As a veteran of online dating I know the secret of finding success: play the numbers. The more girls you reach out to, the greater the odds that you are going to meet that special someone.


But who has time to read all those profiles? I'll tell you who, a guy named Notme McSomeoneelseington.


So I have prepared the following generic letter. However because these women are all unique snowflakes, some customization is necessary:
/article/3052178 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3052178/top-ten-top-ten-lists-letterman-has-to-use-during-writers-strike Thu, 08 Nov 2007 12:41:17 -0500 10. Top Ten Words That Pop Into My Head Right Now

9. Top Ten Lunch Specials On This Chinese Menu I Found

8. Top Ten Daytime Judge Shows I Have Seen

7. Top Ten Items I Will Purchase at Duane Reed After The Show

6. Top Ten Merlots I’ve Ever Had

5. Top Ten Ingredients That Go Into This Bottle of Diet Pepsi I am Drinking
...]]> /article/3023298 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3023298/lets-put-the-me-back-in-halloween--a-letter-from-satan Mon, 29 Oct 2007 00:37:29 -0400

We get it, movies are fun to make. Everyone had a blast. There were times that the stars just couldn't help but bust out laughing to the point that off camera crew members could be heard laughing politely.

But it wasn't all fun and games. Take the crazy make up. Can you believe the star had to sit in a makeup chair for 5 hours every morning? Sucks to be you, The Rock. Oh no wait it doesn't.

Oh and the special effects" how did they do that? Let me take a shot in the dark: when they were filming the crazy magical parts of the film the entire background behind the actors was nothing but a green screen. I know what you are thinking; a green screen isn't monsters dry-humping buildings then riding dragons in 360 degree matrix vision" IN SPACE!! But thanks to a bunch of nerdy guys with action figures on their computer monitors a few months later boom, movie magic. And by magic I mean a long boring process.

If I see one more chunk of footage of a man in a motion capture suit with ping pong balls glued to it I am going to send a turd back in my next Netflix envelope. "I'm Andy Sirkis, I played Gollum and King Kong!" Oh really I played a guy who was interested the first 90 times I saw you in a unitard with a ping-pong ball on your nutsack.

Of course, DVD is still my favorite movie format. I remember looking at my VHS tapes a few years back and thinking "these are great, but I wish I could destroy them forever by touching it on the wrong side" But just the feature of watching the movie will suffice from here on out. Take your extra discs and your Easter Eggs and save them for two years from now when the next new format shows up to make everyone throw out their DVDs. Throw in some extra nudity and maybe I'll free up some time.

In Charlotte? Come see Mike Trainor at the Comedy Zone on September 20th.
...]]> /article/68389 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68389/from-the-internet-pornography-association-of-america Mon, 24 Jul 2006 15:00:00 -0400 Dear friend,

It's an exciting time for internet pornography. We honestly thought it had all been done, but now we have all sorts of new, exciting genres. Take ATM-porn. It's practically an Olympic event. I swear somewhere out there girls are practicing with medicine balls to get that spin just right"

...]]> /article/68384 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68384/your-friend-the-atm Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:00:00 -0400 WaMu (or Washington Mutual to people who don't snowboard or whatever demographic they are reaching for) has done something truly creepy with their ATMs: Switched everything to first person.

"Hey there! Swipe your card in me to begin. Great job! Now tell me your secret code!"

...]]> /article/68406 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68406/quit-trying-to-change-me Thu, 08 Jun 2006 00:00:00 -0400 Look I'm a man set in my ways. Don't think you can just come into my life with your "refrigerate" this and "don't pee in the houseplant" that and expect me to do a 180.

Why are you drunk all the time?


Why are you a bitch all the time? Don't worry about me, I have it all figured out: liquor before beer… in the clear. It's the Contra code of drinking. It's not the amount of drinks you have it's the order you have them, don't you know anything? So when I ordered seven jack and cokes AND THEN 5-6 beers I was thinking, thinking like a fox! Now lets go to white castle, I'm buying. And by buying I mean driving. You're actually buying.
...]]> /article/68360 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/68360/hot-girls-you-are-not-dorks Wed, 17 May 2006 00:00:00 -0400 Attention hot girls:

You are not dorks. You are not Nerds.

Please adjust your MySpace page accordingly.

...]]>