CollegeHumor: User 101226's Articles

CollegeHumor: User 101226's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794819 The Second Thanksgiving Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794819 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

"I thought we asked you to bring the cranberry sauce."

Every American knows the story of the First Thanksgiving, when the Wampanoag Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and the two peoples celebrated with a feast. Lesser known is the "Second Thanksgiving." Like most Holidays, there was a lot of aggression..

GOVERNOR BRADFORD: (raising a glass) ...And so I'd like to propose a toast to another feast of Thanksgiving, and to our good neighbors, the Wampanoag.

CHIEF MASSASOIT: We are happy to see you have prospered these last 12 months. In fact, we've noticed there are more of you this year. A lot more.

GOVERNOR: Indeed, new boats from the Old World are landing every day.

CHIEF: So then you're all here to stay? Or...?

GOVERNOR: Of course! Come now, what foods have your people brought?

CHIEF: Nothing. You guys built a city where we used to grow our crops, remember?

GOVERNOR: (under his breath) I thought we weren't going to get into this at dinner.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-23 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 108 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794665 Every Part of the Buffalo Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794665 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-19 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 173 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794560 The Wisdom of King Solomon Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794560 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

KING SOLOMON: We will cut the baby in half!

MOTHER: No, don't harm the child! I'd rather lose it than see the baby killed.

GUARD: Surely, she must be the true mother to care for the baby so! (to King) You are wise, King Solomon! (calling) Have the next subject come forward with his case.

A Farmer enters.

FARMER: Your Highness, I cannot feed my family. My cow is sick.

KING SOLOMON: (thinks) We will cut the cow in half!

FARMER: Forgive me, your Highness. But how would that help, exactly?

GUARD: Do not question the King's wisdom. Next case!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-12-02 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794355 Classic Titles Made Sarcastic With Quotation Marks Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794355 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-12 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 335 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791640 Mike Sacks: A Very Unfunny Talk About Very Funny People Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791640 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

In these bleak modern times, even a book devoted to comedy isn't without it's dark side. Mike Sacks's And Here's the Kicker, in which the Vanity Fair writer interviews 21 humorists (including Bob Odenkirk, Harold Ramis and David Sedaris) is decidedly serious, dissecting not only comedians' work and lives as pro joke-tellers, but their fears and anxieties, too. Mr. Sacks spoke with CollegeHumor about these grimmer aspects of comedy, including serial killers, chronic loneliness, and how telling a joke can be a lot like a diagnosing a disease.

Even though you talked to dozens of funny writers in researching this book, it aggressively favors analysis over jokes. Was there a lot of goofing around on either end of the interviews?
Definitely not. They were all serious. And they appreciated the fact that I didn't want them to be clowns. You know, just because you can write funny doesn't mean you're "on." In fact, usually it means just the opposite.

What determined the kinds of questions you did wind up asking?
It was just basically avoiding the questions they'd been asked a million times. In a lot of cases I'd come across one reference to something [in my research] and it was never mentioned again, but it was fascinating. When I interviewed Marshall Brickman, who co-wrote Annie Hall and Manhattan, I read close to 30 interviews, and in this one interview he mentioned that he almost attended Sharon Tate's house the night of the Manson Murders.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-23 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777920 iPod Ads Through History Fri, 19 Jun 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777920 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Apple's famous, minimalist mp3 player ads have proven so effective, one wonders how the music playing devices of yesteryear managed to get sold. If only Mozart had thought to use these ads -- then he'd be TRULY important. (Illustrations by Breanna Goodrow.)

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-19 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 353 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777181 Benny Hill's Bobby Cops File Their Police Reports Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777181 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-08 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 140 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764117 Kevin Smith: An X-Rated Primer Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:10:12 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764117 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> #film p#intro { margin: 0 0 20px; font: italic 12px verdana; } #film .fm_vid { margin-bottom: 25px; } #film .fm_vid h5 { font: bold 14px arial; } #film .fm_vid p { margin: 0; } #film .fm_vid .fm_obj { width: 480px; height: 360px; }

Long before The 40-Year-Old Virgin made films about horny underachievers an acceptable cinematic genre, Kevin Smith was the immature American movie-going male's primary source of highbrow dick jokes. Smith's latest film, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, may seem like a grand experiment of Smith's in X-rated transgression, but an overview of the director's long and delightfully vulgar career shows us that Kevin Smith has been making audiences cringe for as long as he's been making them laugh.

Clerks

Smith's notoriously cheap black-and-white debut may be visually low-key, but the director's pornographic sensibilities were well under way from the moment he yelled his first "action." In the clip below, 14 years before Smith would devote an entire film to the adult entertainment industry, a sex-obsessed video store proprietor named Randall places the most vulgar order of VHS cassettes in home video history:

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 69 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1761142 Back-to-School: A Video Primer Mon, 25 Aug 2008 16:49:15 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1761142 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 47 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760798 Late Registration Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:58:30 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760798 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

James Curtis, PhD.
Dept. of Humanities

Dear Prof. Curtis,

It has come to my attention that your English 212 course, "Mark Twain and the American Spirit," has been filled for the Fall 2008 semester. Unfortunately, I require your class in order to graduate before the Spring, and (through NO fault of my own) failed to register in time. Would it be possible to fit me in at this point? As a father of 3 soon-to-be high school graduates, I'm sure you can understand the seriousness of this situation.

