Matt Loker is a writer and a bad person, but not necessarily in that order. His greatest dream is to be rich enough to buy a dolphin and hire two stout men to hoist the dolphin in the air so he can punch it in the stomach. Why? According to Matt, "Not to hurt it. Just because it would feel very taut and overstuffed, kind of like an 85 lb. punching bag covered with velveteen. It's nothing personal.

"I also don't like things that come on smarter than me. Stupid dolphin, I am smarter than you. And I think I can prove that by assaulting him."

When not dreaming up elaborate and terrific scenarios, he's writing comedy and spending time in a tony beach community, despite the fact that he cannot surf or skate like other young hip Southern Californians do. "Seriously, fuck that dolphin, all clogging up tuna nets like a dumb undersea motherfucker," he offers, in gentle repose.

Matt Loker also has the distinction of being the world's only person. You can contact him at vice_president@whitehouse.gov