Wake up sweaty and disoriented, ten minutes before you have to leave for work wearing a Soroptimist Women's Organization shirt your grandma gave you and those stained dELiA*s sweatpants you bought in the 7th grade (when JLo's velour sweat-suit was a "thing")

Step 2:

Grab a pair of jeans crumpled up in the corner of your apartment.

Step 3:

Do the sniff test. If they pass, throw them on. If not, Febreze® them and then throw them on. Same goes for socks. It's quick, easy and saves tons of money on laundry! Also prevents you from having meaningful romantic relationships.

Step 4:

Grab a bag of Tostitos® "Hint of Lime" chips located in the "nacho supplies" section of your kitchen. If you do not have a "nacho supplies" section in your kitchen, stop reading this immediately and kill yourself*

Step 5:

Throw on that magenta puffy coat your mom got you on sale from L.L. Bean. Yes, you look like an overgrown toddler with a disability but it's f**king cold and your self-respect is a gone anyway.

Step 6:

Jog down your hallway cradling the bag of chips in your arms as if it were a small child. Drop the bag: lose 12 points. Nobody likes crumbled up chips*

Step 7:

Jump on the subway. Push past the finance bros in Grand Central with their ill-fitting Dockers and "Super Cuts" haircuts. Start to laugh at them. Realize you are wearing a puffy L.L. Bean coat your mom bought you. Stop laughing.

Step 8:

Breeze into the office, mingle, check email, stare at that puppy desk-calendar you bought at Staples last week. Note that your desk resembles less of a "professional work-space" than the bomb-shelter of a confused tween girl.

Step 9:

Engage in an awkward run-in at the coffee machine with that guy whose name you can't remember (Elijah? Enrique? Jamiroquai?).

Step 10:

Your conversation will go something like this:

You: "So what do you do?"

Jamiroquai: "I'm a headhunter."

You: "Ooh headhunting!! Scary!"

Jamiroquai: "Umm… It means we recruit talent for companies."

You: (blank expression) "Ah hah! Well… This coffee is really coffee today! Bye!

(Run into glass door, realize it's a "pull." Laugh uncomfortably, then swing it open and bolt down the hallway. Do not look back).

Step 11:

Lunchtime! Your co-worker is eating Tomato Cheddar soup from Hale & Hearty again (your favorite). It smells delicious, but unfortunately you spent all of your money at (insert name)'s birthday/holiday party/bar mitzvah last week, so instead you are going to eat this bag of lime-flavored tortilla chips.

Step 12:

Rip open the plastic bag with your teeth and put your dignity aside, (probably next to the puppy desk-calendar.)

Step 13:

Eat the entire bag of chips.

Step 14:

At some point you won't feel hungry anymore. Power through this. It is an illusion. You are always hungry. This is who you are.

Step 15:

Soon your co-worker will ask if you've "done that spreadsheet yet." Just act like you can't hear them and point to the bag of chips mouthing the word "lunch."

Step 16:

The bag is done. You're filled with a mixture of shame and pride. You decide to call this "shmide."

Step 17:

Write down "do yoga! :)" on a sticky-note.

Step 18:

Never do yoga.

Step 19:

Repeat weekly.

*OK, don't actually kill yourself. But do take a moment to look at your life and your choices and then do the opposite of everything you've been doing. Now proceed to Step 5.
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