I understand the necessity of strict deadlines in a busy college system. However, failure to graduate by May would force me to enroll in a summer course and move into an off-campus apartment, such as old Ms. Garrett's basement room on 330 Hibiscus Lane. While this room would of course be less than the mortgage you pay on your house on that very same street, you can respect the financial strain high rents would place on a part-time student -- even one without three lovely daughters to raise. And protect.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 84 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758466 Lou Bega Doesn't Mind If You Illegally Download His Music Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:31:04 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758466 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Buenos dias, my legions of young fans. It is I, Lou Bega, the Latin sensation that set the music charts en fuego in 1999 with "Mambo No. 5." Back then, there wasn't a station in all of America that wouldn't spin my Calypso rhythms at least 3 times each hour, BURNING the lyrics into your brains like so much habenero sauce on your virgin tongues. Now, I have made my triumphant return to support my fans in their revolucion against the record companies over this, how you say, "file-sharing," and to say that I, Lou Bega, give America my blessing to download my music all it wants.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-03 15:31:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755597 God, According to Indiana Jones Wed, 21 May 2008 15:31:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755597 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Raiders of the Lost Ark

GOD: Moses, you will take these 10 Holy Commandments down to the Israelites, so that my laws may be obeyed.

MOSES: Thank you, my Lord.

GOD: You will then seal my Commandments in a sacred ark, where they will be protected.

MOSES: But what if someone should try and open it?

GOD: Then I shall melt their faces.

MOSES: I'm... I'm sorry, my Lord. What was that?

GOD: Scary ghosts shall pop out, and I shall melt their faces. Just melt them right off, my son.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-21 15:31:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 610 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755104 Jack Handey Mon, 12 May 2008 16:04:39 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755104 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

As the name behind Saturday Night Live's short-but-hilarious "Deep Thoughts," writer Jack Handey has become synonymous with the art of the bizarre one liner. Since leaving SNL (where he also wrote several memorable sketches, including "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer") in 2002, Handey has contributed humorous essays to The New Yorker, and in April, published What I'd Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats, a collection of his writing. Below, he talks with CollegeHumor about comedy and car-driving felines.

What I'd Say To The Martians includes both essays and Saturday Night Live scripts. Are either of these formats more difficult than the other?
Both are hard. To me, the best humor pieces are written from the point of view of a specific character. So when you're thinking of ideas, you think about what your character would be interested in, what he could pontificate about. In TV, you're just trying to come up with a funny ideas. Also, in TV you're thinking visually. I do, anyway. I try to think of a funny image, and then what might explain that funny image.

For sheer writing, doing a humor piece is probably more difficult. But physically, TV really wears you out. Saturday Night Live, anyway. There the writers produce their own pieces, so you have to make sure the sets, props, sound effects, etc., are right. By the after-show party, you're ready for that beer.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-12 16:04:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 45 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751615 10 Two-logies That Should Have Been Trilogies Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:43:36 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751615 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> .tri_article h4 { font: bold 20px arial; text-align: center; }.tri_article div.tri_img { width: 480px; height: 250px; margin: 5px auto; }.tri_article p { text-align: justify; margin-bottom: 20px; }.tri_article p.tri_intro { font-style: italic; text-align: center; }

Meat Loaf once said that "two out of three ain't bad." But if Hollywood can have the audacity to give us three "Shrek"s, four "Lethal Weapon"s, and "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow," they can certainly complete the following uncompleted trilogies.

"Escape from New York" and "Escape From L.A."

There are over 15 thousand cities in the United States. Why has Kurt Russel's one-eyed convict "Snake" Plissken only escaped from two of them? Why not "Escape from Pittsburgh?" "Escape from Bismark, North Dakota?" Or "Escape from Newark" (which is already the primary goal of anyone who lives in New Jersey anyway)? Certainly Kurt Russel would be game to dawn the black eye patch once again: "Escape from L.A." is about the closest he's been to Hollywood in the last 12 years.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-21 13:43:36 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 125 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751294 Forgotten Faces of the Indiana Jones Trilogy Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:23:18 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751294 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> .indyjones h4 { width: 480px; text-align: center; }.indyjones h4 em { }.indyjones p { text-align: justify; margin-bottom: 20px; }.indyjones div { width: 480px; margin: 0 auto; text-align: center; margin-bottom: 5px; }

The fourth installment of the Indiana Jones adventures may be first and foremost on fans' minds lately, but that hardly means we should turn away from the unsung heroes, little-known villains, and forgotten faces from the original Jones trilogy.

