CollegeHumor: Bevy M. http://www.collegehumor.com/user/1889576 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/6194364 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6194364/concerns-from-the-raptor-pit-in-jurassic-park Concerns From The Raptor Pit In Jurassic Park Wed, 30 Jun 2010 00:56:12 -0400 Fellow velociraptors,

None of us would disagree it’s been a confusing month. For one, we’re not extinct anymore. For two, instead of having a lot of different dinosaur species to hunt and ea...]]> /article/5292541 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5292541/count-von-counts-screen-test-for-twilight Count von Count's Screen Test for Twilight Thu, 23 Jul 2009 00:41:58 -0400



Casting Director: I'm going to have you read the part of Edward, the compassionate vampire, and I'll be reading Bella, his human love interest. This is the scene where they confess their love for each other, so it'd help for you to really bring out the tenderness of the moment. Okay?
...]]> /article/5087514 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5087514/guide-to-a-recession-proof-summer Guide to a Recession-Proof Summer Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:17:10 -0400 Poverty's gone Megazord, and cash is hard to come by. Whatever job you had last summer has now been taken by someone older and sadder. What's worse, your friends all spike their hair and wear those cool MMA shirts, and thus have no reason to hang out with you, because you wear Sketchers and still can't really say your Rs right. And if things weren't bad enough, you live in the Midwest, which means there is corn instead of fun things to do. Luckily there exists a guide to having a decent summer for broke people without many friends. This is it.


...]]> /article/4062132 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4062132/burger-king-kids-club-all-grown-up Burger King Kids Club: All Grown Up Fri, 12 Jun 2009 02:41:36 -0400


...]]> /article/4060024 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4060024/2010-summer-movie-preview 2010 Summer Movie Preview Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:49:29 -0400




College Musical: The End Of Innocence

Zac Efron forgoes college because why go to college anyway if you can make, like, sixteen an hour sealing decks? In the first week he suffers irreparable brain damage from poor worksite ventilation, culminating in the heartbreaking ballad, "I are glorhbvnjshh." Meanwhile, Vanessa Hudgens loses her scholarship when the dean finds naked photos of her on FoxNews.com. Then poverty happens.


...]]> /article/4054219 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4054219/distinguished-people-describing-really-sad-things-to-do-to-animals Distinguished People Describing Really Sad Things To Do To Animals Fri, 05 Jun 2009 15:35:01 -0400 Blessed are the people whose leaders can look a turtle in the eye without flinching while dousing it in lighter fluid and dropping it into a blender. – Henry Kissinger

You know my friends, there comes a time when people get tired of being trampled by the iron feet of oppression. This is the time when we all come together with jalapeno poppers and soda pop, and watch a dolphin fry in a tanning bed. – Martin Luther King Jr.

The long hours spent with animals in the forest have enriched my life beyond measure. Especially when I fit a baby giraffe with a pair of roller skates and stick it on a treadmill. – Jane Goodall

I did not get on the bus to get arrested. I got on that bus to go string an octopus to a tetherball pole and watch the kids go nuts. – Rosa Parks

I believe that in the 20th century, humanity has learned from many, many experiences. Like cutting open a football and filling it with broken glass, newspaper, and a hamster, and then playing catch for a while. This teaches us grace. – The Dalai Lama

A man does what he must – even if it means forcing a lemur to stare at a solar eclipse – and that is the basis of all human morality. – John F. Kennedy

No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night. Except maybe the squirrel who's been strapped to a boomerang and dipped in a highly corrosive substance. It's a close call. – Elie Wiesel

If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician, or maybe I'd pursue my dream of building the world's first koala bomb. – Albert Einstein

Every Hindu boy and girl should possess sound Samskrit learning. And a car battery to electrocute elephants after school. – Mohandas Gandhi

Man, was Sasha ever pissed at her birthday party when she discovered the piñata was just a cocker spaniel covered in papier-mâché. – Barack Obama
/article/3874267 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3874267/transcript-of-the-secret-meeting-between-president-obama-and-oprah Transcript of the Secret Meeting Between President Obama and Oprah Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:09:23 -0500 (President Obama and Oprah are seated across from one another in two arm chairs. The president is well postured and dignified. Oprah is wearing a yellow pantsuit and a button that reads "Yes Oprah Can." She lifts her leg and farts. The room begins to smells like wet twenty dollar bills.)

