CollegeHumor: Dan Abromowitz http://www.collegehumor.com/user/6333812 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/6558193 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6558193/say-no-to-handjobs Say NO To Handjobs Tue, 05 Jul 2011 16:46:44 -0400 The philosophers tell us that everyone has, at some point in their life, given or received a handjob*. Science bears this out. Thing is, though, that handjobs just aren't that great. Nobody really likes giving them, and, save for a pretty good half-second towards the end, nobody really likes receiving them. If you think otherwise, you are fooling yourself. At their core, they are fundamentally flawed: Someone else is just never going to be able to do you as well as you can do yourself**.

So thank your partner kindly, zip up your fly, and say no to handjobs. Here's why:

  • Handjobs are juvenile, fumbling, and furtive. They are the sex act that people use to make fun of middle schoolers. If your spouse catches you having sex with someone else, he or she will be horrified. If your spouse catches you getting a handjob from someone else, he or she will humiliate you relentlessly, and rightfully so: It is barely one notch above being caught having sex dressed as Mr. Met. Just say no.
  • Handjobs require no skill or finesse beyond the most basic motor skills. They are what you do when you've got no idea what's going on down there. You could probably get a perfectly adequate one from a dolphin, an animal with no hands to speak of. Handjobs are like when your friend comes over to play Street Fighter even though he has no idea how to play Street Fighter, so he just mashes on the buttons and does uppercuts over and over. More often than not, he'll actually end up winning, but neither of you will feel very good about it. Just say no.
  • Handjobs are non-committal. There is nothing intimate or engaging about them. Someone could be giving you a handjob at the same time that they're reading a book, doing one-handed push-ups, or choking a someone to death. If that someone is you, please, know your limits, make sure your partner is CPR certified, and have a spotter on hand, preferably a trained EMT. Asphyxiation during sex acts is very dangerous if improperly done, even with a partner present. Just say no.
  • Handjobs indicate that something's terribly wrong. If you've stumbled back to someone's dorm at two AM, and you've taken more shots than you had hours of sleep the night before, and you're giving or getting a handjob, that's when you stop and ask yourself, Talking Heads style, "Is this where I want to be? Is this the person I would like to be with?" More often than not, the answer is no. Maybe you should have Just [said] no.
  • Handjobs are discriminatory: They discriminate against people with hooks for hands. I can't think of anyone else against whom handjobs are discriminatory, but people with hooks for hands are pretty important, especially in the wake of World War I. Just say no.

"But Dan," you're screaming, spit dripping down your chin, "If not a handjob, then what?" Makin' out's not enough, but oral is too big of a step, and dry humping is a strange, terrifying ritual. The answer is obvious: armpit sex. It's adult, intimate, requires skill beyond the basics, and does not discriminate against people with hooks for hands. With armpit sex, you get all this, but with no penetration or sharing of fluids. It is the perfect compromise. Say no to handjobs. Say yes to armpit sex.

——
...]]> /article/6644051 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6644051/90s-spin-offs-for-a-new-generation 90s TV Show Spin-Offs For a New Generation Tue, 08 Nov 2011 18:16:38 -0500

]]> /article/6599352 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6599352/the-100-worst-nicknames-to-pick-up-during-orientation-week The 100 Worst Nicknames To Pick Up During Orientation Week Wed, 31 Aug 2011 16:54:27 -0400
  • Dumpy
  • Slickfinger
  • Papa Doc
  • Bad Santa
  • Chowderfoot
  • Grundle
  • Skinny
  • Bracecrotch
  • No-Toes
  • Butts
  • Statutory Steve
  • Fleaz
  • White Tyler Perry
  • Black D.W. Griffith
  • Brown M. Night Shyamalan
  • Two-Handjob Doug
  • Obamacare
  • ...]]> /article/6545739 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6545739/you-can-black-out-in-other-colors-too You Can Black Out In Other Colors, Too Thu, 23 Jun 2011 16:28:28 -0400 White:

    Brought on by: A nice glass of White Zinfandel and the new episode of How I Met Your Mother.
    Just before: "Boy, I wish I lived on the Lower East Side!"
    When you wake up: You are at the Apple keynote address, applauding emphatically for something thin.

    Red:

    Brought on by: The sight of Sarah Palin's "One Nation" bus cresting the hill of the land she loves so well.
    ...]]> /article/6550869 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6550869/unhelpful-but-accurate-graphs Unhelpful But Accurate Graphs Mon, 27 Jun 2011 18:31:09 -0400

    ...]]> /article/6534666 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6534666/venn-diagram-hbo-programming-breakdown Venn Diagram: HBO Programming Breakdown Mon, 13 Jun 2011 20:55:14 -0400 CLICK TO EXPAND

    ...]]> /article/6529628 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6529628/theres-a-perfectly-logical-explanation-for-the-anthony-weiner-pictures There's a Perfectly Logical Explanation for the Anthony Weiner Pictures Thu, 09 Jun 2011 16:14:28 -0400 "
    ":http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6529628/theres-a-perfectly-logical-explanation-for-the-anthony-weiner-pictures

    ...]]> /article/6422490 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6422490/is-it-sex Is It Sex? Wed, 09 Feb 2011 22:49:51 -0500 In today's world of sexual promiscuity, it can be hard for young people to stay chaste until marriage. As all sorts of new erotic fads continue to blur the line between virginity and virsinity, I offer this thought-provoking exercise to help you orient your moral compass (your dick) (or perhaps vagina):

    Lisa and David have been dating for six months, and for their anniversa...]]> /article/6428219 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6428219/here-comes-the-king-of-limbs Here Comes The King of Limbs Thu, 17 Feb 2011 02:46:05 -0500

    Like a cadre of British Trent Reznors, the winsome foursome Radiohead revealed on Valentine's Day that they would be releasing a brand new album that very Saturday, February 19. Almost immediately, millions across the world flocked to the streets, singing their favorite Radiohead songs at the top of their lungs in their...]]> /article/6361635 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6361635/this-fraternity-needs-rules This Fraternity Needs Rules Wed, 08 Dec 2010 11:42:22 -0500 1. The president of the fraternity is to be referred to as “Big Hank,” regardless of whether Hank is a nickname for the president's [Christian] name, or how big he is. Big Hank is eternal.

    2. If you're playing Uno, and you get Uno, don't be all smug about it. This is hardly a game of skill.

    3. The enemy of your enemy is the greatest enemy of all, b...]]> /article/6336248 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6336248/ways-my-beard-makes-me-seem-thoughtful-and-worldly Ways My Beard Makes Me Seem Thoughtful And Worldly Mon, 08 Nov 2010 14:37:05 -0500 Sometimes I’ll soak my mustache in scotch before going out to a social event. Then, during conversation, I’ll suck on it and then make some pronouncement like, “This ten-year single-malt has an excellent bouquet.” Since nobody else wants to suck on my mustache, nobody can tell me that scotch and Scotchgard aren’t the same thing like they normally would.

    <...]]>         /article/6334494 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6334494/dan-reviews-trailers-unstoppable Dan Reviews Trailers: Unstoppable Sat, 06 Nov 2010 09:59:37 -0400 Unstoppable is nothing like the movie where the bus can't be stopped, or the movie where they can't be stopped. It is nothing like that movie where the grizzled older dude is paired up with a wet-behind-the-ears hotshot rookie who's gonna give him a heart attack if he doesn't get him killed first, and they have to set aside their differences and learn to work together to deal with a crisis. Unstoppable is nothing like any of these. In this one, it's a train what can't be stopped.

    ...]]>