I always stand around and wait for someone. Not because I have plans or anything, I just read where people are on Facebook and then I stand around and wait for them. I don't even want to, like, join them, I just want to say "hi." This doesn't mean that I don't have any friends to hang out with, or to make my own plans with. I guess it's because I'm a people-pleaser and I know that nothing makes me happier than when people say "hi" to me, so I like to go out of my way to make people feel the same way. Sue me.

2nd time: I fell asleep because I went to the midnight screening. I have to see it a second time to make sure I understood the whole movie and didn't miss something.

3rd time: I can't really be sure that there isn't some after-credits scene unless I've stayed in the theater until after the credits. I have to see it a third time.

...]]> /article/6683159 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6683159/6-levels-of-participation-at-a-concert Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:31:30 -0500 Level 1 The Service Novice
Description: You can't get service at the bar. You even walked down here before the concert started just to be sure to get serviced before the concert started, but by now the band has already played three of their greatest hits, and they really only have two hits. The only thing you are going to walk away with from this bar is a potential idea that is going to revolutionize the way that people wait in line for stuff. You should really pay attention to the word "potential".
...]]> /article/6543894 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6543894/great-toast-recipes-using-nothing-but-toast Wed, 22 Jun 2011 16:57:52 -0400

1. Toast two pieces of toast and carve out a glass and a knife.
2. Bring them to a dinner party in an inner pocket
3. Use your REAL knife and glass to get everyone's attention.
4. Stand up and pull out your toast knife and toast glass while you say "I'd like to make a TOAST!". # Emphasize the word toast.
5. Receive laughs
6. Explain to those that aren't laughing that it is a popular European dinner party joke
7. Go to toilet later and eat toast glass and toast knife as a snack

...]]> /article/6258828 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6258828/im-really-close-with-my-rich-uncle Thu, 12 Aug 2010 13:58:00 -0400

...]]> /article/5971494 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5971494/social-internet-norms Mon, 08 Mar 2010 10:34:45 -0500

• First rule of Myspace is, no one talks about Myspace. Ever. Unless the conversation goes:

      "Hey, do you remember Myspace?"

      "No."

...]]> /article/5949516 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5949516/if-curling-was-invented-today Thu, 25 Feb 2010 12:47:47 -0500

Scotland, 2010. Two guys are walking around a frozen lake.

Calum: I'm telling you. Celtic is definitely the best team there is.

Ewan: No way. Rangers is the best team.

Calum: Alright, let's make a bet then. If I can throw this rock closer to that duck house in the middle of the lake, then you will agree to the fact that Celtic is the best team, and if you throw it closer than I will agree to the fact that Rangers is the best team.

Ewan: Deal. I'll throw first.

Ewan throws a rock that is pretty close to the duck house. Ewan breaks of a branch on a tree and uses it to test if the ice is solid enough before going out to his stone.
...]]> /article/5910171 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5910171/4-other-revolutionizing-products-from-apple Fri, 29 Jan 2010 07:14:11 -0500

iSteam

Steve Jobs said: Tired of using hand-powered machines, and are you interested in quickening the pace on your factory. Then the iSteam is just the thing you need. This revolutionary product from Apple can be used in all factories to run by itself, so that you don't have to use your own power. With room for one piece of coal at a time, this thing will still need people to fuel it 24/7, so you will still get to work your employees to near-death. Speaking of near-death work, the iSteam also comes with exciting applications like the Labour application. The Labour application lets you calculate how to get the most out of your workers while paying them minimum wage or below, driving your employees to poverty and starvation, while you have all the benefits. Work will never be better, with the iSteam!
...]]> /article/5862694 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5862694/5-expressions-of-love-through-life Wed, 06 Jan 2010 17:53:39 -0500

Early Life:

Katie's Mom: Katie, som kid handed me this while I was outside. He said it was for you and that it was ugent, and then he ran away again. Here you go.

Katie: Who was it?

Katie's Mom: That kid from down the street, but he said it wasn't from him, it was from "his friend". He was very specific about the quotation marks by the way.
...]]> /article/5825112 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5825112/harry-potter-comes-home-after-a-hard-day-at-work Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:17:44 -0500

Harry Potter: Hey Honey, I'm home!


Ginny Weasley: Hi Honey, tough day at work?


