Sometimes the employees of a company are so consistent in the way they perform a certain task, it seems that's how they must have been trained.  Here, without naming names, are these companies' employee manuals...probably.

I have a younger friend who dates a Psychology TA at her school, and she sent me this amazing exchange he had with a student last semester. 

Welcome to class, bitches. I'm your teacher, Zak.  That's Zak with a 'K', not a 'C'. If I even hear you say it the wrong way then I'll break your freakin' arm, got it?

Now, you all know why you're here.  You wanna learn how to become douchebags.  Why?  Because you go out to the clubs, or you go to the gym, and you see all the hot ass chicks flocking to the douchebags, right?

You know why?  Because hot chicks love douche bags, stupid. Look at me, I'm the ultimate douchebag, and you know how many babes I've had?  More than me or my lifting partner Zac with a 'C' can count.  See these hands?  I've grabbed enough fake boobs with these hands to fill my '81 Mustang. I sleep with so many models that I need a shovel to scoop their crusty old make-up out of the sheets.  I find so many hair extensions left in my apartment that I donate them to Locks of Love. 

Since now you know how big of a douche bag I am, I'm going to take a look at all you losers and see how we can turn you into douchebags.

Click on each image to print the awards and stick them on your new hallmates' doors.  That'll make you some friends.

The type of RA you have can either help make or break your first year of college. Luckily, there's an easy way to size up what you're dealing with: their door decoration of choice.

The Stickler: You've been assigned to freshman hall 2C, and what better way to celebrate the fact that 'C' and 'sea' sound the same than with a charming, pun-based ocean theme. Cute, right? WRONG. Not only has your RA used a college hall pun so tired it makes Benicio Del Toro look alert, but your entire dorm looks like Finding Nemo barfed on it. On top of that, those octopuses were cut individually by hand, which means hours upon hours of meticulous scissorwork. Dedication like that can only come from the most hardcore of RAs.

What You Can Get Away With: Nothing. Like the marine animals covering your door, your RA's senses are so heightened that she can sense an illegal hot plate from five rooms over. Her favorite citation to deliver is a noise violation, so unless you can convincingly argue that you and your friends were attempting to recreate the sounds of orcas during mating season, you might as well just throw those speakers away.

Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

I work in a relatively 'scummy' bar. The other day a woman heavily pregnant came to the bar asking for a 'very strong drink'. I calmly asked her if she should be drinking a 'strong' drink rarther than one without alcohol she just replied 'well im drinking for two'.
-Chad, UK

I interned at a police department one summer in college. One day a woman called the office and asked what semen looked like under a black light. When I asked why she needed to know this, she said that she thought her boyfriend was cheating on her and wanted to have him arrested for it.
-Ashley, Michigan State University

Last summer I worked in an office with thirty 45-year-old women.  One day, I overheard my coworker telling another about the woman whose cubicle I inherited.  It turns out that after she was fired, they went through her desk and found the bottom drawer filled with her hair, which she collected over 5 years.  That was the drawer I kept my food in.
-Neil

So I was packing my stuff up to head back to school yesterday and stumbled upon these 5 letters in an envelope that were in this huge suitcase of crap from the end of last semester. I guess I accidentally threw them in my bag in a rush as I was leaving. Anyway, this kid Darren was my roommate in a triple freshman year and me and my suitemates complained about him all the time because he reeked of spoiled milk and rotten ass. One dude even had his dad who's a lawyer write a letter to the administration. On top of it he was antisocial and acted all pervy when our suitemate's girlfriend was around. I wonder if he'll put up a stink about this.

This week on Consumer Corner, I'm giving the big-wigs at Poland Spring, Kraft Foods and General Mills a piece of my mind.  Agree with me?  Click on the image for a printable PDF and send a letter of your own.  Because everyone knows the quickest way to get something done is by being irritatingly repetitive.

Laptop: Hi...hey, would you mind if I...

LANoftheLost: Password?  

Laptop: Um..."L.A.N.o.f.t.h.e.L.o.s.t"?

LANoftheLost: Are you serious?  How stupid do you think I am?

Laptop: It was worth a shot.

LANoftheLost: Beat it, creep.

Laptop: How about you?

RonsAptWifi: Password?

Laptop: No, sorry, I don't have any passwords right now but if you...

RonsAptWifi: Get out of my face, cheapskate. 

Laptop: OK...sorry to bother you. 

Linksys: Hey there.  You look like you could use a friend.  Could you use a friend, baby?

Laptop: I don't have any passwords, OK?

Linksys: With me, sugar, you don't need one. 

Laptop: OK...how much?

Linksys: Baby, this don't cost no money.  I'm priceless, sugar. 

Laptop: How do I know you're for real?

Linksys: Baby, just ask around.  I've been with half the laptops on this block.  I'm wide open, honey. 

Laptop:  I like what I'm hearing.