Good morning! It's me, the first day of the week! And how are you this fine me? Oh…I see. I'm sorry to hear that. But did you at least have a good Saturday and Sunday? Great! Yeah, those guys are the best. We're kind of a little crew, me and them. Yup, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. The big 3!

There he goes again, off to get a Diet Snapple Lemon Iced Tea after ordering his sandwich. He must really like this deli, that guy. He's here every other day getting the same sandwich: roast beef, swiss cheese, lettuce, mayo, salt and pepper. Sounds pretty tasty. But hold up, Miguel, what about the tomato? I wouldn't want to forget to put the tomato on. Did he say anything about tomato… Yes! Yes he did. He said, "And please, Miguel, no tomato on the sandwich."

/article/6884977 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6884977/5-ads-for-legal-weed Thu, 18 Apr 2013 17:34:42 -0400 With the legalization of marijuana as a recreational substance in Colorado and Washington state, enterprising marijuana growers and sellers are ready to enter the world of legitimate business. The most important thing for a new product is advertising so let me save these budding businessmen a trip to Don Draper's office with five wonderful ads for their newly legal companies.

...]]> /picture/6877725 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6877725/pope Thu, 14 Mar 2013 18:01:23 -0400 /article/6874705 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6874705/8-highdeas-you-have-to-read-now Thu, 28 Feb 2013 14:01:45 -0500
The fact that marijuana can inspire creativity and original thought would be hard to argue against. From Bob Marley to Bell Bottoms, highdeas have changed our world mostly for the better. When I have found myself high – always by accident – I, too, have experienced rushes of creativity. My mind pours out brilliant ideas that I am careful to e-mail to myself lest they be forgotten and our world remain unchanged. Here are eight selections that I think will highlight the depth of my brilliance to all who read them.

/picture/6871112 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6871112/dude-wears-pants-under-his-pants Fri, 15 Feb 2013 11:34:13 -0500 /article/6870226 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6870226/every-fancy-restaurant-ever Tue, 12 Feb 2013 09:43:04 -0500

Hello, my name is Pretentious Waiter. I'll be the person who tries to guilt you into tipping me more all night. It's annoying that you're here. Allow me to shove this extremely large menu in your date's face first and now in yours. You'll notice that even though the menu is the size of a TV, the writing is too small to be read with the naked eye. It's also written in cursive and many of the words are in French to make you feel stupid.

And here comes my Mute Immigrant Sidekick to take away two plates on your table that we apparently put there for no reason whatsoever. OK then!

Now let me put this thick book full of wine names – also mostly spelled in French – on the table right in the most inconvenient place. I'll stand it up so that you have a better chance of accidentally knocking it down later.

Even though every single person in the history of time has said Yes to this question, I'm going to ask you anyway: Would you like some water? Yes? Great, now let me make you say, out loud, how cheap you are by offering you the opportunity to pay for a bottle of water instead of tap. Tap? I'm going to give you a little half smile now and say that things are "very good," even though you've just had to admit, in front of your date, that she's not special enough for a bottle of water.

Now I will leave you here for 15 minutes, during which time I will go stand by the ordering terminal looking at little scraps of paper in my apron. Don't worry, I won't make eye contact with you no matter how much you try to get my attention.

...]]> /article/6867277 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6867277/goddamn-cold-and-flu-season Wed, 30 Jan 2013 09:53:24 -0500

It's the middle of winter and you know what that means: time for everyone you know to start getting sick. Whether it's a cough, cold, fever or the flu, chances are that you're going to do battle with some malady this winter. But fear not, I'm here to help get you prepared. As a veteran of sixteen bouts of strep throat, twenty different strains of the flu and coughs/colds too numerous to count, I know my way around a sick day. If you follow my advice as the first sign of sickness you should be on the road to recovery in no time.

...]]> /article/6863574 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6863574/tldnr-5-easy-steps-to-get-rid-of-someone-standing-behind-you-while-youre-on-the-computer Tue, 15 Jan 2013 14:17:33 -0500

We've all been there! You're sitting down at your computer to browse around, play some games, do some shopping, whatever, but then someone up and stands right behind you. They probably don't mean any harm but it's certainly hard to enjoy your time on the computer with Big Brother looking over your shoulder. Here's how to get rid of anyone – a sibling, a parent, a roommate, a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife – in 5 simple steps! Stacy, honey, I'm trying to do that article right now, OK? Just give me a few minutes. Please.

