CollegeHumor: Lilly Walleck http://www.collegehumor.com/user/65547 Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/2993519 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/2993519/an-open-letter-to-straight-girls An Open Letter to Straight Girls Wed, 17 Oct 2007 04:49:05 -0400 Due to some recent relationship developments [read: I'm single, bitches!], I realized that I have dated a lot of straight girls. Straight girls fucking love me. I don’t really get why, and haven't exactly questioned it until now. I realized that whatever pattern of dating straight girls I seem to be into hasn’t exactly worked out in my favor [read: I'm single. Bitches.]. So, because I have obviously not had any part in the demise of my relationships, I decided to write an open letter to straight girls.
...]]> /article/1210047 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1210047/lilly-vs-the-cat Lilly vs. the cat Tue, 03 Jul 2007 15:32:01 -0400 What I imagine as the inner monologue of Jasper the cat:


I'm getting a little bored of pawing at this obviously inanimate mouse thingie..what to do, what to do.. I could lick my own asshole for a little bit..Yeah that sounds good.


[Jasper proceeds to perform auto-analingus for a good 20 minute block]


Bored again. Holy shit is that a mouse? I'm gonna bat at it.
...]]> /article/1208307 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1208307/new-home New Home Mon, 02 Jul 2007 21:43:04 -0400 I just moved into my new place for the rest of the summer, and this is what I've concluded thus far.


Pro:

-It's not my sister's walk-in closet.

Con:

-It's not not not my sister's walk-in closet.


Pro:

-The room is really big.
...]]> /article/1192805 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1192805/did-you-know Did you know... Tue, 26 Jun 2007 20:42:34 -0400 That trying to "out-crazy" a homeless person when they're yelling at you isn't an effective way to diffuse the situation?

]]> /article/1009812 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1009812/im-a-great-girlfriend I'm a Great Girlfriend Fri, 04 May 2007 19:39:07 -0400 The "I'm a Great Daughter" list really helped open up the communication between my mother and I; it showed her that I was listening and appreciating her reactions to instances that I thought were hilarious. So, I made my girlfriend make me a list of things I do/have done that she doesn't like.


The Girlfriend does NOT like…
...]]> /article/919418 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/919418/im-a-great-daughter I'm a Great Daughter Tue, 17 Apr 2007 22:33:58 -0400 I just found this short piece from a while ago. I think I wrote this while I was at home over the summer.




Things my mom does like:


-When I call her "just to say hi"

-Me keeping my room clean

-Watching "What Not To Wear" and shows on HGTV with her on the couch
...]]> /article/888198 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/888198/inside-the-sanrio-boardroom-1974 Inside The Sanrio Boardroom, 1974 Wed, 11 Apr 2007 21:41:10 -0400 Boss: So, describe what you've got so far.

Carl, the first designer: Well, we, mostly I, have an idea for a cartoon cat.

Boss: Interesting, interesting. Tell me about her..or him, whatever you have so far.

Carl: She's all white, wears lots of pink bows and pink outfits, and is really happy about life.

Boss: FANTASTIC…what's her name?

...]]> /article/811410 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/811410/does-anyone-else Does Anyone Else... Mon, 26 Mar 2007 14:05:51 -0400 find Britney Spears' song "You Drive Me Crazy" a little more poignant since the events of the last few months? I bet whoever the "you" she was singing to feels less than flattered now


Other musical allusions to Britney's cries for help:

"Hit Me Baby (One more time)" and "Oops I Did It Again" for repeat offending
...]]> /article/671868 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/671868/penance-with-pizazz Penance with Pizazz Fri, 23 Feb 2007 22:38:35 -0500 In the vein of Cosmopolitan Magazine's Why Don't You… section – where they usually gloriously list some heteronormative, "You Go Girl" bullshit – here are some things you can give up to commemorate this holy season.


Why Don't You Give Up…



    ...]]> /article/643058 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/643058/tim-hard-on-gays Tim Hard-On-Gays Sun, 18 Feb 2007 16:18:43 -0500 Responding to John Amaechi's declaration of his sexuality, former Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway announced on a radio show that he hates the queers.

