Patrick Cassels Likes

  • Yesterday

  • Thanksgiving 2009

    The Second Thanksgiving

    by Patrick Cassels yesterday


    "I thought we asked you to bring the cranberry sauce."
    Every American knows the story of the First Thanksgiving, when the Wampanoag Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and the two peoples celebrated with a feast. Lesser known is the "Second Thanksgiving." Like most Holidays, there was a lot of aggression..

    GOVERNOR BRADFORD: (raising a glass) ...And so I'd like to propose a toast to another feast of Thanksgiving, and to our good neighbors, the Wampanoag.

    CHIEF MASSASOIT: We are happy to see you have prospered these last 12 months. In fact, we've noticed there are more of you this year. A lot more.

    GOVERNOR:  Indeed, new boats from the Old World are landing every day.

    CHIEF: So then you're all here to stay? Or...?

    GOVERNOR: Of course! Come now, what foods have your people brought?

    CHIEF: Nothing. You guys built a city where we used to grow our crops, remember?

    GOVERNOR: (under his breath) I thought we weren't going to get into this at dinner.
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  • Thursday, Nov 19 2009

  • Every Part of the Buffalo

    by Patrick Cassels 5 days ago
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  • Thursday, Nov 12 2009

  • Classic Titles Made Sarcastic With Quotation Marks

    by Patrick Cassels November 12, 2009

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  • Wednesday, Oct 21 2009

  • Brain Filler

    Five Searches Wikipedia Does Wrong

    by Jeff & Patrick October 21, 2009


    As the authors of such seminal columns as "Cars Crashing Through Walls in Sitcoms" and "The Ten Grossest Hollywood Thumbs-Into-Eyes," we end up at Wikipedia a lot. Sometimes you want to research one thing, perhaps a rogue intergalactic smuggler, but for some reason Wikipedia sends you to an article about something with the same name that's significantly less important. Here are five egregious examples we've come across in our travels.

    Han Solo

    SHOULD BE: Star Wars character and space scoundrel Han Solo
    IS: Species of trilobite Han solo

    Type the name of the universe's most famous Nerf Herder and you won't be whisked to a galaxy far, far away, but to Chinese rock formations where the slug-like trilobite Han solo can be found in fossil form. It's surprising that George Lucas, who's spent the last 20 years systematically tailoring every last insignificant detail of his Trilogy with CGI, hasn't logged a complaint on the Wikipedia discussion forums. Perhaps he's relying on fans to correct the error - a mistake, since all the truly passionate Star Wars fans go straight to Wookiepedia.

    Oregon Trail

    SHOULD BE: Oregon Trail the computer game
    IS: Oregon Trail the trail

    There was a time when entertainment meant picking something from three networks, four radio stations, or, God forbid, reading a book. Everyone enjoyed everything, because there was so little to enjoy. However, once we discovered the Internet, we divided ourselves into sub-sub-genres and take pride in enjoying things other people haven't discovered yet. We no longer share anything -- most people don't enjoy either America's most popular song or our #1 TV show, much less both (Jay Sean's "Down"and Mark Harmon's "NCIS," respectively). What's the one thing we all still have in common? The educational computer game Oregon Trail. It's been around since 1974, which is earlier than most people believe computers were invented. Not everyone in the 1800s decided to adventure West, but everyone born since 1980 has at some point sat down to play this game. That's why, somehow, Oregon Trail the computer game is more important than the historical events on which it is based.

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  • Thursday, Oct 15 2009

  • 105%

    Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Nine

    by 105%-O-Matic October 15, 2009


    Not available in parallel dimensions.

    If you go to clown college, what do you call the funniest guy in class?
    -Patrick Christopher N.
    What They Should Say
    If it ain't broke, then you need to fix your grammar.
    -Phillip Leland
    Buzz Lightyear doesn't understand the definition of infinity.
    -Brock Jackson
    Happiness
    If money can't buy happiness, shouldn't pizza, pot & sex be free?
    -Michel Sanchez
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  • Thursday, Oct 8 2009

  • 105%

    Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Eight

    by 105%-O-Matic October 08, 2009


    Please remove tinfoil suit for better reception.

