BEST PART OF JANOWITZ’S TURKEY? CERTAINLY NOT THE LEGS.

...]]> /article/68276 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68276/the-holy-grail-of-comedy Tue, 21 Feb 2006 00:00:00 -0500 I live above a fish market. Down in New York City's fabled Chinatown""on the fringe, I tell people I want to impress, or at very least, not depress""you will find countless fish markets and, on top of one of them, my apartment. And it smells. Bad. It's the type of stench that would prompt you to leave a room, or a house, except in this case the entire damn neighborhood smells that way.
...]]> /article/68277 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68277/waxing-romantic Wed, 15 Feb 2006 00:00:00 -0500 Heading into Valentine's Day, I had a pretty good idea of how I wanted to spend my evening: generally inert. To me, at the time, it seemed that the best possible course of action for a single, slightly disillusioned and supremely broke young man such as yours truly was to park myself on one of the stools at our neighborhood hipster bar and ogle the Shakira-lookalike bartender onto whom I've projected my affections. I realized that it might not be the most impressive Valentine's Day night out, and that my subsequent chances of Valentining a foxy young lady were effectively nil, but after a string of messy drinking nights and messy drinking nighttime companions – an inspired run that led observers to remark, "Aren't you getting a bit old to act like this?" and myself to reply, "Gnuhhhh banana Hamlet" before puking everywhere – all I wanted was a low-key night to steady the course of my ship.
...]]> /article/68114 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68114/getting-rocked-out Tue, 04 Oct 2005 00:00:00 -0400 When G4 asked me, a few months ago, if they could turn my column into a TV segment, I was intrigued. A number of questions immediately popped into my mind, the foremost of which was, "What in the crap is G4?" Once informed that they were in fact a television station, and one dedicated to video game culture, the situation became much more appealing. I've always felt that there is a crippling need for shows about awkward, immature post-grads on gaming-themed television, and here was my chance to fill that void.
...]]> /article/68110 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68110/fluids Tue, 04 Oct 2005 00:00:00 -0400 In a grandiose departure from normal routine, the loftmates and I headed out drinking the other night. The night was about as nondescript as a twenty-something trip to the watering hole can be, with a typical tally of female rejections, juke-box renditions of Poison and ill-advised final rounds (or five) of shots with waitresses that we thought might come home with us if we simply bought enough drinks to incapacitate our lower limbs.
...]]> /article/68102 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68102/marking-my-territory Fri, 23 Sep 2005 00:00:00 -0400 When you're a child, it's a given that you'll spill shit on yourself. A bib can be used to minimize the damage, but anything beyond that is written off as a playful accident. Eating as a newborn is nothing more than a Matrix shoot-out, during which globs of food whiz toward an infant hero making very little effort to get out of the way. Yes, you spend the first few years of your life covered in enough food to feed an island nation, and this is not only acceptable, but in many cases adorable.
...]]> /article/69234 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/69234/being-enlightened-by-george-lucas-and-one-miles-worth-of-glowing-plastic-lightsabers Wed, 18 May 2005 00:00:00 -0400 Ever-striving to be a part of all truly seminal moments in human existence, I was there last night, in Times Square, dressed in blue long johns, matching blue ski mask and my authentic 1989 Reebok Pumps, waiting patiently in a three-hour line for the 12:01 premier showing of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.

(My costume – either "blue screen technology," "space" or "a blue lightsaber blade" to speculating Star Wars dorks; "The Tooth" to any associates who know of my super hero alter-ego – was worn to outshine fellow line-waiters The British Kid, who had dressed in a flawless Jedi robe-ensemble, and Bobby, who was wearing . . . a mullet wig. The outfits inadvertently landed us an interview by an international documentary filmmaker, to whom I claimed – on camera – to be Princess Leah. It also landed me the comment, "I bet you were popular in high school," which ironically came from a 14 year old wearing a "Yoda: Justice" t-shirt and who had, in the past half hour, attacked three passers-by with his glowing lightsaber spin move.)
...]]> /article/68012 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68012/rows-by-any-other-name-would-still-hurt-like-a-bitch Wed, 04 May 2005 00:00:00 -0400 Just as with religion, genetics and the current state of pop music, I have long been mystified and intrigued by the 'cornrow' hairstyle. Somehow, and for some reason, cornrows – more so than any other 'do – have remained exclusive to African-American populations. Only in the past year or so has this trend begun to change, spearheaded by the Caucasian cornrow-ings of Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo and Posh Spice do-er David Beckham. Inspired by their efforts, I embarked on a pursuit of knowledge to better understand and document the small yet illustrious world of tremendously painful hairstyling.
...]]> /article/67073 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67073/what-kind-of-pitcher-are-you Sat, 02 Apr 2005 00:00:00 -0500 This weekend marks the beginning of baseball season, a wonderful time of year when America's oft-tainted pastime (one of the many) moves back onto the center stage of sports. Being the most warm-weather sport we have (AFC Championships. Pittsburgh. January. Monumentally numb.), the return of the baseball season also acts as an indisputable Groundhog's Day of sorts: we Northerners know that, excepting upstate New York and Wisconsin, it will be sunny and sixties within six weeks (upstate and Wisconsin enjoy a three-day window of warmth before a blistering mid-July snowstorm forces them back into their homes and Uggs.)
...]]> /article/67988 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67988/screeching-to-a-fault Wed, 30 Mar 2005 00:00:00 -0500 After a harrowing and likely traumatic experience last month, I have no choice but to once again adopt the title of 'activist.' The events of February have convinced me, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that we as a country will never be safe as long as karaoke exists.

