Say a guy walks into a bar, or you walk into a bar, or you walk into one of these guys in a bar. Here's a guide to the sort of men you might meet, and what they'll say.

The "bro" bro
How to spot him: He's wearing a button down with stripes, perhaps pink ones to suggest he's confident, yet casual. He's actually neither.

What he'll say: "Hey, it's my frat brother's birthday. But I don't have to stick around him because all ten of my buddies and I just did another round of jagger bombs and I'm wasted. I can leave anytime. Wanna leave?"

The artist
How to spot him: He's wearing a bandana, either casually tied around his neck like a bib, or restraining his overgrown coiffe of curly hair. You like this. He's standing alone with hooded eyes, looking bored (though you secretly hope he's composing a silent song or haiku).

What he'll say: ...

The wayward son
How to spot him: He comes to the bar with a rolling suitcase, though he'll try to play it like it's just an oversized briefcase. After a hefeweizen, he'll let it slip he was supposed to fly to Miami, or some other equally warm state, to visit an ex girlfriend. But after recalling all the reasons why he broke up with her in the first place he decided a night on the road wasn't worth the plane fare. Oh, speaking of nights on the road, he's looking for a place to spend this one.

What he'll say: A lot - mostly more traveling anecdotes that suggests he'd be a great writer for Let's Go! On a Budget, if only he believed in banal activities like jobs.

The part-time MBA student
How to spot him: He's wearing a button down like the bro bro, but he throws a blazer over the top to polish it off. He's suave and polite, and you wonder if he happens to run for president, what dirt you could dig up on him.

What he'll say: "I work all day then go to class at night, you know? During the week I have my priorities straight - I have homework to do and all that. But on weekends, I just let go."

The creeper
How to spot him: He's standing in the darkest corner of the bar or club, sipping the same beer and waving at you for no apparent reason. All night long.

What he'll say: Nothing because he never actually makes an approach.

The DJ
How to spot him: He's the only cool guy in the club on a Saturday night. He mixes Britney and The Killers, and is the best dancer in the house. You're disappointed when you find out he's also gay.

What he'll say after you ask him what's up with the people at this place: "Everywhere you go on a Saturday night is like this, honey. Get used to it."