Round 1
Optimus Prime unfolds into large truck, runs over Mark.
Optimus: 1 Mark: 0

Round 2
Mark writes a really mean blog entry.
Optimus: 1 Mark: 1

Round 3
...]]> /article/78242 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/78242/the-freshman-15-and-other-myths Thu, 07 Sep 2006 11:59:17 -0400 Since your first week in a new place can be scary, it's important to separate the fact from the fiction. So I've cobbled together some undisputable scientific tidbits that should keep you feeling cool, calm and collected during the seven days that will make or break your college career. If you're not ready for the truth, stop reading now – because there's no turning back. Remember, poking a hole in a myth is a lot like poking a hole in a condom – do it and people will respect you.

First off, you will become more popular the more groups you create on Facebook. The guy who created the "People Who Say Soda Not Pop" group drives an Escalade. In the dining hall, people address him as Sir, not "Finklestein," not "Adam."

Secondly, it's OK to sleep with everybody in your hallway. In terms of icebreakers, nothing beats syphilis. Think of STDs like Boy Scout badges. The more you collect, the more sex you will have. This is college. Abortions are a dime a dozen, and who doesn't have a $1.20? When Sorority Rush comes around, you'll thank me when they look for girls with "life experience" and children.

Thirdly, in college, nobody is gay except you. A liberal arts campus may seem accepting. But trust me, you're the only one. Those music theater kids are just trying to trick you. You've kept it inside this long, you can wait until the divorce.

Fourthly, treat your roommate like the twin sibling you never had. Freshmen year and day one of prison are the only times in life when you won't get to choose your bunkmate. And in prison, people masturbate less. Finish each other's sentences. Eat together. But back off when you steal a paperclip and wake up next to a bloody squirrel with a note in its mouth that reads: "I trusted you." (You know who you are.)
...]]> /article/68412 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68412/tips-for-showing-your-off-campus-apartment Wed, 14 Jun 2006 00:00:00 -0400 Man, looking for off campus housing is tough! But making your own pad look attractive for potential subletters can be even tougher. You'll probably try to trick poor schlubs into renting out your place. Maybe you'll throw on a fresh coat of paint or push a couch over a rug stain. I'm sorry, but screw that. I watch TLC, too. Admittedly, I'm no Ty Pennington, but here's a few tips to make your apartment a warm and welcome place for anybody shopping for a sublet.
...]]> /article/69278 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/69278/i-cant-do-thatunless-you-dare-me Mon, 08 May 2006 15:00:00 -0400 Dude, you're crazy! Three scoops of frozen yogurt mixed with raisins, BBQ sauce, Barbie heads and rat poison! You'd have to kill me before I ate that! You'd have to tie me to a tree and pry my eyes open with toothpicks! You'd have to kidnap my parents and send me the Polaroids! Sure I want to join this frat, and I knew hazing would be rough, but there is no way I'm taking one bite. Unless you dare me.
...]]> /article/69272 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/69272/so-youre-going-to-die-a-slut Thu, 13 Apr 2006 00:00:00 -0400 Oh baby. This isn't going to be easy. I have something very important to tell you. You may want to sit down. No, it's not cancer. Or heart disease. You've been cheating on me for quite some time now. So I'll just say it: You have fifty tyears to live. And then, you're going to die a slut.

You will go through five stages. The first stage is denial. You'll say, "This isn't happening to me." You may remember that phrase from the day I said it, when you got pregnant for the third time. What was his name again? Oh that's right, Jake something. "I don't know what you're talking about," you said, "I'm just getting fat." And this is where we begin: the first stage. Denial.
...]]> /article/68299 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68299/seven-ways-to-welcome-katie-holmes-new-baby Wed, 15 Mar 2006 00:00:00 -0500 Yay! In just a few short weeks, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will be having their first baby together! Yay! It's so exciting, isn't it? Can you feel it, the change in the air? Well, I don't know what you plan on doing, but here's seven ways to welcome the Antichrist:

1. Children love horsies! Especially when they're escorting global damnation! So get your sorority sisters together, make some punch and have a four horsemen-themed End of Days/Baby Shower party. Turn on the Sci-Fi channel and watch the delivery live! Or better yet, take a frozen turkey, use some glitter for placenta and act out your own birth in front of friends and family. But be careful on carpets! That glitter gets everywhere.
...]]> /article/68266 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68266/you-never-call-by-sexybabe4u746210 Fri, 10 Feb 2006 00:00:00 -0500 It's been over a week. You still haven't checked out my webcam. Is it something I did? I sent you that instant message. You never did click my link. Are you blocking me? I wasn't lying when I said I wanted you to check out my pix; I honestly value your feedback.

Fine. Be that way. I should have seen this coming when you didn't respond to my e-mail about cheap Canadian Viagra. Where I come from, "Cialis $$5$$ a PILL" isn't deleted like common trash. If I didn't love you, "4: replica watches :: rolex replicas :: fake watches :: $39" would cost much, much more. E-mail might be passive, but I just don't know how to reach out to you. Maybe my mother was right.
...]]> /article/69260 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/69260/i-bet-youre-fat-on-the-inside-too Wed, 11 Jan 2006 00:00:00 -0500 Like most people, each New Years Eve I pledge to find a girlfriend and become more charitable. I rarely follow through. So this year I resolved to combine both resolutions and start dating ugly girls. That's why I'm glad I met you, my little McMuffin. They say beauty is only skin-deep. But I bet you're fat on the inside, too.

How selfless I look as we walk arm-in-arm! Me the noble Samaritan, you the pride of the nation's dairy farmers! Oh darling! You make me so proud of myself! If my love were a soup kitchen, you'd get first dibs.
...]]> /article/69257 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/69257/its-not-me-its-you-seriously Thu, 22 Dec 2005 00:00:00 -0500 So I know I'm your first boyfriend. And I know you went to all that trouble of copying your apartment key, monogramming those towels and convincing your parents I'm into the bible and shit. But when you told me you loved me today "" after fourteen days, to be honest, I thought you were stoned. Now it's I who feel stoned. To death. By your relentless affection.

...]]> /article/69253 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/69253/good-glorious-god-im-in-love Mon, 05 Dec 2005 15:00:00 -0500 Fellow frat brothers! For all that is right and holy I come before you a new man! After spending three and a half years at this state university, I have found the very thing that has mystified the prophets, baffled the likes of Shakespeare, toppled the city of Troy "" I have slept with the same girl for three consecutive nights. The same girl! Holy Jesus-fucking Christmas trees! It has happened: I have found true love.
...]]> /article/68159 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68159/the-trials-and-tribulations-of-that-guy Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:00:00 -0500 Hey there, I'm That Guy. Maybe you don't remember me. That's OK. I remember you.

I'm That Guy who went to your Korean bible group even though I'm not Asian, ate a box of free pizza, and then used the Book of Revelations as a napkin.

I'm That Guy who snuck onto your roommate's computer, wrote an e-mail to his girlfriend calling her sorority the largest slut-store since Planned Parenthood printed two for one coupons, and then removed the keyboard letters I-M-S-O-R-Y. Let me know how that turns out for him by the way.
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