...]]> /article/6760184 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6760184/dont-be-a-fcking-asshole-on-the-subway Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:31:53 -0400 I'd like to launch an awareness campaign aimed at rude New Yorkers, written in a style they'll understand, so that one day, maybe, they won't be quite so shitty.

I should note that most New Yorkers are completely wonderful, caring people. It's just that some of us seem to enjoy the "New Yorkers are assholes" thing a bit too much.

...]]> /article/6857784 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6857784/tldnr-what-if-the-apocalypse-really-does-come-on-122112 Tue, 18 Dec 2012 15:01:29 -0500

The Mayans long ago created a calendar that is set to expire on 12/21/12. Many across the world have interpreted this as a doomsday prophecy and are flocking to areas of supposed significance, awaiting the end of times. The chance that a pre-Columbian society with an admittedly advanced understanding of heavenly motion – though not nearly as advanced as ours now – could predict the expiration date of earth more than five hundred years in the future is, to put it kindly, remote. However, as with all analysis of likelihoods, there is of course a chance that the Mayans could be correct. And that would just suck, right?!

...]]> /article/6856422 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6856422/the-three-wise-men-have-an-argument Wed, 12 Dec 2012 17:08:31 -0500

Melchior: This is exciting, huh? The birth of the Lord God incarnate?

Balthasar: Yup.

...]]> /article/6855855 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6855855/7-positions-for-sex-at-your-parents-place Tue, 11 Dec 2012 09:47:16 -0500

...]]> /article/6854183 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6854183/how-to-roll-the-perfect-joint Wed, 05 Dec 2012 19:11:15 -0500

...]]> /article/6853522 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6853522/tldnr-a-new-drinking-game-bartender Tue, 04 Dec 2012 14:53:02 -0500

Do not ever accept a drink from someone making this face.

One night a few months ago, a bunch of CH writers went out to celebrate Malibu Einstein 's birthday at a bar in Brooklyn. We decided that we should make up a drinking game as a present, so we went to work brainstorming. After a few false starts, test rounds and moderate alcohol poisoning, we had the basics of a game called Bartender. It's a quick game that can be played by 3 – 10 people and, hopefully, will reveal embarrassing secrets about your friends. Here is how you play:

...]]> /article/6851281 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6851281/tldnr-3-more-inventions-to-change-the-world Mon, 26 Nov 2012 16:38:16 -0500

The last time we talked about inventions I discussed my idea for license plates with EZ-Passes built in, a rolling suitcase that turns into a chair and a pillow for couples trying to watch TV on a couch. This time I have three new inventions and no big intro story because I kind of blew the one invention-related anecdote I had on that first article. Anyway, hopefully you can still enjoy the ideas without a long-winded introduction.

...]]> /article/6850149 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6850149/the-invitation-to-the-first-thanksgiving Tue, 20 Nov 2012 22:18:49 -0500

]]> /picture/6850057 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6850057/is-that-the-new-iphone Tue, 20 Nov 2012 14:45:47 -0500 /article/6848246 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6848246/guy-fieri-responds-to-the-new-york-times-review-of-his-restaurant Wed, 14 Nov 2012 12:49:30 -0500 On November 14, 2012 the New York Times published a scathing review of Guy Fieri's restaurant recently opened in Times Square. This is his response.

...]]> /article/6845645 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6845645/tldnr-saying-hi-to-tyler Wed, 07 Nov 2012 16:20:54 -0500

I've spent roughly half my life so far smoking cigarettes. I gave it up three or four years ago but now chain chew nicotine gum and only smoke when I'm drinking, when I'm filming something or when I feel like it. Which is all the time. I don't even like smoking: it doesn't taste good, I'm too old for it to look cool and my teeth are permanently a few shades closer to butter than most people find attractive. I'm sure my lungs look like the inside of a lazy stoner's resin-caked bowl, except you can't scrape and smoke the tar coating the inside of my body to get high… OR CAN YOU?!

...]]>