In Traffic:

Me: Flicks off other motorists,honking loudly.

Jesus: Thinks horns are angelic trumpets heralding his coming, wanders into street trying to part the traffic and gets hit by a U-Haul.

1. “Just what I wasn’t expecting,” murmured Harry.“Robots.”
2. “You can’t fire me!” shouted Harry.“I quit.”The mob that was burning him at the stake laughed and ignored him.
3. “I hate Mondays,” muttered Jack Bauer, detonating a powerful and unrelated explosive device.
4. “I can’t believe we’re going to be cellmates in wizard prison!” shouted Draco.“I get the top wizard bunk!”“Yeah, yeah,” said Harry, cleaning his wizard nails with a wizard knife.“Just don’t drop the wizard soap.”
5. “This is really awkward.”
6. Unbeknownst to him, Harry had been in a mental institution for the past seven years.
7. “Now it’s time to wage a different kind of war,” said Harry.“A war on terror.”
8. And with a flick of his wand, Harry cured cancer, AIDS, and homosexuality.
9. She frowned. “It’s shorter than I expected.”Harry sighed.“I’m a grower, not a shower,” he muttered angrily.
10. "I'm going to Harvard, Yale, and Stanford!" Hermione exclaimed. "AT THE SAME TIME!" In his excitement over killing Voldemort, Harry had forgotten to apply to college. "I guess I'm going nowhere," he muttered, and went off to smoke controlled substances.
11. "Rosebud."
    ...]]> /article/1208853 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1208853/wingperson Tue, 03 Jul 2007 01:29:53 -0400 I am the greatest wingperson of all time. Some people say that only a man can be a wingperson. Those are the kind of people who say that women can't be policemen, cowbodys, Indian chiefs, or homosexuals. But as a woman, I think I'm capable of doing anything a man can do.
    
    

    I definitely know I'm the greatest wingperson of all time. I am an essential part of my male friends' romantic success. When he catches sight of an attractive girl at a bar, I'm right there on his arm, laughing at his jokes to show how clever he is. And when he makes his move, I'm right behing him, ready to throw my drink at his new friend to show how much jealousy he can provoke.

    
    ...]]> /article/1199094 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1199094/rejected-movie-titles Thu, 28 Jun 2007 22:39:27 -0400 "The Lambs Are Making Plenty of Noise"
    
    
    

    "Life Is Okay"

    
    
    

    "Someone Strikes The Empire"

    
    
    

    "12 Men Who Are Pretty Good-Tempered, All Things Considered"

    
    
    

    "To Maim A Mockingbird Slightly"

    
    
    

    "Taxi Passenger"

    
    
    

    "Peccadillo City"

    
    ...]]> /article/1188162 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1188162/my-irritable-bowel Sun, 24 Jun 2007 21:48:31 -0400 I hate having irritable bowel syndrome. Here's my day for you.
    
    
    

    Me: I think I'll turn on some music.

    Bowel: Don't put on any of those emo bands. You know I hate that crap.

    Me: I thought you liked crap.

    Bowel: And I've just about had it with your stupid crap jokes.

    
    ...]]> /article/1188082 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1188082/dating-survival-guide-what-to-bring Sun, 24 Jun 2007 21:06:02 -0400 1. Notepad and pencil. Especially on double dates, you can use this to record your observations about other members of your party, assigning them code names like "Buffalo" and "Walrus Woman." At the end of the night, you can turn these over to the appropriate scientific researchers.
    
    

    2. A small-print edition of War and Peace. "I can't, I'm reading War and Peace," is always a good excuse for not participating in a given pastime, including but not limited to bowling.

    
    ...]]> /article/1173607 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1173607/if-major-film-critics-reviewed-karen-this-girl-i-know-who-gets-around-a-lot Mon, 18 Jun 2007 23:02:55 -0400
12. "Worth the cost of admission."
13. "Bring your whole family. There's something for everyone."
14. "You can lose yourself in this magical world again and again."
15. "Anticlimactic."
16. "You'll emerge sadder and wiser."
17. "If Will Ferrell were in this one, there would be a lot more shouting."
18. "Four stars."
19. "Be sure to come with tissues."
20. "Loud."
21. "Really, really slutty."
    ...]]> /article/1157276 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1157276/worries-you-may-have-about-prostitutes--solved Tue, 12 Jun 2007 23:43:06 -0400 Prostitutes. You have questions. We have answers.
    
    

    Q: Can the rash I just developed be attributed to a "prostitute allergy"?

    
    

    A: Probably, but just in case, try one more.

    
    

    Q: If I"go black," willI be able to "go back"?

    
    

    A: If they meant "not never," they would say "not never" in the slogan.

    
    ...]]> /article/1107174 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1107174/things-you-dont-want-to-hear-from-the-person-next-to-you-as-you-sit-down-for-your-6-hour-flight-home Tue, 29 May 2007 16:49:07 -0400 "Have you found Jesus?"
    
    
    

    "I may not be the best-looking person on this flight, but I'm the only one talking to you."

    
    
    

    "Do nose-hair trimmers count as electronic devices?"

    
    
    

    "You can tell when your water breaks, right?

    
    
    

    "Hi, I'm from the future. May I share my wisdom with you?"

    
    ...]]> /article/1064805 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1064805/my-first-hour-on-the-new-romantic-networking-site-checkmyradarcom Fri, 18 May 2007 01:38:24 -0400
    9:27 PM Oh man, this new account is so exciting. Now I’ll get to see who’s interested in me. All I have to do is put them on my radar and wait to see if they reciprocate! Let’s see who else is on this site.
    
    
    

    9:40 I don’t really know any of these people.
    
    

    
    

    9:45 I guess I do kind of know that one guy. I’ll put him on my radar.

    
    ...]]> /article/1038403 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1038403/drop-off-lines Sat, 12 May 2007 01:14:51 -0400 You know those cheesy pick-up lines that got you into that frustrating relationship?
    
    
    
    There's only one known antidote, like water for fire or robots for cancer. It's these zingers that'll wind up your relationship quick!
    
    
    
    1. It must have hurt… when you dragged yourself up from Hell.
    
    
    
    2. Is it hot in here, or do you have some kind of glandular condition that causes you to sweat a lot?
    ...]]> /article/1038346 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/1038346/father-unable-to-make-time-for-son Sat, 12 May 2007 01:02:05 -0400

    Sources indicate that local father Dan McCarthy is unable to make time for his son, the adorable nine year-old Brady McCarthy.“I called Dad last week to see if we could play catch,” Brady said in a press release.“I left a message with his secretary.”Brady added, “He still has yet to call me back.”

    
    

    Mr. McCarthy’s secretary, Anne Gaines, observed, “This kid Brady keeps calling me.At first I had no clue who he was, because I had never heard about him or seen any pictures of him.But I figured it out and now we talk almost every day.”Gaines noted, “Brady seems like a nice, sweet, genuine kid.Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to play catch with him.I told him I couldn’t, because I was a woman.But I thought it was nice of him to ask.”

    
    ...]]>