Thanks,
Dan

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing on behalf of Daniel's penis. I first met Daniel and his penis in the janitor's closet freshman year, and I've known them for four years since. However, it was only during this past semester, when I had the pleasure of having Daniel's penis in my Monday afternoon free period, that I really got to know them both well.

Throughout high school, other students and some faculty would often remark that Daniel's penis was blessed with incredible talent. What many of them overlooked, and what I came to appreciate, is how hard Daniel and his penis worked to develop and refine said talent. The late nights, the early mornings, the countless hours poring over books in the library—they all contributed to making Daniel's penis the penis it is today.

In my over twelve years of lovemaking, I have known only a few other penises with skill sets comparable to Daniel's. However, most of these lacked its strong work ethic and attention to detail, and even fewer demonstrated an equal level of maturity. In particular, it knows when best to take charge and when it should instead defer to others' judgment. I've never encountered another penis that works so flawlessly in both an individual and group setting.

It is bright, dedicated, respectful, and well rounded. Everyone who meets Daniel's penis is, without exception, awed by the sheer number of activities it both engages in and excels at. Also deserving mention is its extensive work in the community, work that has positively changed the lives of countless individuals.

Furthermore, I wish to impress upon you how far Daniel's penis has come. Few people know of the hardships he and his penis endured during their middle school years when one of his testicles struggled to drop and the other had problems at home. However, Daniel's penis persevered and the time since has been characterized by substantial growth and development. Daniel credits this period of adversity for helping his penis overcome weaknesses it once possessed. Now, instead of being an object of ridicule, Daniel's penis is a role model that others look up to.

Does it still have any weaknesses? Just the one, yes. It cares too much.

Fondly,
...]]> /article/6649477 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6649477/new-years-resolution-progress-updates Thu, 17 Nov 2011 03:47:22 -0500 With 2011 nearing an end, it's a good time to check back in on your New Year's Resolutions and update your progress.

THEN: "I want to lose weight and get fit!"

NOW: Well, I ordered a bunch of fitness books and home gym equipment off the web. Although it took a couple trips, I got them off the stoop and into the foyer. When we had a dinner party I carried them all down into the basement. Then rainwater leaked in and my wife had me move the boxes to the second floor. Now they're in our daughter's closet. I think. Also, I experimented with this thing where I stretched before going to bed and again first thing in the morning.