Dear Mr. Thomas "Tommy" Wilder,

I have received reports indicating that you have violated at least seven summer housing policies. Your alleged behavior infringes upon the Summer Housing Code of Conduct (2008 ed.), which prohibits:

   "4. Sloth, including (but not limited to) the failure to maintain adequate hygiene, wash one's own garments, and/or wake up before 1:00 pm. Neglecting to do dishes, mow the lawn, take out the garbage, and/or other tasks that help us to function as a happy family with a cleaner, lovelier home than the McFaddens."

   "7. Quarreling, which includes all instances of purposely directing verbal, physical, or emotional detriment towards your brother and sister. The stealing of remotes, the community computer, and/or the last bowl of Reeses Puffs is strictly prohibited."

   "253. The ingestion of any foreign substance (tobacco, alcohol, and so forth) is forbidden both inside and outside of the home. Furthermore, it's bad for your health. Just look at Uncle Steve. You don't want to turn out like him, do you?"