-At the beginning of 2007, my buddy Brian and I created a spreadsheet in which we guessed when each of our four friends in serious relationships would get engaged during the year. Whoever was more accurate would be taken out to dinner by the other. The only rule was that at least two of the four couples had to get engaged for the bet to count. Fast forward twelve months: one couple is engaged, two couples have moved in together but aren't engaged yet, one couple has split up, and all eight participants resent us for wagering on their love lives. Although the bet did not meet the minimum threshold to be deemed valid, I did learn from the experience that trying to predict the year ahead is futile. So let's look back instead. This is my Year in Review.

-The best thing that happened to me in 2007 was that I stopped shaving. I was inspired to do this by my buddy Claudio who works in advertising (which apparently is similar to being a comedian in that appearing clean-cut is optional). Instead of using a blade and shaving cream, he simply uses a buzzer to trim down to stubble, and then lets it grow back out until he trims it again a few days or even a few weeks later. Fucking brilliant. Freed from irritated skin and cutting myself, I now rock stubble 24/7. Plus now I know that if this stand-up thing doesn't pan out, I can always go into advertising.

-Toward the end of the year, my alma mater sends out a manifest of who in my class donated to the school, and at what level they gave. The giving levels have fancy names like "Benjamin Franklin Society," "Ivy Stone Society," and "Other." I always read the list from top to bottom thinking things like, "Can't believe he makes more money than me," "Shoulda dated her," and "What a cheap bastard." I guess nothing engenders school spirit more than jealousy, regret, and spite.

-When I return home to Long Island for the holidays, a huge change awaits me. After twenty-eight years, my parents have finally turned my childhood bedroom into a guest room. The weirdest part occurred this summer when, in preparation for the renovation, I had to empty the room of all my belongings. It was like going back in time as I ripped down Don Mattingly posters, listened to cassette tapes, and played Game Boy. I found some cool stuff " like my first pair of baby shoes and the Young Author Award I won in fourth grade. Unfortunately, though, any amazement I felt about growing up to actually become an author was quickly quelled by the discovery that I own the cassette single of "Rump Shaker."

-This year, I also attended my ten-year high school reunion. The turnout was pretty amazing, and a few people got pretty fucked up which was kinda funny, but the highlight for me was running into my first girlfriend from middle school and meeting her fiance. After all, when we dated for about a week circa 1990, who would have thought that, so many years later, one of us would be embarking on an amazing phase of life filled with thrills and new adventures " and the other would be getting married.

-People in LA don't tip like they do in New York. The end of the year in New York means running around frantically trying to tip every handyman and "porter" that supposedly works in your building. But I asked a few people in my building here in West Hollywood if they tip the maintenance guys and they looked at me like I was insane. Of course, they might have been looking at me like that because I haven't shaved in a month.

-As always, here are some random things I've been ruminating about lately...

-This year, I noticed a perplexing trend: people assuming that I'm older than I am. A few times in the past couple of months, I've asked people to guess how old I am, and they all thought between thirty-two and thirty-five, though I'm only twenty-eight. Appearing older is not as big a deal for guys as it is for girls, so I'm not too concerned. It's probably just because I carry myself in such a mature fashion (when I'm not gambling on friends' nuptials or listening to Wreckx-N-Effect).

-In October, the Ben Stiller movie "Heartbreak Kid" came out and, although I didn't see it, I've been told the last line of the movie is "Fuck me" " the phrase I've been using to close this column since 1997. I only bring this up because another weird trend started happening this year: fans concluding their emails to me by saying, "Fuck you." From the context of the emails, I can now tell that people are merely putting a good-natured twist on my use of "Fuck me." But since this hadn't happened before, the first twenty emails caught me completely off guard. I didn't understand why everyone was so pissed off. Then, in Ruminations #123, I wrote how you should always respond with "Thanks, got it" when someone emails you something important " just so they know you received their message. After I got 1,000 replies to the column that just said "Thanks, got it" I started to wonder why I do this to myself.

-When I'm not being taunted by fans, I love to receive emails about how Ruminations has affected their lives. For instance, there's Jeff in Nebraska, who wrote to tell me how he got pulled over for speeding while reading my column on his BlackBerry in the car. I don't condone such behavior, but I do celebrate it. My personal favorite was probably from Allison in South Carolina, who got shitbombed and convinced her friend to take her to Sonic " where she proceeded to vomit out the window in the middle of the drive-through. The email continues that, as she booted, she actually thought to herself, "I feel like I'm living an Aaron Karo story." Gosh, I'm so proud. And a little nauseous.

-Then there was the couple in Boston that bought tickets to one of my shows, but broke up shortly after the purchase. When the show finally came around, they decided to go together anyway. They then proceeded to get hammerblasted while I was on stage, hooked up afterwards, and are now back together. Call me Cupid. On the other end of the spectrum is the fan I met after a show in Minneapolis who told me he was introduced to my column by his now ex-girlfriend. "Karo," he said to me, "I just got out of a five-year relationship and the only good thing that came out of it was you." OK, now I'm blushing.