HP: You bet, but nothing a few expelliarmus spells couldn't fix.
...]]> /article/5812618 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5812618/5-types-of-roadtrip-companions Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:52:48 -0500 The Driver:

This guy is often the owner of the car, because no one else but him is ever allowed to drive his sweet Toyota. Typically this guy is going to be more excited about the destination than the actual road trip because that means that everyone will be out of his car, and in a place that is not his car. He won't be able to participate in the trip because he is to busy driving his car and making sure that his car gets to the destination safe and sound. It's best just to leave him alone and let him do his thing.
...]]> /article/5783951 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5783951/historical-magic-8-ball-answers Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:32:42 -0500

Charles Darwin:

Albert Einstein:

...]]> /article/5781515 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5781515/lame-classic-movie-jokes Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:46:23 -0500

...]]> /article/5696030 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5696030/a-guy-watching-a-movie-with-a-girl-who-isnt-interested-in-watching-a-movie Fri, 09 Oct 2009 09:29:45 -0400 Guy: So what do you want to watch?

Girl: Can't you just choose something because I don't really care about it, at all. Like, It's totally the same to me, no matter what movie you put on.
...]]> /article/5595898 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5595898/the-dreams-and-reality-of-a-foreign-exchange-student Mon, 07 Sep 2009 15:39:17 -0400 Dream: You can go up to any girl and tell her you are French, and no matter what your native language is she will believe you, and she will sleep with you.


Reality: The first girl you walk up to will always be the girl majoring in French, and the rest of your time here you will be known as the-creepy-European-dude-who-is-definitely-not-French. It is not a very clever nickname but it will be yours nonetheless.
...]]> /article/5572658 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5572658/now-that-marvel-is-disney Tue, 01 Sep 2009 08:16:31 -0400 Now that Disney have taken over Marvel they decided to change a couple of things in the Marvel universe to sort of mark their new territory:

...]]> /article/5465013 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5465013/behind-the-scenes-of-bob-dylans-arrest Mon, 17 Aug 2009 10:12:36 -0400 Long Branch Police Department received a phonecall from a worried neighbor who had spotted a man peering in the window of ahouse for sale. Officer Buble and Officer Meyers were the first ones to arrive.


Officer Buble: Excuse me, sir. Could you please tell me what you are doing here?


Bob Dylan turns around.


...]]> /article/5436147 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5436147/realistic-batman Fri, 07 Aug 2009 11:01:04 -0400

Bruce Wayne walks into the kitchen of Wayne Manor.

Alfred: Good afternoon Master Wayne. I was making you breakfast, but then I noticed what the time was and upgraded it to a brunch.

Bruce: Brunch? What time is it?

Alfred: 1 p.m. sir.

Bruce: 1 p.m.! Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!

Alfred: Something wrong sir?

Bruce: I was supposed to meet Gordon down at the docks at 11 a.m. to stop some thugs from shipping in drugs. Why didn't you wake me earlier?

Alfred: I'm sorry sir, but you haven't told me you had plans.

The phone rings.

Bruce: That's him now. He picks up the phone. This is the batman.

Gordon: Where the fuck are you? You were supposed to meet me 2 hours ago!

Bruce: I was? Today? I thought we said Sunday?

Gordon: No, we said Wednesday, how could you have misheard that as Sunday?

Bruce: Oh I see the problem. I'm looking at the calendar right now and it says that it is Friday today. Someone must have messed with it. I think Alfred is behind it, I swear sometimes he forgets his own name. I should probably let him go, but he has been with our family for so long, you know? Anyways, we'll catch them another time, I'm sure. Keep your chin up.

Gordon: There won't be a nex-

Bruce: Oops. Tunnel up ahead, got to go. Bye.

He hangs up the phone.

Bruce: Phew, Dodged a bullet there.
...]]> /article/4069729 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4069729/how-alarm-clocks-really-work Thu, 18 Jun 2009 07:24:24 -0400 Mon-Fri

6:59 A.M.

Yawn It is time to do my thing. This sounds like a boring morning; he is only breathing lightly, so no chance of startling him to wake. I shou...]]> /article/4061239 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4061239/what-time-is-it Thu, 11 Jun 2009 14:19:21 -0400 INT. DAY, AN OFFICE SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK

...]]>