Oprah: So, Baracky boy—

Obama: —Please, Mr. Obama or President Obama works fine.

Oprah: Oh? But shouldn't we be on a first name basis? After all, I'm irrefutably the most powerful black woman on the planet and you're the most powerful black man. You'd think that'd constitute some sort of…affinity.

(She reaches forward and strokes his thigh. He immediately jerks his leg away.)

Obama: Miss Winfrey, this is entirely uncou—

Oprah: —Ope. Just call me Ope. Like Hope without the H.

Obama: Oprah, this is exceedingly inappropriate, and who we are as professionals shouldn't license us as individuals to…

(President Obama lectures about ethics while Oprah, not actually listening, applies very bright lipstick and unbuttons the top button on her jacket.)

Obama: …people of integrity to a higher standard. Is that understood?

Oprah: You know, Mr. President, I never married because I didn't think there was a man who could ball in my court. But as I understand, you truly are commander in chief when you play.

(Oprah is somehow eating Combos suggestively.)
/article/3868441 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3868441/lets-be-wiisonable Let's Be Wiisonable Mon, 26 Jan 2009 12:00:09 -0500



]]> /article/3868010 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3868010/how-i-used-the-coupon-book-my-girlfriend-gave-me-for-christmas-by-the-worst-boyfriend-ever How I Used the Coupon Book My Girlfriend Gave Me for Christmas, by the Worst Boyfriend Ever Mon, 26 Jan 2009 01:05:24 -0500


Aware of her pathological fears of both poverty and saying no, I made her take me to Cabrini-Green, which, if you're unfamiliar with the city of Chicago, is the socioeconomic equivalent to an empty bottle of malt liquor filled with infected syringes. I had her wear a sandwich board with BOTH MY PARENTS ARE DOCTORS in bold black text, and by the end of the night, at very little provocation, she had handed out almost six-hundred dollars to everyone who asked. Because she was such a trooper, I told her to close her eyes and that I was going to give her a surprise. Then I put a rat on her head. She cried some. Then I told her to close her eyes again because I really did have a good surprise. She closed her eyes, and then she was alone in an alley with a blind woman named Cline.


...]]> /article/3852146 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3852146/monthly-review-from-an-obsessive-compulsive-roommate Monthly Review from an Obsessive Compulsive Roommate Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:30:56 -0500 To Lucas, My University-Designated Rooming Person,


I would first like to thank you for being a tolerant and non-judgmental friend. I thank you for understanding why it is important to play Arctic Whale Songs, tracks three, seven, and eleven at startling volumes each night as we try to sleep. I thank you for taking all my violent accusations with a gentle spirit, and not pressing charges when I cut off your girlfriend's unsymmetrical ponytail. I thank you for waiting in the hallway for exactly thirteen minutes every morning while I change out of my jammies and examine my body for any new moles or lumps that might have surfaced over night. Also, I thank you for recognizing how truly important it is to store my urine in gallon Ziploc bags in the mini-fridge alongside your sodas and perishable comestibles. You've exemplified noteworthy dedication to diplomatic cohabitation, and there's not much more I can ask of you. Except the following seven things:

1)You often fail to pronounce hard consonants at the end of words. For instance, "I am going to dinner, ?an' then to night class." In my desk (under three red pencils and a long eraser standing edgewise) is a list of seventy-nine instances in which you misspoke in the last seven days, and if we could schedule a bit of time for you to repeat each questionable phrase with correct emphasis on the correct letters, it'd really relieve a lot of stress for both of us, I'm sure.
/article/3848667 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3848667/the-morning-after-american-idol-minimal-pedophilia The Morning After American Idol: Minimal Pedophilia Wed, 14 Jan 2009 01:22:32 -0500 The eighth season of American Idol kicked off last night, and I was so excited that I watched it.