7-Foot Bald Nazi (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

If you were a German soldier sweating your 7-foot ass off digging through Cairo for some magical chest, wouldn't you take the opportunity to vent some frustration by beating the crap out of a fedora-wearing American trespassing on your airstrip? It's hard to imagine what purpose this mustachioed strongman served before Jones' arrival, other than turning Egypt into a 1920's Coney Island freakshow.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-14 16:23:18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 166 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750915 Luke Skywalker's Lost Letters From Dagobah Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:43:02 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750915 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jeff Rosenberg

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-07 17:43:02 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 207 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750887 CollegeHumor on the iPhone (No Biggie) Fri, 07 Mar 2008 11:00:37 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750887 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Good morning, everyone! Couldn't help but notice you eyeing up my sick new iPhone. Just picked it up at the SoHo App' last week. No biggie fries. Although it is pretty much the pino noir of mobile telecommunications. To be honest, I'm almost sick of talking about its endless features. Almost.

My timing couldn't have been better, it turns out: CollegeHumor just started a new mobile site specifically for the iPhone, allowing owners of the Apple device (including me, who owns an iPhone. Did I mention this?) to watch their favorite videos, view their favorite pictures, and read their favorite articles -- anytime, anywhere.

Whether I'm crusin' my custom Segway to spinning class, rocking some intense cardio at Crunch, or moving some euros around on the ol' eTrade account (fyi: Orange futures are THROUGH THE ROOF. Thank you, global warming! You just paid for my kids braces!), CollegeHumor is on my phone, ready to make me laugh. It's like having Larry the Cable Guy (BEST COMEDIAN EVER) in my pocket at all times.

So next time you're on one of your iPhones (I have nine), be sure and check out CollegeHumor's Mobile Page. I'll be logging on tonight, while I'm hanging out with a certain SUPERSTAR named Mr. Vin Diesel (we go to the same dentist).

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750651 Bad Cinematic Bands Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:01:49 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750651 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> #bad_bands h5 { font-size: 18px; text-align: center; margin: 15px 0 5px; }#bad_bands em { font-style: italic; }#bad_bands p { margin-top: 5px; }

Even the movies have their share of crappy rock groups.

The Pinheads, Back to the Future

Before he drove a plutonium-powered sports car into the 1950s (and eventually into therapy over his teenage mother's seduction of him), orange-vested time traveler Marty McFly was your typical 1980s California youth: playing sub-standard Huey Lewis covers as the lead guitarist of a rock band, The Pinheads. Rather than writing their own songs, the Pinheads choose to awkwardly inject existing hits with Van Halen-esque guitar solos while violently kicking over amplifiers. McFly introduces these sounds to 1955 with a Halen-like tribute to "Johnny B. Goode," making him essentially responsible for the eventual rise of glam metal.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-03 16:01:49 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 46 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750280 The Memoirs of Buckethead Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:58:34 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750280 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Few musicians personify the insanity of rock n' roll better than Guns N' Roses' masked guitarist, known simply as "Buckethead." Yet the following excerpts from the reclusive musician's memoirs paint a portrait of an artist very different from the man known best for wearing a KFC container on his head.

Ah, dear Journal! It is to you I run once again as my musical purgatory continues. What torment I am in! Each night, forced to perform like some minstrel before a stadium of utter morons. I am Prometheus, and the audience the dreaded vulture waiting to tear out my liver as I arrive in Nassau, in Scranton, in Sacramento, to lend my talents to the pandering songs of some bandana-wearing American hayseed.

If only they knew, dear Journal! If only they knew what mad, glorious genius brewed beneath this upturned bucket of KFC. For what once contained a dozen pieces of Colonel Sander's extra crispy now contains glorious symphonies, Baroque concertos, Italian operas of such beauty that Zeus himself would shed a tear. And all of them, unheard! Unappreciated! Pushed aside so the brainless philistines of rural New Jersey can hear their precious "Sweet Child o' Mine."

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-25 13:58:34 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 42 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749705 Ben Karlin: Funny Valentine Wed, 13 Feb 2008 14:47:15 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749705 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Lonely this Valentine's day? Ben Karlin feels your pain. As the editor of Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me, the former Emmy-winning executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and co-creator of its sister program The Colbert Report turns his focus from the political to the personal, collecting hilarious-yet-touching essays on ill-fated relationships from various well-known writers, comedians, musicians, and a former U.S. Senator. CollegeHumor recently spoke with Karlin about the book, Valentine's Day, and the comedic merits of getting kicked in the nuts.

What's your opinion of Valentine's Day? Sweet-natured holiday or Hallmark scheme?
All I know is St. Valentine died for our sins and we honor him by eating chocolate shaped like a bunny. If that doesn't make you weep, I don't know what will. I should mention I was home-schooled.

Do you consider yourself romantic?
I consider myself romantic in the worst possible way. Like, hopeless and pathetic and pie-in-the-sky, not "romantic carriage ride through Central Park while 'That's Amore' is playing somehow in the background." My romanticism is rooted in the impossible and unknowable and I am basically damned to life of eternal disappointment because of it. Piece of advice: Saying the above does NOT work as a pick-up line.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/b/collegehumor.bf47a312f8c3b3d327c1333b4268bdca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-13 14:47:15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:101226">Patrick Cassels</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:857"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 22 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />