CollegeHumor: Matt Hevia http://www.collegehumor.com/user/6049497 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/6278397 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6278397/starting-pitchers-from-the-all-douche-team Starting Pitchers From The All-Douche Team Fri, 03 Sep 2010 19:32:15 -0400  I've compiled The 5 Starters I'd draft If I had to put together an all-douche pitching rotation.  Here they are.





5- Scott Olsen

Scott Olsen is a giant dick, and not even a great pitcher.  His ability to be a tremendous ass earned him a spot on this list.  Scott has spent most of his career getting beaten up and yelled at by his own teammates and coaches (Randy Messenger, Sergio Mitre, Joe Girardi, and Miguel Cabrera).  Olsen lives life as if you just hit reset on his Super Nintendo right before he beat Donkey Kong.  He's consistently annoying, and people always want to smash his face into a fine powder- like substance.  For me though, the most entertaining Scott Olsen incident came when he fled police that were trying to pull him over, only to wait for them on his porch and wind up get tasered after trying to fight them.
...]]> /article/6278396 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6278396/starting-pitchers-from-the-all-douche-team Starting Pitchers From The All-Douche Team Fri, 03 Sep 2010 19:31:20 -0400  I've compiled The 5 Starters I'd draft If I had to put together an all-douche pitching rotation.  Here they are.





5- Scott Olsen

Scott Olsen is a giant dick, and not even a great pitcher.  His ability to be a tremendous ass earned him a spot on this list.  Scott has spent most of his career getting beaten up and yelled at by his own teammates and coaches (Randy Messenger, Sergio Mitre, Joe Girardi, and Miguel Cabrera).  Olsen lives life as if you just hit reset on his Super Nintendo right before he beat Donkey Kong.  He's consistently annoying, and people always want to smash his face into a fine powder- like substance.  For me though, the most entertaining Scott Olsen incident came when he fled police that were trying to pull him over, only to wait for them on his porch and wind up get tasered after trying to fight them.
...]]> /article/6267387 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6267387/how-to-write-a-taylor-swift-song How To Write A Taylor Swift Song Sun, 22 Aug 2010 17:01:28 -0400 Step 1- Make sure you set the scene.  You're from the country, you're doing something that's very country, and everyone is going to know about it.

Step 2- Pick a guy (or girl) that you'd love to hold hands with, and describe him ad nauseum.  In addition, describe moments that the two of you have had together, regardless of whether or not he knew you were having them....]]> /article/6257897 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6257897/bo-knowshow-to-let-his-girlfriend-get-rocked-with-a-baseball Bo Knows...How To Let His Girlfriend Get Rocked With A Baseball Wed, 11 Aug 2010 12:34:25 -0400 This guy Bo was at the Houston Astro's game on Tuesday.  He was taking his lady to a game, looking like a douchebag with his sideways "Zoo York" hat on. Here's what a convo with Bo probably sounds like.


Bro #1- Nice Zoo York hat, you don't even own a skateboard


Bo- Bro, I'm a skater. 


Bo's GF- You're not a skater Bo, you play the piano, and read Jodie Piccoult. 
...]]> /article/6227859 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6227859/life-after-the-hundred-acre-woods Life After The Hundred Acre Woods Wed, 21 Jul 2010 11:27:25 -0400







Christopher Robin- Christopher was routinely beaten in school for wearing short shorts, and talking to stuffed animals.  He tried to explain to his fellow classmates that he was part of a "Nair for Kids: Who where'...]]> /article/6225135 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6225135/life-after-the-hundred-acre-woods Life After The Hundred Acre Woods Sun, 18 Jul 2010 15:02:21 -0400









Christopher Robin- Christopher was routinel...]]> /article/6104878 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6104878/5-annoying-people-that-surface-on-everyones-facebook 5 annoying people that surface on everyone's Facebook. Thu, 27 May 2010 14:26:41 -0400 The Townie-  This individual is generally one of the dumbest, yet most vocal people on Facebook.  They tried community college, but figured they'd get more life experience working at their dad's bagel store…you know, in the real world.  They only love blue collar jobs, and will often put up status's about America.  That being said, they are inherently racist, and usually say things like "Love it or leave it (racial slur here)", or, "I can't believe my tax dollaz is being spent so these (people of a different color, race, or creed than them) can live in my town."  They often marry young, bitch about their spouse, have children, and bitch about them as well.  Usually the complaining will have to do with not having dinner ready on time, or that a certain someone got drunk for the fourth day in a row instead of building their baby's crib   When angst has subsided, they announce their love for their ball and chain or child in every status.  Finally they like to pluralize words at unncessary times.  "You's guys know what I'm sayin'?"

 

The person who was a giant anti-authority maniac in High School, but found God and is now a staunch Conservative-  This is another special individual you will find on Facebook.  He or she is usually supported by the townie, and although they claim to love politics, they have no grasp on any issues, and have serious trouble with grammar, which will surely hinder their bid for town mayor in 2035.  This is the 21-24 year old that likes to rant about kids these days, and how we need to get back to the times when hard work (slavery) was the American way.  Oh, and yeah, you remembered right, the last time you saw this kid was high school when he was drinking a 40, smoking a blunt, and giving the finger to a cop.

