We pick things up in the middle of their fight.

Massachusetts: ...Look, I came first, so I'm taking it. It’s better suited for me anyway.

Maine: That's ridiculous.  It works just as well for me as it does for you.  Plus, I'm much, much bigger.  Have you seen my forests?  HUGE! 

MA: Oh, is that how we're deciding things now?  Is your dad going to beat up my dad next?

ME: No, I was just saying...

MA: Well I'm just saying that the port of Boston, just last year, took into over $1,200,000 in textiles and grains.  That's 22% of the nation’s total economy.  What did you bring in?  Some lobsters?

ME: That's uncalled for.

MA: Look.  I was a state before you.  I make more money than you.  I have a larger population.  I'm taking it! 

ME: But I...

MA: NO!  It's mine!  MINE!  Got it? 

Silence

ME: Fine.  I guess I'll just go by ME then...

A Busy dinner party. There are five couples. Don and Miranda, Craig and Samantha, Ryan and Veranda, Sanj and Kristina, and lastly Gron and Gristida. Everybody has arrived except for Ryan. They are all sitting to eat dinner.
 
Gristida: So Veranda, where is Ryan?
 
Veranda: Oh, he's running late. He should be here—
 
Ryan: (arriving) Any second!
 
everybody laughs
 
Sanj: Ryan! Welcome! Can I get you something to drink?
 
Ryan: Is your drinking water poisoned? The answer may shock you.
 
Sanj: Huh? No. It's not... wait, what?
 
Veranda: Oh, sorry. Ryan is a news promo writer. Sometimes he can't quite turn it off after work. Isn't that right, Ryan? (Smiling Sternly) Turn it off though, right now.
 
Ryan: Sorry honey. (kisses her forehead) Anybody else hungry!?
 
Samantha: (coming in with a big bowl) Who wants salad!?
 
Ryan: Do you or does somebody you know have Prostate Cancer? Why some scientists think the cure can be found in a salad, and not in a lab. At 11.
 
Miranda: It's not even 8...

Kristina: Okay! (claps) I am starved! Let's eat.

Reader Poll: What did you give up for Lent?

Overachiever that I am, I decided to be particularly ambitious this year for Lent. In addition to giving up greasy Mexican food and my guilty pleasure, Gawker, I made a vow to forgo sex for the next forty days. I claim temporary insanity.

So far, it's been less than a week and I'm ready to crack. Unless I develop a coke habit immediately, I'm not sure what I'm going to amuse myself with for the duration of February and March.

Day 1: Cleanse.

I wake up hungover, briefly recall the previous night's events, and realize (somewhat distraught) that Mardi Gras was the last hurrah. After a Fat Tuesday filled with booze, boobs, and boys, I am now on the first 24 hours of forty chaste days.

I am already regretting this decision when my friend Adia points to a stain on my comforter. "Um, is that what I think it is?" she asks.

I glance at the telltale spot and shrug, "I honestly don't remember."

"And uh, this?" Adia picks up half of a condom wrapper from the floor.

Well, then. It looks like it's time for some spring cleaning. I may have made a Lent resolution but everywhere I turn, there are a litany of reminders from my error-filled winter. I head to the laundry room. The remainder of Ash Wednesday is spent washing my sheets clean of a season's worth of mistakes.

Dear Eva,

-Will you be Mein (Kampf)?

-Be my valentine and heil love you forever.

-Love me or I'll end you. I f*cking swear to god I'll end your life.

-This Valentines Day I can't bear to be without you (maybe draw a picture of a cute bear?)

-I reich you a lot.

-Our love is pure.

-You've blitzkrieged into my heart.

-I will f*cking kill you if you won't be my valentine. I will f*cking cut out your heart.

I swear to God you guys, she said that. Seriously, you don’t understand how much I need this. Just do this one thing for me, you know I’d do it for you. Check this out.

 
100 likes I get the threesome

 
150 likes and it gets to be with another girl

 
200 likes and I post pictures of it

 
300 likes and she won’t tell people I hit her

 
400 likes and I can have Amir Blumenfeld videotape it

450 likes and Jeff Rubin will videotape Amir videotaping it, and we'll post it on CollegeHumor

 
500 likes and she’ll respect me

 
550 likes and I get anal.