CollegeHumor: Matt Loker http://www.collegehumor.com/user/65499 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/221973 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/221973/german-toy-catalog German Toy Catalog Tue, 19 Dec 2006 07:02:30 -0500



...]]> /article/124535 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/124535/is-your-dog-emo Is Your Dog Emo? Wed, 04 Oct 2006 02:53:31 -0400 Take this quiz to find out.

  • Says he's a Black Lab, but he's really just a Golden Retriever who figured out how to chew the top off a bottle of dye. /article/105848 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/105848/new-collegehumor-features New CollegeHumor Features Mon, 18 Sep 2006 18:33:55 -0400 Enjoying the new and improved CollegeHumor.com website? Well it only gets better! In addition to all of the cool new features, here are some of the exciting things you'll start seeing at CH.com over the next few weeks:

    More Videos: We'll have a brand new section of even crazier videos! They'll be devoted to hilarious things like the new Taco Bell Crunch ...]]> /article/86183 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/86183/drunk-driving-just-say-yo Drunk Driving: Just Say Yo! Mon, 11 Sep 2006 16:30:04 -0400 It happens every Saturday night all over America, in towns just like yours. Young people gather to have a few drinks, and those drinks turn into a few too many. Then, tragedy strikes: there's no decent food around. In fact, a lack of late night munchies is the nation's number one killer of good vibes. Fortunately, this can all be avoided with a little vigilance and a lot of swerving. Thanks to the miracle of 24-hour drivethrus and 3 A.M. drunk driving, no longer do college students bum away in starvation. But when someone's too drunk to get behind the wheel and drive to Jack in the Box, remember: just say "yo!" Then, having got your friends' attention, say "shotgun"; that way, you can make sure the driver is adequately distracted by loud, loud music.
    ...]]>         /article/73415 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/73415/jazz Jazz Wed, 06 Sep 2006 14:00:04 -0400 Everyone's heard jazz, but how many people have truly heard jazz? Everyone, I just said that. Now that you're paying attention, here's everything you need to know about jazz.

    There are many different styles of jazz. Modal Jazz is more traditional and melodic. Free Jazz is, ironically, made by slaves. Bebop is highly infectious. Hard-bop is always fatal.

     /article/68438 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68438/tips-to-beat-the-heat Tips To Beat The Heat Fri, 04 Aug 2006 00:00:00 -0400 It's hot out right now. It's so hot" [How hot IS it?!]" It's so hot, the elderly are succumbing to heat-related death. Excessive temperatures are no laughing matter. Be sure not to laugh at any of the following suggestions for keeping cool this summer.



    1. Keep hydrated. You lose lots of fluids in hot weather, so try to drink at least eight beers during the day. Frosty cold beer has the water your body needs, and it also contains essential coolectrolites and awesominerals. That, and it helps to quench the body's natural fear of the police.
    ...]]> /article/68382 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68382/rehabilitating-nerds Rehabilitating Nerds Mon, 26 Jun 2006 15:00:00 -0400 When did nerds get the idea that it's okay to be nerdy? I don't recall seeing any Nerd Pride parades on the streets of Silicon Valley. But I guess if they tried that, they'd get wedgied and slammed into a locker by the Rose Bowl parade. Maybe geeks started getting all cocky after that movie about the nerds who get revenge, but nobody remembers what that one was called.

    ...]]>         /article/68355 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68355/cheeky-student-newspaper-headlines Cheeky Student Newspaper Headlines Sat, 13 May 2006 00:00:00 -0400









    ...]]> /article/68270 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68270/m-arthur-lokers-guide-to-etiquette-for-teenage-roustabouts M. Arthur Loker's Guide to Etiquette for Teenage Roustabouts Wed, 15 Feb 2006 00:00:00 -0500 Brandy, 15: My boyfriend Mansuelo is good at two things: driving cars really fast and getting girls really pregnant. We did it last Friday and now I'm already eight weeks knocked up. How do I let him know?



    In Response: When someone gives you a gift – be it a tea service or a half-Latino bastard-baby – it's only polite to send a thank you note. I'd recommend a heavy bond paper or card stock, and a fine-tip calligraphy pen for the lettering. Also, make sure the recipient has a permanent address. The Postal Service will refuse delivery to street intersections or Park "'n' Rides.
    ...]]> /article/68155 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68155/the-case-for-evolution-boating-accidents The Case for Evolution: Boating Accidents Wed, 16 Nov 2005 00:00:00 -0500 Let's face it – evolution might now be extinct. The new wave is Intelligent Design, and let's face it, that's just hiding a bible inside a textbook. I mean, you can blow a man in a cape and a Batman mask, but deep down you know that hey, that's not Batman's dork in my mouth. But enough about Saturday.



