CollegeHumor: Emilia http://www.collegehumor.com/user/3823079 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/6187062 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6187062/dream-job Dream Job* Tue, 22 Jun 2010 22:59:19 -0400 At An Interview

A man in a suit sits at desk with a city view. He is wearing a yellow silk tie, probably called “poupon” or some rich sounding color.  


Interviewer: What can you bring to the company?

Me: I will let my resume speak for itself.

Interviewer: How about you speak for yourself.
...]]> /article/6008422 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6008422/athletic-tendencies Athletic Tendencies Tue, 30 Mar 2010 23:22:38 -0400 Sports define champions. They also define characteristics, such as,


Hockey Player Ugly

Unfortunate looking hockey players reach a whole new level of ugly, hence the term: hockey player ugly. Crooked teeth, giant chins, lazy eyes, scars, fetus style foreheads, mullet like hair, all attributes that combine to create profound ugliness. Such deformities may be evident at birth, but for scientific reasons are accentuated by skating with a stick.

Football Player Dumb
...]]> /article/5920940 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5920940/hook-up-hierarchy Hook Up Hierarchy Sat, 06 Feb 2010 18:51:24 -0500

Hook ups can range from something to do on a Saturday night to life altering greatness. Here is the hook up hierarchy, Level 1 being the highest.


Level 5: Hooking Up With An Ex
...]]> /article/5798395 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5798395/first-day-on-set-the-sisterhood-of-the-travelling-pants First Day On Set: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants Thu, 26 Nov 2009 23:16:51 -0500   Director: Welcome to the Travelling Pants shoot. The movie revolves around sisterhood, travelling, and pants



Blake Lively: Sounds good



Alexis Bledel: murururrmermrurmdooofsdhaa            

...]]> /article/5464160 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5464160/the-game The Game Sun, 16 Aug 2009 15:04:58 -0400  Girls like to play games when all you want is poon. Bad. Coital games are similar to ones you played as a child. Read below to see what type of game she is playing so you can beat her (at her own game). Every healthy relationship has a winner.



Monopoly

If a girl puts pressure on you to buy property, take chances, and pay jewelry tax, she is playing Monopoly. She will monopolize your free time while simultaneously trying to land something better. Beauty contests and bank errors aside, her only true loves are money and free parking. Spare yourself the jail time and waterworks by letting her know you're not her Mr. Moneybags.
...]]> /article/5312927 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5312927/disenfranchised-pieces Disenfranchised Pieces Mon, 27 Jul 2009 02:29:09 -0400 Cora: Aaawww shiaza labeouf…what did I do last night?!!


Lauren: I'm so glad you called, you disappeared.


Cora: So drunk dude. I must have slept with fifty thousand people. Jagger: Shame spiral central. I either blackout, sleep with fifty thousand randoms, or eat a smorgasbord of Fritos. Yaaaah, insane night.
...]]> /article/5291185 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5291185/a-sentimental-moment-leads-to-a-stupid-conclusion A Sentimental Moment Leads to A Stupid Conclusion Tue, 21 Jul 2009 22:45:22 -0400 I am sitting in a cafe. You walk in. "Hello, you must be Natasha." I am not. You have a fit body suggestive of physical activity. Swimming? Rugby? Tae Boe? Whatever it is, it's working. You are excited to be meeting "Natasha" so I accept this transference, her loss is my game.

 "I am whoever you want me to be." You sit down. I stare into your eyes, your beautiful round biceps. The red polo you are wearing insinuates casual yet confident.  We make small talk; weather, movies, Conan O'Brien. The conversation is slow, non sequitur, but incredibly accepting.  
...]]> /article/5280205 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5280205/vegas-baby Vegas Baby Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:46:01 -0400 Despite awesome movies like The Hangover and shitty movies like Whatever Happens in Vegas, I have no inclination to go to Vegas.  Too many times someone says "Let's all go to Vegas…there is some sweet deal…blah blah blah." To which I have no response but a stern "fuck no."

Vegas is never a "deal." A deal is wings on Tuesdays and 45 cents off detergent. Yet some unimaginative asshole always suggests a trip to Vegas because "seriously guys, we need this, it will be so awesome". Vegas is cliché and painfully uncreative. Most people our age dislike paying for toilet paper, let a lone a twenty dollar buy in for a game of black jack. 

So, yes, I do want to go to Vegas, but no, I'm not Jay Z so I won't be spending dollars on slots or roller coaster hotel rooms. I would just as rather drink a bottle of 10 dollar wine, go somewhere local, meet people, and after many half hearted attempts to mingle with the opposite sex, settle for a slice of pizza amongst friends. 

Besides, Amsterdam is pretty cheap this time of year, heard that place is maaaad fun.


...]]> /article/4048709 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4048709/not-your-fathers-star-trek Not Your Father's Star Trek Mon, 01 Jun 2009 04:00:50 -0400  

This is not your father's Star Trek. This is not your cousins Star Trek. This is not Anthony Hopkins's Star Trek. Who is Anthony Hopkins? Ask your father, he'll know. However, he does not know Star Trek. Just like he doesn't know about technology or what's fun or Star Trek."Hey Pops! Who directed the new Star Trek?" "New Star Trek, I'm lost" is not a J.J Abrams pun, your Dad is legitimately lost on his way to a garage sale or a colonoscopy or a Star Trek convention.
...]]> /article/4036654 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4036654/mastercard-retracts-priceless-slogan MasterCard Retracts "Priceless" Slogan Thu, 21 May 2009 01:58:18 -0400
Due to complaints and misunderstandings, MasterCard will no longer be using "priceless" as a campaign slogan.  It has come to our attention that the word "priceless" was taken literally. This is official notification that nothing bought with a MasterCard is priceless. To clarify: you must pay for everything you purchase.


