CollegeHumor: 105%-O-Matic

I like Ultimate Frisbee because it doesn't have to deal with the convoluted continuity issues of regular Frisbee.

/article/6593685 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6593685/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-nine 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Nine Tue, 23 Aug 2011 15:26:02 -0400

It's important to be conservative with water. That's why when I shower I just redistribute the cleanliness amongst the already clean.

-Julie Shain @JulieShain

I don't know why I even bother eating tangerines if people are going to keep g...]]> /article/6583461 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6583461/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-eight 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Eight Tue, 09 Aug 2011 12:49:55 -0400

Whichever ad exec wrote "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's" is more than welcome to help me dislodge this peanut butter cup from my ear.

-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit

My inferiority complex is not as good as everybody else's. /article/6574496 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6574496/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-seven 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Seven Wed, 27 Jul 2011 16:59:56 -0400

The worst is when you find out the hot tub ISN'T a time machine and you're just sitting there with your "PRESIDENT LINCOLN! DUCK!" sign.

-Steve Etheridge @Stetheridge...]]> /article/6563471 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6563471/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-six 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Six Tue, 12 Jul 2011 16:38:52 -0400

They say no news is good news, but it's probably bad news if all the world's news outlets have been destroyed.

-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan

There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but there are no good ways to explain why you have ...]]> /article/6545373 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6545373/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-five 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Five Thu, 23 Jun 2011 13:10:55 -0400

I don't want to sound homophobic, but I don't think gay male grizzly bear couples should be allowed to raise kids. They usually eat them.

-Kevin Corrigan @KevinCorrigan

I'm an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I...]]> /article/6528445 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6528445/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-four 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Four Wed, 08 Jun 2011 16:57:08 -0400

"I cracked the case." – detective who just dropped his iPhone

-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit

"Those who delete their internet history are doomed to repeat it."

-Lev Novak @L...]]> /article/6508987 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6508987/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-three 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Three Wed, 18 May 2011 12:09:56 -0400

Carmen Sandiego could have made a lot of kids feel really stupid if she had just hidden in San Diego.

-Chase Mitchell @ChaseMit

"Party hard!" – caveman with Social Anxiety Disorder

-Alex Watt /article/6499495 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6499495/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-two 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Two Wed, 04 May 2011 13:22:24 -0400

Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.

-Alex Watt @AlexanderWatt

When push comes to shove, you're definitely delivering the baby wrong.

-Steve Etheridge @stetheridge...]]> /article/6485087 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6485087/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty-one 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty One Wed, 20 Apr 2011 17:42:32 -0400

There's something to be said about specificity. Not sure what though.

-Wiseguy Pictures @WiseguyPictures

I wonder what compelled Man to first settle in arctic climates. I bet it was the promise of their women eventually evolving into...]]> /article/6471141 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6471141/105-issue-one-hundred-and-fifty 105%: Issue One Hundred and Fifty Wed, 06 Apr 2011 14:30:44 -0400

I offered a pregnant woman a seat on the subway. She refused, but it was for the best. She was probably too big to sit on my lap anyway.

-Brian Murphy @CHMurph

I yelled "It's snowing!" right in the middle of algebra today I was so ...]]> /article/6454847 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6454847/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-nine 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Nine Wed, 16 Mar 2011 15:59:53 -0400

In like a lion, out like a slightly more warm lion.

Backward fitted caps, a father and a failure, goatees everywhere.

-Brian Murphy @CHMurph

Pretty sure I could beat Watson in any eating contest. In fact, that goes for any computer. Except maybe t...]]> /article/6439063 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6439063/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-eight 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Eight Mon, 28 Feb 2011 16:35:21 -0500

The only Internet joke article with both tiger blood and Adonis DNA

I usually don't mind being called "Chief" or "Boss" by a waiter, but "Infallible Table Pope" seems a bit much.

-Steve Powers

One day I'm going to start a mother-son dating site called Oedipal Arrangements.

-Bryan Berlin @Berlination

If Life gives you lemons, then you are playing a ridiculously specific version. Normally it's just like "have a kid" or "get a job".

-David Fromstein

I can't tell you how many times I've been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#

-Rich Piepho

I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it's a stretch.

-Mike Fagan

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was a reverse 360 ollie while listening to some Reel Big Fish tunes.
...]]> /article/6422060 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6422060/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-seven 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Seven Wed, 09 Feb 2011 13:58:27 -0500

Eat your lousy chocolate-filled heart out

2012: get rich or die Mayan

-Steph Belsky (@stephbelsky)

I'm so obsessed with cleanliness, I wash my hands BEFORE I go to the bathroom instead.

-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)

Black Guy's Twitter Update When He Walks Into A Store

@StoreEmployee is now following you.

-Conor McKeon

Anyone that says soup is filling was already full of sh*t to begin with.

-Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt)

I used to be REALLY into legos, but then I learned how to masturbate.

-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)

What's the hottest new trend in Frat-house architecture? Natural light, brah!

-Michael Musgrave

Stereotypes

I like to go to the mall and yell stereotypes at Asian families, like "Sony HT-SF470 Surround Sound Home Theater System!"

-Patrick Merryman (@PatrickMerryman)

I'm not usually one to wax poetic, but have you seen Emily Dickinson's bikini line lately?

-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)

Click here to submit your own 105%.
...]]> /article/6403835 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6403835/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-six 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Six Tue, 25 Jan 2011 15:33:40 -0500

LOLscar Nominated

Amateur cartoonists strip their way through college

-Jon Wolf (@jwolftweets)

Girls that I can't have sex with are completely ineffable

-Tom Philip (@tommphilip)

Of all the problems plaguing the Spiderman musical, installing "Clap On Clap Off" lights in the theater has to be among the dumbest.