    A true optimist would think the glass is half awesome.
    -Jeremy D
    Next time you see a porn star lying on one of those heart-shaped beds, take a minute to remember the human-shaped bed who donated it before it died.
    -Patrick Cassels
    I hear Danny Glover hates to watch himself act in his movies. I never knew we had so much in common
    -Thomas Muir
    Whistling..."
    It's just a louder way of breathing.
    -Charlie Forsell
    Christian Bale: SNL's Greatest Host
    "OK, Christian, we're gonna need you to drop 30lbs for the hobo sketch and then gain 50 for the Batman parody. Also, the green body paint arrived for your Kermit impression."
    -Jennifer Morris
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  • Wednesday, Oct 7 2009

  • Brain Filler

    11 Alternate Dinosaur Extinction Theories

    by Jeff & Patrick October 07, 2009


    For centuries Man wondered what wiped out the dinosaurs millions of years ago. Then a bunch of know-it-all scientists ruined our fun and told us it was probably just a big rock from space. But that hasn't stopped science fiction from offering its own insane theories on what (or what evil alien race) killed off our reptilian predecessors.


    THEORY:
    A meteorite did wipe out most of the dinosaurs, but the impact also created a parallel dimension where they continued to evolve
    THEORIST:
    Super Mario Bros. (the movie)


    What exactly is a koopa? Bowser seems to be a cross between a turtle and a dinosaur, but then what does he want with the human Princess? Controversial issues like these made the story of Super Mario Bros. difficult to adapt. The writers decided that koopas were dinosaurs who had been hiding out in another dimension, and while most had evolved into something vaguely human one had become Dennis Hopper. They were also apparently such big fans of Mario, they insisted that the exposition explaining the scenario be animated using the SNES classic Mario Paint.
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  • Thursday, Oct 1 2009

  • Human Survival Guide

    by Sarah Schneider October 01, 2009
    Some excerpts from the zombie population's answer to the popular book 'The Zombie Survival Guide.'

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  • 105%

    Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Seven

    by 105%-O-Matic October 01, 2009


    Y2K10 Compatible.

    The Commandment Moses "Lost" on the Way Down From Mount Sinai
    11. Thou shalt stone to death he who brought these Commandments down
    -Patrick Cassels
    I got thrown out of my company's annual family picnic, because apparently there are multiple ways to interpret the term "sack race."
    -Conor McKeon
    You Know You're an Alcoholic if...
    ...your bottle-opener-chain has some keys on it.
    -Raj Clark
    I imagine
    If you put a scale upside down on the floor it would just explode under the weight of the world.
    -Alex Roda
    I tried selling drugs to kids but they were too smart. They have someone test coke before they buy.
    -Kevin Beal
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  • Thursday, Aug 27 2009

  • 105%

    Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Three

    by 105%-O-Matic August 27, 2009


    In adequately sharp definition!

    The Moon landing was a hoax. It was actually Mars. We didn't want to brag.
    -Patrick Cassels
    I wasn't a bad wrestler because I lost matches or I couldn't make weight. It was the uncontrollable farting whenever I got pinned.
    -Adam Newman
    I just found out my dad was a huge stud in college. Apparently he banged both the girls across the hall from me during Parents' Day.
    -Conor McKeon
    Z, the last letter in the alphabet, indicates sleep when there are many. Zzzzz. A, the first letter, indicates being very awake. Aaaaaaa!!!
    -Shawn Pearlman
    Rule of Thumb
    It's not a finger.
    -John Baglio
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  • Wednesday, Jul 15 2009

  • Brain Filler

    Ten Original Singles Way Better than the Movies they Came From

    by Jeff & Patrick July 15, 2009


    When good music meets good movies, it's a beautiful thing. When great music meets terrible movies, it's a hilarious thing. Here are 10 classic singles originally written for 10 not-so-classic films.

    Stevie Wonder, "I Just Called to Say I Love You"
    (from The Woman in Red)



    Stevie Wonder's 1984 single has become such a ubiquitous expression of everyday love, its impossible to imagine the song taking any other route than straight from Wonder's smiling head to our 10th-grade Valentine's Day mix CDs. But the uncomfortable reality is that the tune was first played as a 50-year-old Gene Wilder lusted after a 25-year-old Kelly Lebrock. The Woman in Red was supposed to be the 10 to Gene Wilder's Dudley Moore, and Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You" was supposed to be the kind of lighthearted song that makes audiences forget the quarter-century age gap between their on-screen lovers.