This card does not grant wishes, dreams, or grants. It is temporary lending of money, nothing more. MasterCard accepts no responsibility for the unreasonable amounts of spending done by a confused and/or an extremely over confident American public.


...]]> /article/4026932 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4026932/sorority-newsletter Sorority Newsletter Wed, 13 May 2009 01:34:00 -0400 Sup Sluts, 


The opinions listed below are offish and considered facts. Results were achieved by consensus, debate, analysis, a popular vote and random sampling of ice cream. So learn it, live it, luv it:



Best School Subjects

Anything media or health related. All of us have aspirations to work in marketing, advertising or modeling, so courses in media relations and being fit are always good. The tests are easy so don't feel guilty about not writing them (See Christine about where to get a dr's note.)
...]]> /article/4023529 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4023529/facebook-album-names-translated Facebook Album Names Translated Sun, 10 May 2009 19:54:38 -0400

  Rollover to reveal. Or remain seated to reveal, no diff.



Randomness

Same old shit



Graduation

Unemployed



Some of my art

Unemployed


Welcome to the Good Life

I swear I'm cool  


...]]> /article/3998808 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3998808/sex-moves-have-them-crawling-back-for-more Sex Moves: Have Them Crawling Back For More Fri, 24 Apr 2009 19:26:31 -0400 1.) Blindfold partner

2.) Straddle and hand cuff them to bed. Kiss them slowly.

3.) Break their legs with an aluminum bat

]]> /article/3997400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3997400/asshole-vs-loser Asshole vs. Loser Thu, 23 Apr 2009 21:59:01 -0400   Spencer Pratt of The Hills is not an asshole. He is a loser. There is a difference.



Most guys don't watch The Hills. Some guys watch every episode (not that there's anything wrong with that). Either way, chances are you have rudimentary knowledge of The Hills. Comments are predominantly:



Typical Girl: Spencer is such an asshole.


/article/3992374 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3992374/a-gross-woman-sings A Gross Woman Sings Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:40:00 -0400  

Susan Boyle has never been kissed, is 47 and unemployed. And one more thing…she can sing. That was not a typo. If you have not watched the video yet, you will. Your original reaction will be "wow, she is ugly".  Not normal ugly, like seriously heinous looking. But just watch it. It has 25 million views on Youtube. It just got another 10 million while I typed that sentence.  


/article/3985754 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3985754/an-intramural-hockey-player-writes-a-self-help-book An Intramural Hockey Player Writes A Self Help Book Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:46:57 -0400  Hey there, this book is about how to get motivated. How to dominate.  How to run shit.



Perhaps you are from Arkansas and don't give a shit about hockey. Riddle me this: Do you give a shit about banging broads? Then you care about [intramural] hockey.  



Everyone needs help hustling. Perhaps you are tired from circuit training. If you're a broad maybe you just got your period or something. I don't know. No worries, I'm here to help. Here are some lessons:


...]]> /article/3980295 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3980295/television-exec-memo Television Exec Memo Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:26:37 -0400  It's television pitch season people.  Here are shows currently in production. Get excited:

Adventure LAN:  Let's Get This LAN Party Started!! Similar to Laguna Beach but about the Local Area Network party scene.  So much real and virtual drama.  Status obsessed gamers vie for top spots in the hand eye coordination hierarchy.  Live footage and epic montages of this adrenaline filled sexless subculture. Sponsored by Mountain Dew and pizza.
...]]> /article/3969734 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3969734/bizzaro-college-guy Bizzaro College Guy Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:13:02 -0400  To kill time during a class break, Alex starts a conversation with a class mate.

Alex:  I am not prepared for this exam. I didn't even buy the textbooks.


BCG: No way, how could you not buy the textbooks! They were only $145.00 each. Practically a steal considering the bookstore will buy them back for a fair price. Textbooks have got to be one of the best investments you can make, other than the crazy delicious mad cheap meal plan.
...]]> /article/3963532 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3963532/personality-test Personality Test Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:23:26 -0400 Read the following personality profiles to see which test best suits you: 



MCAT: You love long term relationships and consider four years just the beginning of something. Human contact is so infrequent that going to a party causes an asthma attack. You live at home.  Libraries are your Mecca. Emotional intelligence is that of a robot, yet you have the capacity to feel contempt.


...]]> /article/3962424 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3962424/mating-call-for-a-flightless-bird Mating Call for a Flightless Bird Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:18:37 -0400 Vampires, so hot right now. "Come get me, let's do this vampires, what are you waiting for, take me to an underworld of flesh eating intercourse, I dare you!" is one way to get fanged. However, here are some better ways to get ANY Vampire to sleep with you: 


Bathe in Blood: Hygiene is important when trying to woo anyone of the opposite species. Steel blood from a local blood bank or slaughter a pig. Be straight up Carrie and drench yourself head to toe in blood. Best followed by a towel dry. Avoid being near water, you want to be bitten by a Vampire, not a shark.
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