John Stalking, Accounting: I met Phillip 35 years ago when he was just starting the company and I was a junior intern. Back then, Phil had two hobbies: Women, and whaling. Which makes sense, when you look at his wife. (Crowd erupts in laughter) Honestly, if blubber was money this retirement would have happened the day after Phil got drunk enough to marry that she-walrus. (John makes walrus noises. The crowd is cracking up. Somebody throws John a mackerel, which he catches it in his mouth. Crowd is just going nuts at this point) In all honesty Phil, I love you man, and I'm sad you're leaving. Here's to you, Phil! (John hugs Phil, crowd applauds. Phil's wife politely smiles and claps.)

Bill Stickley, Sales: Groucho Marx once said, "The problem with retirement is that you never get a day off." If you ask me, the problem with retirement is that you won't get 10 hours off every day to escape your massive wife's orbit. She's disgusting, honestly. (Crowd is laughing/applauding) Hey Phil's wife, I wish you were Phil's job and that he was retiring from you. (Another mackerel hits the stage, crowd erupts in laughter) Seriously though Phil, you're a lucky guy and I am going to miss you buddy. (Crowd applauds as Bill and Phil hug. Wife just curves the tips of her lips up, with no will power left to smile a full smile)