-And, finally, in 2007 I had two very interesting experiences at a bar in New York's East Village called Professor Thom's. First, in June, the bar was a stop on the pub crawl I organize for my friends every summer. However, for the first time ever, there was a rain delay and we were forced to stay there way past our allotted time. This generally would not have been a problem, except for the fact that Professor Thom's is a Red Sox bar. They do not like my kind there. I sat quietly in the corner watching the Yankees on a twelve-inch screen while the Red Sox played on ten plasmas. I swore never to return. Then, in September, I returned. Professor Thom's is also a University of Michigan football bar, and although that's another team I couldn't care less about, I was crashing with Claudio, who is an alum and wanted to go watch the game. So we dragged ourselves over to the bar, both rocking five o'clock shadows though it wasn't even noon yet, and began to drink. A few hours later, the game ended and the Michigan faithful began to shuffle out " some even crying. And as I witnessed Appalachian State complete one of the biggest upsets in history, I realized once again how unpredictable life can be. I have no idea what 2008 will bring, but I wish you all health and good fortune. And may you donate enough of that good fortune to make your classmates jealous. Fuck me. 

SUBSCRIBE, READ MORE, OR WRITE YOUR OWN RUMINATIONS AT RUMINATIONS.COM!

So you have left your college town of paper thin walls and $6 all you can drink nights at the bar and have returned to your hometown by now.The first week has past and the nostalgia of drinking in all the familiar places from high school has quickly lost its appeal.Around 12:30 you get your 2nd pitcher at the local bar only to realize its just your three friends, the bartender and the creepy old guy who gets way too hammered, always misses a spot shaving and takes a bicycle home because he’s had one too many dui’s (this man is why you went to college by the way).After your short respite, you are coming up on your first week of your real summer plans.

 Internships:This applies to all engineering, pre-law and business majors.You pretty much hate these guys because they make $14.50 an hour for reading collegehumor; however, they have taken a big step towards adulthood which clearly isn’t what I want this summer, they have a desk and their own phone number.Seriously, they have a landline, who the hell does that anymore?

 What you will end up doing in life:Making 150,000 a year doing something you hate, but you will have a membership to a yacht club and a trophy wife.You’ll have two kids who will grow up to be just like you, also you cheat on your wife with a 10 year younger version of her.

 Study Abroad:Wow, fuck these guys even harder than the engineering majors.This is reserved for all of your friends whose parents have “vice-president,” “investment banker” or “moneybags mcdouchebag” in their job title.This really is a free for all throughout various people attempting the rigorous course load of getting a minor in “insert foreign country studies."

 

What you will end up doing in life:This entirely depends on whether or not you come back from the foreign country with something you didn’t leave with.(e.g. 1-hiv – you will probably end up wasting the rest in a van down by the river only after infecting your high school ex because well, when your hammered at 3 am, priorities really change. 2-dysentery-probably won’t change you life, just wanted to throw in a jab at Stewart, common’ man, you don’t drink the water! 3- a child- who are we kidding, you get a bitch pregnant in a different country, that’s not your problem!

 

Waiting Tables:In high school this field was pretty much open to all, but after a few years of education you quickly learn that only those pursuing degrees in theatre or music are capable of truly providing the service required at a fine dining establishment.

What you will end up doing in life: Waiting tables.

 

Selling Drugs:As far as college students go, most people who sell drugs don’t need the money.There is a good chance they are doing it simply to support their habit (hey man, 125 an 8-ball ain’t cheap).This is someone who is good to have as a friend but giving him a fake name is a plus.

 What they will end up doing in life: 10-20.

*note: this is my first CH article, i’d like some constructive criticism.
**also note: calling me a "cock-gobbling douchebag is not constructive crit."

-Congratulations, Class of 2007, you’re about to get your college degrees!  It’s been two years since I last offered words of wisdom to our nation’s graduating seniors (sorry, Class of 2006, I kinda forgot about you guys).  But, as a proud member of the Class of 2001, I now have six years of post-college experience under my belt – and I’m about to drop some knowledge.  Your days of frat parties and Facebook are over, and your days of martinis and MySpace are just beginning.  Here’s what you need to know. 

-No matter what amount per month you were originally planning to spend on rent, any apartment you actually like will always cost $200 more than that.

-No one in the “real world” has any clue what they’re talking about.  Seriously, about 99.9% of people are talking completely out of their asses at all times.  The successful ones are those that just fake it better than others.

-The more hours your friends work, the more they’ll lie about how much they love their job.

-Twenty-two-year-old girls and twenty-eight-year-old guys are roughly equivalent in maturity level. 

-A college degree doesn’t carry as many expectations as it used to.  For example, Bank of America’s CampusEdge Checking program offers free checking while you’re a student for five years – ostensibly implying that most of us are too fucking stupid to graduate in four.

