilight fame) as I'm sure doing so automatically puts me on some type of government watch list.

Read more. Correction, read more things that are not found on the magazine rack at the gym. Which wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing if all of the magazines weren't: a.) 6 months outdated and b.) aimed towards geriatrics as the gym I work out at is predominantly elderly people. Did you know there's a magazine called Arthritis Today? Furthermore, did you know there are over 100 types of arthritis? Treatment of arthritis varies depending on type and usually include medications, physical exercise and dietary supplements. Arthritis can affect anyone at any age, with symptoms including loss of range of motion, weight loss, extreme fatigue and non-specific fever.

Stop trying to bring back the phrase "holy schnikes." Start trying to bring back parachute pants.

Take up playing a musical instrument. Something cool like the guitar or the drums. I'm beginning to think my ability to play Hot Cross Buns on the recorder isn't quite as impressive as I once thought it was.

Stop referring to Kim Kardashian as my BFF. Just because I follow her on Twitter does not mean I'm friends with her. Or that I'm acquaintances with her. Or, according to the restraining order, allowed within 50 feet of her.

Find a new fallback plan to make my millions. Apparently I wasn't the only one who had an affair with Tiger Woods.

Stop narrating life in 3rd person. She said, knowing good and well this was one resolution she would not keep.

Turn Neil Patrick Harris straight.

Turn Megan Fox gay.

Rewrite Leo Tolstoy's epic novel War and Peace as a vampire erotic romance novel. Make it onto the New York Times Bestseller List. Have book made into movie or at least Lifetime Original Made-for-Television movie.

Cure cancer.


