-You do not absolutely have to play this song for your friend.

-No matter when you look at your watch, it is not time for a Snack Attack.

-You are certain the person sitting next to you is not a cop.

-You have ambitions to score the assistant manager job at Del Taco.

-You have no urge to buy clean uri...]]> /article/6181452 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6181452/hot-entertainment-job-listings Thu, 17 Jun 2010 20:38:41 -0400 New Media Upstart Company seeks Assistant who can figure out this gosh-darn Internet. 



TVFeeder is a hot young production company designed to distribute high quality shows virally. We are looking for an assistant who can tell us just what this Internet hooplah is all about.  The assistant will deliver our emails to other computers and take us to the Worldwide Website.  If all goes well, we will buy more Internet as the company expands.  Can we use the phone at the same time?  Let’s take America Online by storm!  See you in the chatrooms!

Studio Exec seeks Intern to vicariously live as his son. 
...]]> /article/6181250 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6181250/holy-smokes-a-review-of-gods-new-restaurant Thu, 17 Jun 2010 17:18:47 -0400 Very few people believe in God nowadays, so you can imagine my thrill at the prospect trying out his new restaurant. The grand re-opening of God’s family-friendly rotisserie diner, Holy Smokes, is His newest endeavor and latest foray into the culinary theater.  As a human, and thus, one of the Chef’s previous creations, I was anxious to scope out the hip new eatery.  Unfortunately, style certainly trumps substance, and my appetite originally wet with anticipation, was left as dry as the Egyptian Desert the diner was built on.

We’re all familiar with the origin story of Holy Smokes; by this point, the tale has grown to biblical proportions.  After their liberation from bondage in Egypt, the Jewish people wandered a sprawling desert for forty years.  With starvation looming and hope fading fast, God sustained the Chosen people by causing manah—a gushy bread-like— substance to fall from the sky.  Before long, the Jews tired of the tedium of eating manah day in and day out, beseeched unto Him: “Oh Lord, Creator of all things, please bequeath upon us some friggin variety.”  Lightning struck and the desert rained mesquite barbeque chicken—pre-dead and glazed—over the Jews for forty days and forty nights with Happy Hour from 5-7pm Monday through Friday.  Rabbi Akibah took one bite and proposed that God set up a restaurant where families might convene and supplicate praise onto his Name while enjoying shrimp-avacado tacos and hanger steak fresh off the grill.  God consented, for He favored any method to provide monotheists with His rich, one-of-a-kind taste.  Plus, the restaurant would prove to be a staunch competitor to Satan’s burgeoning empire known as Applebee’s.  The rest, as they say, is unsubstantiated yet devoutly followed history.
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