-It turns out that attempting to cleanse ping-pong balls by repeatedly dipping them into the same cup of tepid water is not hygienic.

-If you plan to rage during the week like you used to in college, try to remember that the people partying alongside you now are actors, comedians, and the unemployed.  They don’t have to get up in the morning.  You’ll be the one vomiting in the office bathroom then trying to play it off to your boss by saying, “I’m fine… must have had a bad spreadsheet or something.”

-No matter how old you are, if you’re at a party and two of your friends start hooking up in another room, knocking on the door and/or listening in are both always completely acceptable.

-I believe that the transition from college to actual society takes about a year.  The first six months are the hardest, at least until you stop thinking your roommate is playing a prank on you every morning when your alarm goes off at 7am for work.  The second six months, you start to get your bearings – you figure out how often you can realistically rage and become resigned to the fact that, in the real world, your monthly cable and Internet bill will always cost way more than seems reasonable.  And by the time the class below you graduates, and you realize in talking with them how much you’ve learned over the past year, that’s when the transition is officially complete.  So, Class of 2007, the clock is ticking.  Your one-year grace period is about to begin.  Be dumb.  Waste money.  Get drunk.  Slack off.  Have fun.  All the graduates that came before you are watching.  Make us proud.

-As always, here are some random things I've been ruminating about lately…

-How come on TV when the character wants to conceal a gun, he always either puts it down the back of his pants or down the front of his pants?  I’m no Jack Bauer, but those two spots definitely make my list of “Last places I would ever put a gun.”

-Also, do you think that when a show requires there to be pictures of one of the characters when they’re younger, they use actual baby pictures of the actor?  Can you imagine showing up at your parents’ house like, “Maaaaa, where’s my Bar Mitzvah album?  In the next episode of ‘Heroes’ they need a picture of me when I’m thirteen.  Don’t worry Mom, I’ll bring it back.”? 

-I’ve noticed lately that on TV they’ll not only bleep out a curse word, but also blur out the person’s mouth who’s saying it.  Though when the gun that the character is carrying in his pants accidentally goes off, I can pretty much deduce what he’s screaming anyway.

-At the same time that censorship of TV shows is growing, it seems as if TV commercials can pretty much say whatever the hell they want.  Some of my favorites:  the Puffs commercial that claims their tissues have a “magical layer” (misleading); the Glad commercial that shows plastic bags dropping from the ceiling in an airplane instead of oxygen masks (unsafe); the Coors Light commercial that shows track and field superstar Michael Johnson racing to a bar to hit on chicks (inappropriate); the commercial for Southern California casino Pechanga that shows a guy stuck in traffic daydreaming and then being served a cocktail while driving (illegal); and, probably my favorite, the commercial for car-buying web site Vehix.com where a bunch of teenagers stop at a light, get out of the car while it’s still running, do a Chinese fire drill, get back in, then make a left into the intersection without even signaling (just plain ridiculous).

-At this point, most college seniors have been through rounds of job interviews that often feature brain teasers about hypothetical situations that are meant to test critical thinking.  To me, there’s only one brain teaser that counts:  if the cops or the administration are about to discover your fraternity hazing its pledges – who are half-naked and covered in dog food – what to do you do?  Think about it…  Answer:  Tell every brother present to quickly get half-naked and cover themselves in dog food, too.  Then you can pass the festivities off as a house-wide event and not hazing.  Foolproof, right?  And to think I only had four years of CampusEdge Checking.

-And, finally, this is also the time of year for grad school graduation.  For business students, it is a bittersweet time, as two years of sitting on their asses doing jack shit is coming to a close.  For law students, it is more of an exciting time, as three years of torture have hopefully resulted in a high-paying job (and usually the first real job they’ve ever had).  And for med students, four years of being shit on and crushed with debt gives way to, well, four more years of pretty much the same thing.  But the difference between college graduates and grad school graduates is that the latter don’t get a grace period.  If you’re an MBA, you should know how much rent and cable is gonna run you.  If you’re a JD, you should know that showing up half-drunk and vomiting in the office could get you disbarred.  And if you’re an MD, you should know that dipping ping-pong balls into a cup of tepid water is not hygienic (though you probably shouldn’t be playing beirut anyway).  Then again, what do I know?  After all, 99.9% of people in the world talk completely out of their asses – I could just be faking it.  Fuck me.

Thanks for reading RUMINATIONS! Be sure to visit www.AaronKaro.com and sign up for my free mailing list to receive RUMINATIONS directly every other Monday. Tens of thousands of people around the world subscribe! You can also find my latest stand-up dates, check out my books Ruminations on College Life and Ruminations on Twentysomething Life, and my new stand-up DVD Recovering Frat Boy. Thanks again!

-Karo

Copyright (c) Aaron Karo. All rights reserved.