A Guide to Conversations in College

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 13:21:22 -0500

Geico Questions Guy on a Blind Date

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 15:13:17 -0400

A fancy restaurant. Piano music and quiet chatter in the background.

The Geico Questions Guy and a girl are being seated at a table for two.

GIRL: Thanks so much for taking me here. I’ve wanted to try this place forever. Was it hard to get a reservation?

Angry Candidate's Concession Speech

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 00:12:11 -0400

Thanks for that great round of applause, everyone. It really makes me think this past year and a half of travelling around this godforsaken district was worth it. Even though we lost, I'm so happy I got to spend millions of dollars of my own money trying to convince you stupid people to vote for me.

When I started out on this journey, I knew the road would be difficult. As a new r...

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin Decide Who Goes First

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:21:51 -0400

Buzz Aldrin: This is so messed up. I deserve this just as much as you do.

Neil Armstrong: Look, Buzz. We've been over this. I called it fair and square during training.

Buzz: There is no way that counts. You called it when we were inside a classroom. You couldn't even see the space shuttle OR the moon. It's against the rules.

Neil: Fine…I call I get to walk on the moon first! Ha! We are both inside the shuttle, and I can see the moon through the window. You just got ARMSTRONGED!

Buzz: Come on, this moment is way too important to just call it like that. Generations to come will remember the name of the first person to walk on the moon.

Neil: Then we should go by who has the coolest name. My last name is Armstrong. Game over.

Buzz: Now, hold on. My first name is Buzz. That's pretty cool.

Neil: No, your first name is Edwin, which is super lame. Your nickname is Buzz. Anyone can come up with a cool nickname. Hell, I could start calling myself Hacksaw Armstrong and blow your nickname out of the water.

Buzz: That's ridiculous; nobody would ever call you that. The only other name people might call you is "Louis Armstrong" because they'll get confused.

Neil: Who would confuse me and Louis Armstrong? Besides the fact that we share a bad-ass last name, we are nothing alike. Give up, man. You're the clear number two.

Buzz: We should let Mission Control decide. They are in charge, after all.

Neil: OK, Houston, would you rather have me or Edwin "Buzzkill" Aldrin as the first man on the moon?

Mission Control: We want you to know that you both are great astronauts, but Neil did call it. This mission would be meaningless if we didn't uphold the tradition of "calling it." Also, he totally turned your name around on you, "Buzzkill." Classic Hacksaw!

Buzz: Damn it. Well, congratulations, Neil. Just try to come up with somethingelse to say besides "You just got Armstronged" when you first step on the moon.

Neil: Thanks, I will, Buzz. Listen, it really doesn't matter who gets to go first. Sure, I may end up being more famous, but the public certainly will always remember the names of everybody involved in this groundbreaking achievement.

Michael Collins: What about me, guys?

Neil and Buzz: Who the hell are you?
...

Pre-Fame Fall Out Boy Ask Parents for Money

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 03:31:28 -0400

Track 1. Tonka Trucks and Hugs (Parents Are Always There)

Track 2. High Expectations: I'm Sorry I Couldn't Deliver (Fired from Domino's)

Track 3. Overdue Rent, Overdue Bills And I Can't Overdo it Myself

Track 4. Payback is a Bitch But I Promise I Will

Track 5. Ostracized from the Community (College) But the Band's Going to Make It

Track 6....

Conscience Deciding Whether to Greet a Passerby

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 08:21:50 -0400

Angel: Look up ahead! That girl from your Biology discussion last semester is walking toward you. You should definitely say hi!

Devil: No, don't listen to him— you don't even remember her name do you?

Angel: It's Lauren…Lauren Walker. Just be friendly and say hi! If you remember her, she should remember you.

Devil: That's so creepy that you remember her full name. You never hung out with her outside of that discussion. She'll be sketched out if you say hi.

Angel: That doesn't make any sense. It's just the nice thing to do. Plus, you two had a lot of good talks. Before one class she asked you for the sports section of your paper, and then you guys talked about how much the football team sucked.