We stayed at Rumor's the entire night, and through the process I become somewhat intoxicated, so much so, in fact, that I decided to lower my standards. I spotted two girls that weren't ugly by any means, but they weren't exactly Perfect 10s, and they might have been a bit on the "meatier" side, although I wouldn't go so far as to call them fat, despite the fact that I called one of them "Fat Tina Fey."

I got Will to come with me, since there were two of them and we started dancing. The one girl didn't want anything to do with Will, which was odd, since Will was out of her league. But I continued dancing with my girl, who I quickly dubbed Fat Tina Fey. Tina Fey, of course, was one of the lead writers for SNL, she also did the Daily Update, and most recently she is on the show 30 Rock, which happens to be one of my favorites.

Really the only reason I called her Fat Tina Fey was because she had on similar glasses. The manner in which she dressed was also reminiscent of the way Tina's character dresses on 30 Rock.

I was getting pretty drunk and FTF wanted to leave so I walked over with her to the area near the door. She started telling me where she lived and I started mulling over if I wanted to leave with her. After some clarification she told me she lived off the red line, which is part of the DC Metro. I live off the orange line, and while the two are relatively close, it requires a train transfer and would therefore be very inconvenient for me. As soon as she said she was off the red line I just wanted to get away from her and luckily Caitlyn was there to facilitate that extraction and I never saw FTF again.

Several days later I was having a conversation with Will, this is how it went:

Halloween is a magical time of year. It’s a chance for guys to show their creativity by coming up with humorous and/or grotesque and/or ironic costumes, and it’s a chance for girls to show off their “creativity” by dressing as slutily as possible. Really everybody wins. Since guys typically like girls based solely on their looks it makes it even easier for guys to pick out girls; of course, just because it’s easier to pick them out doesn’t mean that it’s any easier to pick them up.

The Drunken Blog

When we moved into our new place we were afraid that everybody there was old, and when I say old I mean over 30, with a family and all that jazz. Unfortunately, most of our thoughts were confirmed over the first couple of months that we lived there. It was a mostly older family crowd, which is to be expected in a place where you have to buy your apartment and have a mortgage.

I learned an important life lesson last night. Several actually, but the biggest is that just because a place has a bar in it does not make the entire place worthy of the title “bar”. For instance, last night I went to a lounge, which had a bar in it, but it definitely was not a bar.

In this world of crazy relationships I have discovered a litmus test to see who would be suitable to date, and who you should probably steer clear of. Now, just like a real litmus test, this is not an exact science (that’s a lie, this is an exact science). It’s easy to do, although a lot of it depends on the circumstances.

Hell, it’s because of tailgating with friends that I am going to endure 6 country music shows this summer.

My sister is a teacher down in the Keys and she has some teacher friends, most of whom seem to be from Ohio for some unknown reason (it would later be explained to me that Ohio has a really good teacher training program). However, these friends had the thought that they were going to try and get me so drunk that I would throw up.

Having a point of reference makes a huge difference in terms of being able to guess somebody’s age. In grade school, for example, if you guessed and were off by 6 months, the receiving party would be offended. I mean, if they are in your class, they are most likely in the same grade as you, and if they are in the same grade as you, they were probably born the same year that you were.

The biggest difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is truly semantic. Alcoholics go to meetings, drunks also go to meetings, but those meetings are with friends at bars with lots of alcohol involved. One might say that an alcoholic is a quitter. There is even a term for functional alcoholics. I have no clue who made up this term, but it is pretty redundant. Alcoholics don’t drink anymore, so of course they can function. What there should really be is a functional drunk – that would be me.