With a name coined by the Japanese to describe the difference between a professional singer (such as Lindsay Lohan) and the average bar-going howler, karaoke has permeated our iron-clad cultural defenses and worked its way into a weekly gig at any number of local bars. Armed with midi-like instrumental tracks and binders filled with the cream of the 80s crop, the call of karaoke evokes sirens (in the Homer sense) and sirens (in the Ambulance sense); alluring and ear-piercing, all at once.
...]]> /article/69232 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/69232/its-just-juice Wed, 23 Feb 2005 00:00:00 -0500 I have a confession to make. It's not easy for me. Some of my closest friends tell me that I really don't need to make this announcement; that I can just change my ways and let the fervor subside. But I can't do that. It wouldn't be fair to you, my readers. It wouldn't be fair to the other writers out there who have been discouraged by my success. And it wouldn't be fair to me, to ask myself to continue carrying this treacherous secret. That's why I'm going to man up and take the step that so many of my contemporaries, be it because of shame, denial or fear, won't do. I'm going to admit that I used steroids. Well, actually, there: I just admitted it.
...]]> /article/67954 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67954/taking-the-free-way Wed, 09 Feb 2005 00:00:00 -0500 There are some things in life to which you just can't say "no." Shakira and the IRS come readily to mind, as do a box of Fruit Roll Ups and Shakira. A free road trip is another. Now, I know what you're thinking: no, actually, I don't know what you're thinking. But you might be thinking that there's no way, what with gas, tolls, lodging and inevitable car wreckage, that a road trip could be free. You might be thinking that spending five days on the road, rocking out, is five days I could've spent, say, at work, and thus this road trip is actually costing me those wages I'm missing out on. You might even be thinking that I'm so monumentally poor that I can't even afford "free." Or you might be thinking about reality TV. Who knows anymore.
...]]> /article/67100 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67100/your-final-semester-a-guide-to Sat, 29 Jan 2005 00:00:00 -0500 I was recently asked by my old college newspaper to write a column about how seniors should approach the final semester of their utopian college existence. Knowing that I could provide a degree of wisdom possessed only by those who have truly enjoyed a diverse post-collegiate experience, I accepted. Plus, I still get excited about writing an unpaid column for my small college newspaper. Success, clearly, is relative.
...]]> /article/67940 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67940/chivalry-is-badly-wounded Wed, 26 Jan 2005 00:00:00 -0500 If you look closely at the recent presidential election, it becomes clear that many societal needs remain unfulfilled. I'm not talking about the trivial ones, such as tolerance of others and personal accountability. Rather, according to the polls and the outcome, Americans felt that what was lacking in America were things like security. Family values. And, it would seem, debt. Because of those perceived needs, we made the decision to re-elect President Bush. That was a decision. Recently, however, it has come to my attention that there may be a group more fit than the American government, if that can be believed, to combat the fears that plague so many Americans. This organization – a knighthood, if you will – is presently spreading the gospel of chivalry throughout the world. And they're doing it with clip-art.
...]]> /article/67932 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67932/cancellation-of-second-semester-goes-unnoticed-by-inebriated-students Thu, 20 Jan 2005 00:00:00 -0500 In a move that is sure to be greeted with shock and alcohol-induced inactivity by those students most closely affected, the administration recently announced that they are canceling the second semester for all graduating seniors. The decision comes after a month-long review of past second-semester academic and hospital records revealed a startling trend:

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