...]]> /article/4008984 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4008984/single-in-the-city Single in the city. . . Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:16:04 -0400 So as of approximately 72 hours ago, I am officially the only single girl left in my circle of friends. My last remaining single girl friend has abandoned ship and reeled in herself a man. I'm mixed between feelings of being extremely happy for her and horribly depressed for myself. Although, to be quite honest, I really have no one to blame for why I'm single but myself; I'm far too picky for my own good. But I am actually working on changing this, and by that I mean that I have gone on several dates this year. Yes, you read that correctly. I have gone on several dates. I know, you're not use to hearing the word "date" from me without "can't get a" or "hasn't gone on a" or "hell would have to freeze over and such unlikely events as world peace or the ending of world hunger or Lindsay Lohan winning an Oscar before I would ever go on a" in front of it. My roommate told me how proud she was of me. I said, "More proud than that time I saved that kid from that burning building?" She said she would be, had I actually saved a kid from a burning building. I figure that I need to give people more chances rather than forming judgements and opinions right away. The effect of this is probably what you can predict: I usually end up only going on one date with these guys because my suspicions are often confirmed. It's what I like to call The First Date Curse. I never make it to a second date.
...]]> /article/3980817 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3980817/abracadabra Abracadabra Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:28:28 -0400 I'm taking this English class and the other day we were talking about this story we were reading. In the story there's this guy who is granted three wishes (no, it's not Aladdin) and as the story progresses, you learn about the consequences of the wishes he makes. Anyway, I got to thinking about what I would wish for if I had three wishes. . .except for the sake of having this blog entry be sufficiently long enough, I've decided I would have ten wishes. Because this is my blog. And I do what I want. After much thought and effort, I would now like to share my wishes with you:
...]]> /article/3902252 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3902252/egarmany eGarmany Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:49:23 -0500 Valentine's Day was on Saturday and as to not let go of tradition, I spent it alone and of course, writing about how I spent it alone in an embarrassingly detailed article. Like the past three years. I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone by, you know, having an actual date. I know how most people hate change. Well, actually I didn't get asked on any dates and the only person who got me a Valentine's gift was my dad. Which, I don't know if that's a step up from the year the only Valentine's gift I got was a dozen of my favorite flowers, yellow roses, from my one of friends, who's a lesbian. Or the year I spent the entire night lying on my aunt and uncle's couch, watching Dancing With the Stars. I've pretty much come to terms with my singledom, so this year it won't be so depressing when I see other people getting presents and flowers and holding hands. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know I'm about seven years away from succumbing to online dating sites. My friend pointed out the other day that I start about 40% of our conversations with the phrase, "So I was on Netflix the other night. . .", which has caused her to dub Netflix as my new boyfriend. This only made me realize further that I need a romantic life, stat. So although I refuse to actually give in and sign up for Match.com or eHarmony until I'm at least closing in on 30, I started imagining what my profile would look like on one of those sites:
...]]> /article/3588818 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3588818/the-scenic-route-through-college The Scenic Route Through College Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:40:38 -0400 As I enter this, my sixth year in college (or as I like to refer to it: "the scenic route" or as my father likes to refer to it: "wait, the government is still giving you money?"), I've come to the harsh realization that it's about time I start getting my life together. And with this realization in mind, I decided to compile a list of 10 goals I hope to accomplish over the course of the next school year. I'd like to share those goals with you now:
...]]> /article/2937465 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/2937465/an-american-girl-in-celibacy An American Girl in Celibacy. . . Mon, 24 Sep 2007 20:36:58 -0400 Now that I've officially sworn off dating, and by "sworn off" I mean that I've finally realized that I'm far too neurotic for anyone to date and I think I'm doing the male gender a favor by kindly bowing out now. Not only am I too neurotic, but I have serious commitment issues. I've had precisely two boyfriends: the first being back during my freshman year of college (you know, back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and Britney Spears was still considered hot) and the second being during the fall of last year (pre-Lindsay Lohan drunkenly hijacking a car and trying to run over her assistant, but post-Nicole Richie hopped up on Vicodin, driving the wrong way down the highway). Then there's what my friends call "The 4 Month Curse". I've never dated anyone longer than four months. Seriously, I've had bottles of shampoo that have lasted longer than most of my relationships. I did the math and I've been on roughly 5 dates in four years. The amount of hours I've spent watching reruns of Step by Step has officially exceeded the combined amount of hours I've been on dates.
...]]> /article/1008454 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1008454/college-101 College 101 Fri, 04 May 2007 12:20:02 -0400 Last night I went out with some friends to celebrate my roommate's 23rd birthday. After several glasses of Michelob Light (shut up, it was $5.50 pitchers), three of us somehow got onto the topic of classes. Namely, the type of people that are always in your classes. It was then, in my drunken haze, that I was struck with the inspiration for this blog entry. I was also struck with the realization that I have officially crossed the 100 day mark since my last sexual encounter, however this is in no way related to the rest of this post. Anyway, I decided to compile a list, if you will, of the stereotypical types of people that exist in every class on every college campus everywhere. Below is that list.
...]]> /article/970477 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/970477/paramount-points Paramount points. . . Thu, 26 Apr 2007 20:43:08 -0400 So I was at the UC campus bookstore earlier today buying a new quantum physics textbook. . .haha, just kidding. I don't even know what quantum physics means. I was buying the new issue of Cosmo. And by "buying" I mean sitting in the store and reading it because I'm too cheap to buy it. Side note: how awkward is it when you're sitting there reading the Top 50 sex positions and your English professor from last quarter walks passed and says hi? And you're reminded of how much he looks like Bruce Willis. And you start thinking of how much you'd like to push him up against the Travel & Leisure section and have your way with him. And then you realize that it's only 10 a.m. and that's far too early for you to be having sexual fantasies, particularly about a middle-aged married man who has two small children. And then you decide you should probably start cutting back on all those Lifetime movies you watch with titles like Unbridled Passion: The Megan Masek Story or Liz's Sultry Summer: One Girl's Tale of Lust at First Sight. And then when you're typing that last sentence you suddenly remember that you had a dream last night with Jennifer Lopez in it, which is weird because you don't even like Jennifer Lopez, although she wasn't that bad in The Wedding Planner which might have been because Matthew McConaughey was in it, which could've distracted you from Jennifer Lopez's horrible acting abilities. Although she wasn't that bad in Selena either, but that was before she was rich and famous and she still really was just Jenny from the block.
...]]> /article/915772 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/915772/the-agony-and-the-ex-tasy The agony and the ex-tasy. . . Tue, 17 Apr 2007 11:55:30 -0400 With the impending arrival of my 22nd birthday just months away, I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. I would say that I've been thinking a lot about my present as well, but the present is too depressing. My career involves me artistically crafting exotic libations and distributing said libations to the affluent and enchanting a.k.a. I make coffee for people who have too much money. And I had to use thesaurus.com to write that sentence. And I had to use dictionary.com to figure out how to spell thesaurus. Anyway, back to my pathetic life. I feel like I've been in school since Paris Hilton lost her virginity and god knows when the hell that was. I have absolutely no idea when I'm graduating, and I seriously doubt me sitting here writing this and watching Full House reruns is doing anything to help that. I have no money, which leads to a lot of internal debates over whether I really need to eat this week because there's this really cute shirt at J. Crew that I just have to have. I try to write them off as business expenses, I don't know what exactly that means, but it makes me feel a lot better about spending the money.
...]]> /article/823149 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/823149/a-ballad-to-my-breasts A Ballad to my Breasts Wed, 28 Mar 2007 18:47:03 -0400


The components of the body are incredible

The arms, the legs, the back

But none quite so delightful

As my huge, ginormous rack.
...]]> /article/810406 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/810406/dont-ask-dont-tell Don't ask, don't tell. . . Mon, 26 Mar 2007 08:27:29 -0400 I spent the past week in Panama City Beach, Florida for Spring Break 2007. This was the first spring break for me that I actually went somewhere. All of my previous breaks were spent working, namely as the Easter Bunny at the local mall. So instead of having a bunch of screaming, crying children sitting on my lap, I had a bunch of horny, drunk guys trying to sit on my lap. Kind of the same thing, but not. I think I underestimated spring break or rather the total lack of inhibitions people have while on spring break. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having fun and letting go. Only my definition of "letting go" involves a little more, "Hey, lets make some drinks and lie on the beach for a few hours" and a little less, "Hey, lets get wasted and go to an asian whore house." Just as an example. Not saying that really happened. Although if it did, I could say that they do in fact exist and there may or may not be one in Atlanta, Georgia. P.S. A handjob may or may not cost you $60.
...]]> /article/746026 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/746026/campus-geographic Campus Geographic. . . Sat, 10 Mar 2007 19:33:06 -0500 Today when I was at the gym, I ran into someone that I went to high school with. I hadn't seen the person in almost four years. Isn't it funny how when you run into someone from high school, they act like the two of you were best friends? Rather than the awkward two minute conversation that ensues where they ask you about school and your life, I'd rather just state the obvious: you never spoke one word to me in all four years of high school because I was a huge nerd and you were too popular to be seen with me. So lets not make with the small talk, a simple nod of acknowledgement will do and then go about your business. Anyway, if there's one place to not be seen by someone you know it's at the gym. First off, let me just say that I let out a freakishly large amount of body liquids. Peeing, sweating, you name it. Seriously. I sweat more than the entire 2004 U.S. Olympic men's lacrosse team. I don't know if there even is a U.S. Olympic men's lacrosse team, but what the hell.
...]]> /article/680954 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/680954/no-sex-in-the-city No sex in the city. . . Sun, 25 Feb 2007 20:38:39 -0500 Well, I'm back from my fabulous weekend in Chicago. I always forget how much Cincinnati sucks until I go other places. We've got what? A football team with at least one of the players getting arrested every week and noodles with chili on them. I've only been to Chicago a few times, but I can definitely say it's probably one of my most favorite places to visit. I remember the first time I went there, I got shitfaced and then insisted that someone take me to see the house from Family Matters. I also once got shitfaced and peed on my living room floor and apparently attempted to flush the space heater, but that's a different story.
...]]> /article/667523 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/667523/my-d-cup-runneth-over My D-Cup runneth over. . . Thu, 22 Feb 2007 23:54:15 -0500 There are a number of things that I am in denial about. First and foremost, the fact that Designing Women is no longer on the air; secondly, the almost certainty that Hilary Duff and I will never be lesbians together; and lastly, the substantiality of my bust. The admeasurement of my bosom. The magnitude of my upper trunk—-a.k.a. my ginormous boobs. I've always been well-endowed in that department. Don't take this as me bragging, because I hate having huge fun bags. As a young girl growing up in a small mid-western town in Northern Kentucky, I was a tomboy. I use to do whatever I could to hide them: baggy clothes, sports bras, taping them down (shut up, I was desperate). I even had the crazy theory that sleeping on my stomach would somehow stop them from growing. Needless to say, a.) it didn't work and b.) I apparently drank a lot of paint thinner as a child, because I have no other way to describe my irrational theory.
...]]> /article/658537 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/658537/no-ifs-ands-or-butts No ifs, ands or butts. . . Wed, 21 Feb 2007 09:52:43 -0500 People often tell me that I have a fantastically sculpted ass. Obviously, by "people" I mean myself and by "often" I mean this morning when I was staring at my naked butt in front of the mirror, as I so frequently do. I really don't have an ass. I mean, it's not even flat; one might go so far as to call it concave, much like Nicole Richie's chest. The only thing holding up my pants are my wide, child-bearing hips and thighs so muscular and divine, you could crack a walnut between them.
...]]> /article/634989 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/634989/la-douleur-exquise La douleur exquise. . . Fri, 16 Feb 2007 22:37:20 -0500 Today was a pretty eventful day for me. First, I only had to work for four hours. Then I got to hang out with of my good friends who was in town and finally, I had an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed. I like to get my eyebrows waxed at least once a month, with a little tweezing in between for upkeep. However, I've been pretty busy lately so I haven't been able to keep the appointments I've made over the past month. So I had gone two months. And I'm fairly lazy about tweezing. It was uh, it was getting pretty bad. I was starting to resemble Eugene Levy. Alright, it wasn't that bad, but another three weeks and I would've looked like Bert from Seasame Street.
...]]> /article/624341 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/624341/be-mine-until-tomorrow-morning Be mine. . .until tomorrow morning. Thu, 15 Feb 2007 01:08:03 -0500 Ah, Valentine's Day. A day for lovers. A day full of flowers and chocolates and cupid and little hearts that say things like, "Be Mine" or "Forever Yours." It truly is a day of love and intimacy. . .unless, of course, you're single. In which case your day is more filled with hating people who get flowers and eating the entire heart-shaped box of chocolates that you bought for yourself. Valentine's Day can get pretty depressing when you're single. That's why I think we should get a day of our own. You guys have your Valentine's Days and your Christmases spent sipping hot cocoa by the fire while gazing into each other's eyes. And don't even get me started on Sweetest Day. What the fuck is that? Sweetest Day is just Valentine's Day, but in October. Sweetest Day is for the boyfriends and husbands who screwed up on Valentine's Day and get a second shot at making it right eight months later. Bullshit. You deserve ONE day. ONE.
...]]> /article/599779 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/599779/great-sexpectations Great Sexpectations. . . Sun, 11 Feb 2007 22:01:26 -0500 I was re-reading my February issue of Cosmo today (I like to re-read the issues several times and memorize all the sex tips) and I came across an article titled The Sex He'll Die For. Basically what it is, is an article on foreplay strategies that will "bring on the bliss." First of all, this article shouldn't have been titled The Sex He'll Die For. It should've been titled, He's So Glad About The Prospect of Getting Ass That He'll Do Whatever Type of Foreplay He Thinks Will Make You Happy if it Means Him Getting Laid. That was probably just too long to fit on the page. What the article goes on to discuss is ways to lengthen the foreplay to intensify your man's orgasm.
...]]>