The first round of auditions took place in scorching Phoenix, where the talent and landscape were comparably barren. Randy, still sporting a modest layer of blubber, was literally melting all over the carpet, much to the dismay of Manuel, the mop-wielding custodian with the villainous mustache visible in certain celebratory shots.

The first surprise of the new season was the fourth judge, Kara DioGuardi, the big-time songwriter/producer who must literally sit outside Disney World with an enormous net, as she is behind the, ahem, music of bubbalicious stars like Hillary Duff, Miley Cyrus, Raven Symone, Vanessa Hudgens, and, go figure, Carlos Santana. She and Paula totally had the girl power thing going on, and it was expectedly irritating.

The auditions, for the most part, were excruciatingly bland. During commercial breaks I had to ask my little niece to kick me repeatedly in the groin to stay awake. The show failed to capitalize on the "That dude's totally a pedophile" effect, which is all that really matters in the audition episodes. I counted only three possible pedophiles, and one was a singer's dad. I totally pegged Arizona as a pedophile state, too, but was sorely disappointed. Cross your fingers for Jacksonville.

The best audition of the night, hands down, was 23-year-old Elijah Scarlet, a cross between Mugsy Bogues and Huckleberry Hound, physically speaking. As for his voice, it was no higher than the average blue whale's. Each word he spoke literally sounded like a tugboat approaching harbor. The judges were hard-pressed to make any comments, as human ears can't perceive frequencies below 20 Hz. Sadly, the judges turned him down, and he walked off the set with a smile so dopey it broke my heart. Though I couldn't understand him, I'm sure his words were beautiful.

Perhaps the most interesting audition of the night was Bikini Girl who, like Audacious Ginger, Sensitive Rocker, Butch McLesbianoid, Sob Story, and Black-By-Skin-Only, will never make a name for herself. Wearing the scantest bikini and heels appropriate for one profession only, she caused Simon to morph into a howling cartoon wolf. Randy, resisting the reflex to ?smack dat,' ducked his head under the table and ate linguini with clam sauce. Both women judges were outraged that they looked old and ugly in comparison*. Her singing was piss-poor, but they let her into the next round on looks alone—certainly the responsible message for the millions of impressionable little girls sitting on their Barbie beanbags at home.

A real bummer last night was the absence of Coca Cola logos on every conceivable surface. It was difficult to watch the whole two hours without knowing what the judges were drinking. An unlabeled cup could be anything: old milk, baby blood, urine, Randy sweat, Coke Zero, water with poop in it. With no explanation during the credits or on the show's website, I can only hope that it was a slip in judgment because I really, really love advertisements (Yay for the approximately 7,000 commercials!)

The last audition of the night was Scott MacIntyre, an almost-blind guy who, despite not being able to see much, was heroically able to change the pitch of his voice and sing decently. Bravely forfeiting his blind person stick, he stood facing a potted cactus until Simon told him to turn the other way. Then he sang. And did alright. Your mom couldn't stop crying. It's admirable that he carries on despite his handicap, but the show cracked it up like he was partially decapitated and severely retarded, and only managed to sing by some mystical feat of diaphragmatic fortitude. They patronized him like it was no one's business.

Tune in tomorrow night for nothing special.

* Paula, who is nearly 50, showed all her years and then some last night. Wearing what I can only describe as Mrs. Magoo glasses, her skin looked alarmingly loose, and her tan might've actually been the result of some liver problem. I imagine her stylist sprayed her down with half a bottle of formaldehyde just to be presentable. She wore a shiny metallic jacket in 100 degree weather, proving she is certifiably insane.
/article/3778043 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3778043/the-university-circus The University Circus Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:05:57 -0500 Five oddities every undergrad's sure to encounter.