    Putting aside all this Intelligent Design hoopla, the fact of the matter is: the slowest and dumbest now have a better chance of surviving than ever. If you were too slow back in the good ol' days, you would be eaten by a speeding beast-cat. And if you were too dumb, they'd find your charred body after you tried to have sex with an electrical transformer. But no longer! Now we coddle slow people by giving them Rascal™ Scooters, as to better facilitate the purchase of Combos and Chocodiles. And if you're dumb, that's what the lottery is for.
    ...]]> /article/68104 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68104/how-drunk-were-you How Drunk WERE You? Sat, 24 Sep 2005 00:00:00 -0400 To quote every freshman in the history of ever: "I was SOOOO drunk!" Problem is, there's no objectivity to this claim. There are no gold medals and no Jeopardy champions in the game of Drunk. So how close can we ever come to explaining this phenomenon of the lampshade-wearing, sexual-favor giving, arrested-getting inebriate?


    ...]]> /article/68068 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68068/i-want-a-benefactor I Want A Benefactor Sat, 20 Aug 2005 00:00:00 -0400 So I was watching PBS the other night and I was hit by a revelation: stacking a mini pizza on top of another mini pizza and then cooking it is basically the same thing as a Chicago-style pizza, but without all the to-do. Then I started actually paying attention to PBS and realized the following: all PBS shows are sponsored by a group or an old dead person. It's always, "Seventy-Eight Minutes About Pottery, brought to you by the Joseph P. Marshall Foundation." What? Who is Joseph P. Marshall and why does he care so much about educating the nerdish and unemployed of America? Regardless, the concept therein is awesome: I need a foundation to support me.
    ...]]>         /picture/43399 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/43399 Untitled 12 Mon, 04 Jul 2005 00:00:00 -0400 /article/67041 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67041/making-an-enemies-list Making an Enemies List Thu, 16 Jun 2005 00:00:00 -0400 Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this "healing" is just a clever tactic. That's right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) punches you in the face and takes your Pumas.



    And that's why I need an enemies list: my Pumas are the sweet. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he's dead. Lesson: Never pick "natural causes" as an enemy.
    ...]]> /article/67048 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67048/collegehumor-commecement-2005 CollegeHumor Commecement 2005 Sat, 28 May 2005 00:00:00 -0400 Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2005,



    Don't get a job.



    That's right, y'heard me. Don't work for a living. And not in that misguided socialism hippie-commune way, but don't get a job.



    I'll explicate: jobs are for suckers. Heck, CollegeHumor came about because a few guys didn't want to do anything in their lives except look at breasts and beer pong tables. A noble undertaking, to be sure, but it's hardly landing on the moon. My point being: working hard for a living used to be cool, made popular by Protestants and Steinbeck novels. But just because your grandpa rocked an East of Eden t-shirt doesn't mean it's still cool.
    ...]]> /article/67075 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67075/collegehumor-museum-of-fine-art CollegeHumor Museum of Fine Art Tue, 29 Mar 2005 00:00:00 -0500 Hello, and welcome to the CollegeHumor Museum of Fine Art. My name is Matt, and I am the curator here. I'm also in some of the pictures. What? Yes" those ones. Let's not talk about it. No, it grew back. Moving on.



    This first wing of the Museum is the Hall of Cute Animals. Pictures involving cute animals date back to the Cro-Magnon era, evidenced by cave paintings found in regions of Spain and Southern France. These sketches often used crude, berry-based paints to depict a buffalo, and then a smaller, cuter buffalo. Females were often drawn to these caves to witness the baby buffalo paintings, and then usually had intercourse with the inhabitant of the cave. To think, humans used to be so primitive that cute baby animals would draw women to men.
    ...]]> /article/67082 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67082/blonde-myths Blonde Myths Sat, 12 Mar 2005 00:00:00 -0500 Do blondes really have more fun? Yes, of course they do. You'd have to be as dumb as a redhead to ask that question. Follow along as some myths about blondes are debunked.



    MYTH: Blondes are stupid.


    FACT: [Sound of author trying to eat own head] What?

    ...]]> /article/67117 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67117/a-college-guide-to-surviving-the-trip-home A College Guide to Surviving the Trip Home Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:00:00 -0500 The Buddha once said, "It's not the destination, but the journey that sucks." It should be noted that this was said by John Buddha, my roommate, and he was talking about going home for Winter Break. And while the traditional, or "Gautama" Buddha achieved enlightenment under the Bodhi tree, John Buddha gets so high that he forgets how to chew.


    ...]]> /article/67131 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/67131/functional-alcoholism FUNctional Alcoholism Sat, 20 Nov 2004 00:00:00 -0500 Hi, my name is Matt, and I have a problem. The problem is: Life is just too awesome! That sound you just heard was me high-fiving my entire campus. Think about it.



    Seriously, who doesn't drink alcohol to excess in college? I'll tell you who: robots. Robots and religious fanatics. Which, interestingly, you never see in the same room at the same time. And how come religious fanatics need to be plugged in to a wall every four hours? I'll be the first to admit that I don't really "know" what religion "is," but I've heard it can involve Christians of some sort. I don't know what that means, but I do know what Christian Brothers Brandy is, and let me tell you, it's awful. Awful wonderful for getting your slant on.
    ...]]>