    "You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known," said Hardaway, then proudly elaborating that he doesn't like gay people, doesn't like to be around them, and doesn't feel that they should be in the world or in the United States. Listeners, varying from the everyday sports enthusiast to high-end officials, clamored for Hardaway to offer some solution for their removal. Sadly, Hardaway gave no such proposal.
    ...]]>         /article/512286 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/512286/weapon-of-choice Weapon of Choice Mon, 29 Jan 2007 15:56:04 -0500 The U.S. military just introduced their newest weapon: a non-lethal ray gun that emits a 130-degree beam, giving the ray’s recipient the sensation that they are actually on fire. Deemed “harmless” by officials, the beam is intended to cause “minor discomfort,” but not actually injure the target. 



    Although the pesky feeling of being engulfed in flames can be mildly unpleasant, the other proposed weapons (deemed unconscionable by military scientists) are being called  "potentially more harmful."
    ...]]> /article/230913 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/230913/how-to-start-the-new-years-with-a-bang How To Start the New Years with a Bang Thu, 28 Dec 2006 17:52:59 -0500 Fellate a firecracker.

    ]]> /article/182334 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/182334/girl-logic-decoding-part-1 Girl Logic Decoding: Part 1 Thu, 16 Nov 2006 11:26:43 -0500 As much as guys can go crazy sometimes, make irrational decisions and react in inappropriate ways, we all know Girl-Logic is often comparable to that of nap-less toddler.

    The following are some examples so you can begin to gauge the responses your precious little vag-on-legs will give you:

    Situation: Meet a girl, chat her up, eventually make out, refuse to go home with her for valid reasons (read Streeter Seidell's "My Super Ex-Girlfriend")
    ...]]> /article/164331 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/164331/a-suggestion-for-next-halloween-ladies A Suggestion for Next Halloween (ladies...) Thu, 02 Nov 2006 18:32:55 -0500 We all know I love drunk people roaming around, unabashedly searching for anonymous sex. When those drunk people are encouraged to dress as fantastical beasts and ghoulish beings, my excite-o-meter creams itself. I realized this past Halloween that when so many women decide that they'll forgo realism and creative integrity with their costumes, they're shitting on the age old instituti...]]> /article/133835 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/133835/the-art-of-eye-fucking The Art of Eye-Fucking Thu, 12 Oct 2006 12:18:50 -0400 There was a time when I would walk into the mail room and see a girl who consistently gave me the "I'm going to pounce on you" eyes. As I was scanning through my bank statements, cards from my mother, and random pamphlets for grad programs, I'd slyly check up to see if she was still ripping off my clothes with her eyes. Even on the worst day, it was always a nice little perk.

    The tried and true method of Eye-Fucking as a means of getting someone's attention varies per the participants. There are several ways of identifying/going about the eye fuck, and several courses of action to take after it's happened.

    You've been eye-fucked:

  • Someone stares at you the way Anna Nicole does while slurring "Trim Spa, babyyy."
    • # Their eyes stay on you after a quick up-down. If you catch them doing that, they obviously were letting you know they assessed the product and deemed it worthy.
  • Lip biting is a well known "come 'n' get it"

    • ...]]>         /article/112012 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/112012/a-poachers-guide-to-drunk-girls A Poacher's guide to Drunk Girls Fri, 22 Sep 2006 15:21:23 -0400 My first article posted on CH was basically a poacher's guide to the jungle of lesbians one encounters in college. On a similar note, it's difficult to judge who'd be the best target for the evening. A guide to refer to for such evenings is my "welcome back to school, sluts" gift to you all: a guide to super drunk girls.
    [picture:1705394|size=small]

    Perpetualus-Purse-Lostis:
    ...]]> /article/109553 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/109553/an-open-letter-to-the-i-feel-girl An Open Letter to the "I Feel..." girl Wed, 20 Sep 2006 18:24:17 -0400 Dear "I feel.." Girl,

    It's really wonderful you feel empassioned enough about a topic to speak up in class. More and more, I hear stories of how women are being silenced by their own volition, and am saddened by it. Are these women fearful of appearing like a feminazi, or do they just love hearing only the brawny texture of a man's voice too much to speak up?