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  • Wednesday, Jul 1 2009

  • Brain Filler

    12 Television Characters We Never See (Even Though They Were On TV)

    by Jeff & Patrick July 01, 2009


    Since Samuel Beckett's "Waiting For Godot," the characters we don't see have been far more powerful than the ones we do. We've never seen Waiting For Godot and never go to the theater, so we looked at Wilson, Nanny, and 10 other TV personalities everyone knows, but nobody recognizes.

    George Steinbrenner, Seinfeld
    Many of TV's never-seen characters serve as omnipotent gurus whose baritone voices provide much-needed wisdom, like explaining to Tim why his wife's mental health is more important than the Detroit Auto Show. But nobody in Seinfeld's twisted New York was this rational -- not Jerry's neurotic best friends, not the fascist soup proprietor down the street, and certainly not the show's resident unseen force: New York Yankees owner (and boss of George Costanza) George Steinbrenner, whose nasally, scratchy voice (provided by series co-creator Larry David) offered George less advice, and more endless diatribes on the best place to sit in a hot tub and the many virtues of the calzone.
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  • Friday, Jun 19 2009

  • iPod Ads Through History

    by Patrick Cassels June 19, 2009
    Apple's famous, minimalist mp3 player ads have proven so effective, one wonders how the music playing devices of yesteryear managed to get sold. If only Mozart had thought to use these ads -- then he'd be TRULY important. (Illustrations by Breanna Goodrow.)
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  • Tuesday, Dec 9 2008

  • 105%

    Issue Eighty-Nine

    by 105%-O-Matic December 09, 2008


    Santa's not real -- he's just so phony.

    So I got this new bumper sticker that I really like. It reads, MY ONLY CAR IS MY BIKE. I went to put it on and realized I had a problem: I have no hands.
    -Ben Kessler
    I thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.
    -Andrew Roth
    If I had a live karaoke band, I wouldn't tell people I had a live karaoke band. I would just say we've been auditioning front men for over twenty years.
    -Mike Drucker
    I think every poison should be named after the largest thing it can kill. So instead of "Rat Poison" it should be "Human Poison." And instead of every other poison, it should be "Human Poison."
    -Amir Blumenfeld
    How many illegal immigrants does it take to build an office park?
    Damned if I'm gonna find out! U-S-A, U-S-A!
    -David Angelo
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  • Tuesday, Dec 2 2008

  • 105%

    Issue Eighty-Eight

    by 105%-O-Matic December 02, 2008


    The future is... nnnnowwww. Now. Now!

    The only good thing about the recession is that I no longer feel guilty about majoring in English. Now I won't get a job after graduating no matter what my major is.
    -Eddie Small
    T.G.I.F.
    Thank Gregorian It's Friday, the inventor of the modern calendar.
    -Brian Shott
    On House M.D., there's always someone running behind
    The elevator door never closes the first time.
    -Phil H
    My friend told me about how he tried to commit suicide by taking 20 Advils. Doesn't he know that he could've just taken 4 Aleves?
    -Thomas Chiappone
    Morkat Kombat vs. DC
    If I want to see Sub-Zero fight Batman, I don't need a video game -- I'll just close my eyes.
    -Thomas Muir
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  • Tuesday, Nov 25 2008

  • 105%

    Issue Eighty-Seven

    by 105%-O-Matic November 25, 2008


    The creamed onions to the Internet's Thanksgiving.

    How sad is it that the best dog actors only get to work with the worst human ones?
    -Will Guth
    New plot for a Jason Statham movie
    If his character does not kick enough ass in an hour and a half, his movie will suck really bad.
    -Brendan McCarthy McCarthy
    What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
    -Tom Walker
    Chinese Democracy
    It took Axl Rose 15 years to release his new album. But anyone who's a big enough Guns N' Roses fan to be upset has probably achieved even less since then.
    -Patrick Cassels
    If you think that taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is hard, just remember how hard it was for your 8th birthday.
    -Duke Studworthy
    For some reason I always experience stagefright whenever I pee in public. Which is bad news for me, and even worse news for the people in the front row of the theatre.
    -Conor McKeon
    Why is it called "legally drunk" if you can get a ticket?
    -Phil Watson
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  • Tuesday, Nov 18 2008

  • 105%

    Issue #86

    by 105%-O-Matic November 18, 2008


    Brought to you by James' Bond, the world's most exciting financial guide.