The Diseased?: On the shadowy end of your hallway lives a guy who, by all indicators, must have a disease or something. The evidence stacks up like coats at a house party, and though everyone's afraid to ask him, the general consensus is that he's either highly diseased or a graduate of Professor Xavier's School for the Unloved Mutants. There's just something about his scrawny frame, his inflated and unbalanced skull, and his prolonged blinks which make people leery to use the same shower he's used (and probably shed radioactive skin particles in). You try to be nice to the guy, but it's hard to concentrate on a conversation when he's maniacally stacking Coke cans on his window sill and combing the carpet for a missing piece of lead. As long as you don't lend him your loofa or anything, you should be fine. It's advisable, though, to return to your room immediately if you see glowing eyes in the hallway late at night.


...]]> /article/3595707 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3595707/the-seven-types-of-grandma The Seven Types of Grandma Sat, 27 Sep 2008 16:37:51 -0400 The Textbook: Kind eyes, a precise five-centimeter half-ro extended off her shriveled skull, godlike pie-making skills, and a card-carrying Wheel Watchers member, the Textbook is the grandma we've all heard of yet never actually encountered. I'll admit, some grandmas come close, but they usually have a catch, like a gambling addiction or a club foot. Still, take what you can get, as any grandmother with a proclivity for baking who isn't girdle-deep in tears for her deceased husband is something to be cherished.


...]]> /article/3586810 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3586810/the-ugg-ly-truth The Ugg-ly Truth Sat, 20 Sep 2008 04:10:45 -0400
Dear Ugg-Boot Wearing Friend,

      If a woman's best friend is her shoes, I suggest you meet new people. You started wearing Ugg boots four or five years ago, and we all thought it was a pretty funny joke. Everyone was like, "Hey, that girl looks like a Clydesdale or polar bear," and I admit, I got a kick out of it. Remember, we all made animal noises at you and forced you to eat from a trough?
...]]> /article/3562062 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3562062/web-md-guest-editors Web MD Guest Editors Sun, 31 Aug 2008 22:31:28 -0400




/article/3536140 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3536140/yang-wins-all-around-bronze-after-old-macdonald-routine Yang Wins All-Around Bronze After "Old MacDonald" Routine Fri, 15 Aug 2008 01:43:37 -0400
After a masterful showing on the uneven bars in Beijing on Thursday night, Yilin Yang of China took home the bronze medal. Her hopes for gold or silver faded after a great, but not perfect, performance on the floor to "Old MacDonald."
...]]> /article/3535292 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3535292/i-am-going-to-count-to-three I am Going to Count to Three Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:40:12 -0400
You have 'til the count of three to come down from that coffee table, mister. What happens at three is a mystery to you. I could spank you, I suppose. Three swift smacks to the bottom, you run crying to your room, and ten minutes later you've forgotten everything that happened. Feel lucky if you are spanked. You won't get spanked, though. Perhaps something telekinetic happens at three. Do you know that word, telekinetic? It means that Santa might find out you've been bad and you'll receive inferior toys for Christmas. Orphanage toys. You know, board games that involve spelling, things carved out of wood, yo-yo's. No Nintendo Wii after three, one might say.
...]]> /article/3509584 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3509584/adverse-effects-of-baby-einstein-videos Adverse Effects of Baby Einstein Videos Thu, 24 Jul 2008 01:58:58 -0400


]]> /article/3492206 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3492206/style-changes Style Changes Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:24:59 -0400


1994


Mom: Steve, try on these Bugle Boy pants I bought you.


Me: OK.


Mom: The cuffs are stretchy so you don't tear them when you play.
...]]> /article/3460743 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3460743/historically-accurate-haikus Historical(ly accurate) Haikus Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:47:58 -0400





Abraham Lincoln


Sick! Look at his brains!


I guess he'll need a new hat
...]]>