    ...]]>         /article/105937 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/105937/have-a-middle-school-date Have a Middle School Date Mon, 18 Sep 2006 19:26:32 -0400 You know those uncomfortable moments of silence when you're hanging out with someone you're on a date with, or just hanging out in his or her room (our generation's replacement of actual dates)? Regardless of how much you "connect," those little patches of "so..um..uh.." are inevitable. Instead of freaking out, embrace this adolescent blast from the past!

    Middle school was everyone's peak years; we were all in the same boat of physical transformation, everyone's style choices were questionable, and we all wondered when we'd get our periods, right guys? Bring sexy back by declaring it a Middle School Date.

    Things to do on the MSD:

  • Play "Marry, Bury, Screw" : Jesus, Mary, or Joseph; Mom, Dad, Sibling/pet; Santa, the Easter Bunny, or a Leprechaun; a show pony, a great ape, Roseanne Arnold; Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias, Marc Antony?
  • Get out the retainers, because your parents did not pay all that money to have your teeth go back to how they were
  • Stuff wherever you believe there should be more packing. I swear it'll come soon, everyone has different schedules…
  • Have your mom call every 15 minutes "just to check in," because otherwise you will get an STD and die.
  • Whatever liquor could go unnoticed from as many bottles as you can, make into a "sweet mood setter" and sip classily throughout the night.
  • Gents: over gel your hair, over cologne your body, over-emphasize how you've been in this situation before. Ladies love hearing about all the other girls you've been with because you're sooo smooth.
  • Ladies: over gloss your lips (something cherry or obnoxiously fruity), spray Tommy Girl until it really seeps into your pores, and put your hair in a high ponytail. This isn't "80s night," so don't pull that leg warmer bullshit. We're from the 90s, moron.
  • Put on JockJams, "NOW That's What I Call Music!" volumes 1-9, or Backstreet Boys, and let the mood ride.

    • ...]]>         /article/101560 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/101560/a-rose-by-any-other-name-is-just-as-easy A Rose by Any Other Name Is Just as Easy Fri, 15 Sep 2006 16:31:04 -0400 First semester of my first year at college, I quickly solidified my persona as the asshole, player lesbian. I assumed this reputation would deter girls from succumbing to my charms, but strangely enough, it seemed to only help my "game." After five minutes of obnoxious flirtation, a girl would say something along the lines of, "Oh I've heard about you." I'd laugh and ask what they'd heard, even though I already knew the answer. She'd assume that because I owned up to the gossip about me, it couldn't possibly be as true, or maybe I was different with her. That's cute. Because I'm at a school most would put under the category of "Hippy School," most women lean towards the bisexual side of things. Although I personally believe every girl is negotiable, it makes things a whole lot easier when a girl responds to, "so, are you straight?" with "Um, it's Hampshire…is anyone really straight here?"

    One particularly shit-faced evening, I was outside of a party talking with some friends, being my usual entertaining (Read: obnoxious) self. A cute girl I had seen around campus was standing near us, looking extremely upset. Normally I avoid situations where people express emotions, as I feel they are completely unnecessary and optional. However, I was at the point of inebriation where actually listening became imperative for a good end to the evening.

    Me (nonchalantly) : "Hey…everything alright?"
    ...]]> /article/80567 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/80567/being-branded Being Branded Fri, 08 Sep 2006 13:37:45 -0400 I don't know if you've heard of it, but there's this new thing kids are doing called "hooking up." To those of you who are already aquainted with this integral part of college life, it might seem shocking that there are still those out there who don't know about it. I only assume they don't, because the way people react to "love marks" (AKA hickeys, scratches, mace ink) makes them seem like they've never seen anyone openly sexually active before.
    ...]]>