Tommy Wilder's Articles

1 total in May 2008

  • Cheating by Major

    Mathematics: Carve all of the formulas into the wooden notches of your abacus. Proctors can clear the memory of a TI-89, but they won't take the time to sand down your addition machine.

    English:     Discreetly conceal The Complete Works of Shakespeare under your tattered Pink Floyd hoodie.

    Communication:     Unnecessary. If you really need answers, just ask the guy sitting beside you. Your professor is probably willing to help out, too.

    Theater: Use an understudy and sleep in. This is especially effective if your character wears a mask.

    Philosophy:     Get "enlightened" before the test. Like, enlightened out of your skull. Remember to bring snacks.

    Contra:     Up up down down left right left right B A start

    Business:     Politely remind the professor that you are a scholarship athlete.

    Biology:     Train a parrot to squawk the answers, and bring him to class. Your professor is likely an animal rights activist, so there's no chance he'll remove the bird from the classroom. (Unless it poops, then all bets are off.)

    Elementary Education:     Write the answers on the inside of your 64-color Crayola box.

    Art:     Starve a dog. Paint the answers on its exposed ribs.

    Physics:     Change majors. Seriously, what were you thinking?
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    • Tommy Wilder SUNY Geneseo

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    I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. Or maybe an astronaut.

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