I'm very sarcastic. People know me. If procrastination were a country, I would be supreme dictator. I like cheddar cheese. Sports control my life. If I were in charge of Pennsylvania I would change its nickname to the Keystone Light State. I'm very easy to make fun of. I'm very lazy. If you don't know me, you are probably dead inside. If you do know me, you are probably within inches of what Buddhists call "enlightenment." I quote bad movies constantly. I've gained 30 lbs. in college and it's not muscle. I don't have as many friends as I'd like to think. Sometimes, when no one is looking, I grab my crotchal region to make sure my buddy is still there. If you drink enough, you will do one of two things: you will begin to find me attractive or you will die from alcohol poisoning - sadly, none who have tested this theory are still breathing. I once watched a chick flick and enjoyed it. I am convinced that I have adult A.D.D. I've heard that, with regards to genitalia, if you use it you lose it; I won't lose it until I'm 75. My lungs are blacker than Wesley Snipes after a long day at the coal mine. I have cooked Hot Pockets when drunk and passed out while they were cooling off. I don't work out because when I sweat, I smell the beer emanating from my pores and it makes me want to drink again. I have many leatherbound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. I like to drink by myself on occasion. I have never made an incorrect statement in my life. Someone actually once told me that I was a legend and that he was honored to meet me. Scientifically, I have many properties similar to the sun - the foremost being that if you look at me for too long, you go blind. I have said the word "assclown" more times than anyone else in the history of time. I am a gourmet chef as long as the meal is prepared in a microwave or toaster. I have, on many occasions, passed out in my chair after a long night of drinking. My friends call me Sway because usually I drink so much that I can't stand up straight. I love NyQuil in original green death flavor. I am 100% straight but I would still have Jack Bauer's babies if he were real and it were physically possible. I can feel my belly shake when I walk, which means that I am officially becoming overweight. I only dance when I'm under the influence of controlled substances, and thus believe that I have rhythm. I have peed out of windows more times than I have been outside of the Tri-State area. I have eaten a whole stick of butter for $3. I've worn a woman's bathing suit before, just to see what it was like. I like MOST people, but I like making fun of ALL people. I don't do things on gut feelings, I do them on groin feelings. I think I have a third nipple (an accessory areola). Clowns scare the living shit out of me. I have purified myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. I can belch the alphabet with ease. Game... Blouses.