    My Grandmother just turned 84 last week. I sent her a birthday card with a check for $10 in it.
    -Kevin S.
    How come when a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute?
    -Zach McGrath
    All statues are of people riding a horse, and waving a sword. In the future will all statues be of people in cars, waving a sword?
    -Matt Vita
    My dog's daily planner
    1. Sleep
    2. Sit on human's face to wake it up
    3. Lick own genitalia
    4. Sleep
    5. Poop....a lot.
    6. Sleep
    7. Bark at nothing
    8. Poop in the house
    9. Lick own anus.
    10. Stare at human until it gives me food
    11. Poop
    12.Sleep
    -Conner Kerrigan
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  • Tuesday, Nov 11 2008

  • 105%

    Issue #85

    by 105%-O-Matic November 11, 2008


    Good to the last drop, at which point it becomes excruciating.

    If Waldo is always trying to hide why doesn't he wear clothes that don't stand out as much?
    -Derek Husar
    Politically Correct
    This must be how white people felt when George Washington became President.
    -Tim C
    What's the point of daylight savings? It seems like such a waste of time.
    -John Doll
    My ex-girlfriend was the kind of girl who could "stop traffic", especially given her low body mass and propensity to argue near busy intersections.
    -Conor McKeon
    Not-quite-good advice
    Friends don't let friends drink, and drive.
    -Patrick Cassels
    3 Reasons to skip math classes
    1: You can do all this on a calculator 2: You'll never use this unless you're a math teacher
    -Quinn Dougherty
    The hook to Katy Perry's less-popular single
    "I Kissed a Girl, But Then I Realized That Bisexual Experiences Probably Weren't For Me "
    -Jesse F
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  • Tuesday, Nov 4 2008

  • 105%

    Issue #84

    by 105%-O-Matic November 04, 2008


    Kid tested, FDA approved

    My friend said my new goatee made me look like a pedophile. Which is ridiculous, those charges were dropped.
    -John Von Gunten
    Whenever I see on the news that the police call off the search for a missing person, it always upsets me. Because that means that there's a chance that someone out there is far better at hide and go seek than I'll ever be.
    -Conor McKeon
    Freshmen girls are a lot like prostitutes...only they get paid in life lessons.
    -Guy R.
    Abbot and Costello Go to an Actual Baseball Game
    "Who's on first?""Ryan Howard"
    -Mike Bartlett
    If so many women are looking for their knight in shining armor, why is the Renaissance Faire filled with virgins?
    -Patrick Cassels
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  • Tuesday, Oct 28 2008

  • 105%

    Issue #83

    by 105%-O-Matic October 28, 2008


    Reading this while smoking may cause lung disease.

    Bipolar movie review
    "I laughed! I cried! Then I went and saw the movie!"
    -Patrick Cassels
    My father had a huge heart. The doctors think that's why it exploded out of his chest.
    -Ben And Adam
    I decided to keep a running diary during my sophomore year of college, but I got hit by a car pretty soon after I started. So I decided to keep a sitting in my room by myself diary. Then I got hit by another car, so I just stopped keeping diaries altogether.
    -Conor McKeon
    Even though both of my parents are dead, no one really calls me an orphan. They usually call me a murderer.
    -Gabe L
    How come every man who "advertises" himself in the bathroom stall has a "10 inch hard c*ck?" If I had HALF that much, I'm sure I would have NO problems getting laid!
    -Dave Theriot
    I hate when the T.V. tells me to go see High School Musical 3 Senior Year, because frankly, I just don't think I can wait that long.
    -Blake Stuck
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Patrick Cassels Purchase College

About Me

I was a forward for the Celtics from '78 to '92, once scoring 20 points...

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