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...]]> /article/4052875 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4052875/your-last-meal-a-few-substitutions Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:21:11 -0400

We received the requested menu for your last meal, prior to your execution next week. Unfortunately, for the reasons listed below, some of the items you chose were problematic. Of course, as these are the last foods you will taste before you leave this earth, we have made every effort, within reason, to ensure everything is to your liking.

For an appetizer, you requested…that we blow ourselves. We're not sure if you quite understood the question because that's not a food per se…regardless, our kitchen staff has decided to offer you chicken soup as a starter.

Under entrée #1, you wrote, "My big, stanky-assed black dick." Again, not a food. Ruling out the possibility that you actually wanted to eat your own genitalia, we've deduced that your intention is to metaphorically communicate your desire for us to eat it. Or at least, suck it. A realization that left us quite uncomfortable and no closer to determining an entrée for you. So we're going to make an ironic judgement call and give you some kielbasa. Please let us know if you'd like saurkraut with that at least 24 hours prior to when your meal is served.

Under entrée #2, you requested that we set up a "crazy-assed Benihana-style grill." While we appreciate you refocusing your requests to edible items, and agree that this would in fact be a "fun-assed way to go out," unfortunately, none of the prison staff are trained in the art of Teppanyaki-style cuisine. But you know what else is Japanese? Those little styrofoam cups of Ramen noodles, which we will gladly provide for you.
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