 

The person who talks to lifeless things, like days of the week, or classes in school- 

 

Dear Math,

Please stop failing me.  Thank you.

Love,

Dave

 

These people are unbelievable.  I don't know if it's supposed to be cute or endearing, but I do know one thing, it sucks.  Sometimes I think about how great it would be to make a Facebook for days of the week, or classes, so these people could receive answers from the defensless pieces of our civilization that they crap on or make annoying.  It'd go like this.

 

Dear Friday,

Please come soon, I need you!

Love,

Stephanie

….

Dear Stephanie,

Calm your ass down it's only tuesday.  You're annoying the shit out of people with your formal letters to me.

Seriously Calm Down,

Friday

 

The person who only puts up statuses about drinking or working out-

"At the gym getting ripped.  Get ready to fall in love ladies"

 

...]]> /article/6069990 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6069990/the-sassy-arm-triangle-of-insecurity-a-facebook-epidemic The Sassy Arm Triangle of Insecurity: A Facebook Epidemic Wed, 12 May 2010 17:07:47 -0400 You're out with your girls, and you're having a great time.  

Now, lets be honest, what's a night out if there aren't at least 55-90 new pictures of you and the same three girls, posing like you've just been asked to recreate a Spice Girls poster from 1997?  

Any excuse to make a new facebook photo album with a catchy line from a top 40 song. 

(Insert your name here) has been tagged in <33ThE PaRtY DoNt StArT TiLl I WaLk In<33. 

You know those albums, I can feel you nodding at your screen.  

The girls get together, screaming, spilling drinks with sour mix in them, and announcing how much they love "their bitchez", and then it happens.  The two girls in the middle tuck their arms behind the girls next to them so that they're completely hidden from view. And the other girls, oh the other girls, they bust out "The Sassy Arm Triangle of Insecurity".  The hand is on the hip, the elbow is at a 90 degree angle, and it looks like the girl is either airing out her arm pits, ripe from dancing to all that Ke$ha, or trying her best to dislocate her shoulder.  

I noticed this move a couple of years back, and initially I was like "Damn that girl is sassy as shit, she must listen to a lot of Beyonce, or love the way mannequin's look in clothes."  So, whatever, I asked around, and what I found out was not only startling, but also borderline retarded."

Me: "What the hell is going on with your arm in this picture?"

Girl: "Oh, all girls do that so that their arm wont look fat in pictures."

Some girls will also say "It's like, what Snooki does!"  I don't have time to get into that right now though.

Ok, so now that you've either had a good cry, or dumped your girlfriend because you realize she does this, let's break down the term Sassy Arm Triangle of Insecurity.

Here we go.

A girl screams " PICTURRRREEEE"

The girl using TSATI (the T is silent, this is pronounced Sah-Tee) poses with her hand on her hip, and her elbow at an angle between 45 and 90 degrees (varies depending on how much insecurity is present)

The arm and side of the torso create a triangle

A sassy look is given, one that screams, "I'm sexy!…I think."

What is supposed to be her sassy look turns out being a fear of arm fat.

BOOM.

So that's it ladies, the charade is over, everyone knows why you pose this way in pictures now.  That being said, here are some bullet points I've come up with regarding TSATI.  Take heed, you'll be a better person in the end by doing so.

-  Becoming a contortionist will not increase or decrease the size of your arm.  If your arm is fat, it's just fat.  

-  I have a head the size of three infants glued together, so you know what I DON'T do? Draw attention to it.  You will never see me place my head as close to the camera as I can, or bedazzle it to downplay how big it is.  That being said, jutting your arm out in pictures like it is your siamese twin with a cleft lip doesn't help anything.  It's not a slick move, it'd probably be more incognito to color your arm in with a highlighter, or point to it with your free hand.

- When I think about women with hands on hips, I think about angry mom's giving lectures, like "I wouldn't be mad about the 45 on your math test if I knew you gave it your all and that was the best you could do!" (sadly, at times, that really was the best I could do.) Is that the image you're going for?

- If you claim the hand on hip look is just mirroring the poses of various female celebrities, I'm here to help.  Just because you went out to McFadden's for your girls 22nd birthday, and all wore heels at the same time, that doesn't mean that you have magically obtained wealth, social status, or super powers.  You are not a celebrity, and in all likelihood, you will not retire to your mansion at the end of the night.  if you're lucky, you'll make out with someone in the back of a cab, have some pizza, fall asleep with one high heel on, and wake up with a slice of pepperoni stuck to your face.  Bottom line: Just take a normal fucking picture.

 

So there it is, ladies.  I called you out, but it was for your own good.  If you've read this and want to help tackle this issue, you can send me money at www.mattisthemanandmakesvalidpoints.com.


...]]> /article/6069625 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6069625/twitter-historical-figure-edition Twitter: Historical Figure Edition Wed, 12 May 2010 12:42:00 -0400 Ever wonder what famous dead historical figures would say if they had a Twitter?  Well I’m here to tell you!

 

Today’s entry: Helen Keller

 

HellzKellz666 sadfklja asdkjasklsd lbjukj sjkdaks dkalk dj ajkdskda?jks

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