-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)

"I'd love to, but I have to help a friend move" is always an honest excuse if you're a ventriloquist.

-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)

Avatar made me think blue women could be sexy. The recent cold weather changed my mind.

-Marc Shalet

I went to get my grandfather creamated, but I was disappointed with the lack of flavors

-Zack Loft

I refuse to bungee jump. I came into this world by a broken rubber and I won't leave it the same way.

-Santos Miranda

I don't understand why people are so amazed when i say my grandfather survived Auschwitz. Most german officers did.

-Sven Sic

My friend told me that I shouldn't make rash decisions. Of course, that was before he got gonorrhea.

-Kevin Slane (@KSlane)

Click here to submit your own 105%.
...]]> /article/6386013 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6386013/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-five 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Five Mon, 10 Jan 2011 15:12:12 -0500

Just visited the Empire State Building or as I like to call it, "America's Boner."

-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)

My friends and I were Goths in grade school. During recess we'd sit by ourselves and plot a defense against the invading Hunnic Empire.

-Conor McKeon

Buzz Lightyear settles down

"To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!"

-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)

I always feel like I’m about to get murdered or die in a horrible accident whenever “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” comes on the radio. “Wooly Bully,” too. I can’t understand anything the guy’s saying, so I have to assume it’s about dying.

-Alex Watt

I know a lot of people hate paying ATM services fees, but I don’t. It’s a lot less expensive than paying everyone in the room to pretend you’re not a cheapskate.

-Connor Dowd

My dog urinated on my cocaine stash, I had to rub her nose in it.
...]]> /article/6361988 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6361988/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-three 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Three Wed, 08 Dec 2010 19:00:15 -0500

As leaked by Julian Assange

I got hooked on phonics when I was 11. Everyday it's a struggle to see a word and not try to sound that sh*t out.

-Conor McKeon

I'm not so much "World's Best Boss" as I am "Guy Who Beat Someone Up And Stole Their Mug."

-Brian Murphy (@CHMurph)

Did You Know?

The preferred term to describe a Glee fanatic is not "Glaggot."

-Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch)

My uncle always talks trash when we play one-on-one. Like, "Biodegradable plastics are rapidly emerging." Or, "Shoot a three you pussy."

-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)

If I've learned anything from masturbation, it's how to type with my left hand.

-Dan Kurkowski

Last week I joined a satanic cult. You know, for the hell of it.

-Stephen Kropa

I never knew how to create suspense. But now… I do.

-Phil Morello

If someone ever offers you a Cocker Spaniel, you should take the Spaniel.

-Kent Doss

People are always judging me, and I wouldn't mind so much if the verdict wasn't always a restraining order.

-Dan Hamilton

Click here to submit your own 105%.
...]]> /article/6354386 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6354386/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-two 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty Two Tue, 30 Nov 2010 01:13:00 -0500

Now That's What I Call One-Liners! 142

Meat is Self-Defense.

-Andrew Caudill

Buying pants is a lot like watching Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. It's sort of funny the first time they shrink, but every time after that you just get really mad at Rick Moranis.

-Alex Watt

Regrets

They say you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do do. Except when it's in your pants.

-Mayor McCheesy

If Ben Roethlisberger used any more force to get sex, he'd be a Jedi.

-Alex Collins

I saw a homeless person consulting a real estate firm. He told me he was thinking outside the box.

-The NTC

A parent's death hits the youngest child hardest; surely it's no different for Michael Jackson's. That could be a Blanket statement though.

-@WiseguyPictures (@WiseguyPictures)

I can't believe they're banning Four Loko for everyone. They should just ban it for people under 21.

-Kevin Corrigan (@KevinCorrigan)

I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn't go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.

-Kyle H

Give a fish a fish, and you introduce the concept of slavery to an entire species. Teach a fish to fish, and you make him a mythical, nightmarish murderer feared by his own kind. So maybe just stay away from fish, okay?

-Judd Havinger

Click here to submit your own 105%.
...]]> /article/6339812 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6339812/105-issue-one-hundred-and-forty-one 105%: Issue One Hundred and Forty One Fri, 12 Nov 2010 12:15:39 -0500

Live from the internet, it's 105%!

I saw a really old picture of a guy working out. He was quite sepia toned.

-Matt Powers

Some things are better left unsaid. Like cliches.

-Andrew Hastings (@AndrewHastings)

I park in handicapped spots, which I think is fine because I'm morally handicapped.

-Lev Novak

Don't cry over spilled milk, unless your friend is drowning in it.

-Caldwell Tanner (@Caldy)

In Australia, when playing chess, they have to say "checkmate" and "checkmatemate" to avoid confusion.

-The NTC

Is it still considered manslaughter if it's a woman? And if it's on purpose?

-Sarah Hubschman

Music to My Fears

I'm a classically trained pianist. Whenever I made a mistake, my father beat me with "War and Peace."

-Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures)

My best friend and I once got into an argument, where he told me that I never listen and only hear what I want to hear. Then he retracted it and complemented me on the size of my penis.

-Simon Hall

Click here to submit your own 105%.
...]]>

In like a lion, out like a slightly more warm lion.

The only Internet joke article with both tiger blood and Adonis DNA

Eat your lousy chocolate-filled heart out

Black Guy's Twitter Update When He Walks Into A Store

Stereotypes

LOLscar Nominated

If you can read this, keep on doing so.

Automatic flush toilets

The moment you know your girlfriend's too big

Your New Year's resolution

Buzz Lightyear settles down

As leaked by Julian Assange

Did You Know?

Now That's What I Call One-Liners! 142

Regrets

Live from the internet, it's 105%!

Music to My Fears