Marine 1: Did you hear the announcement? We're being reassigned.

Marine 2: What? That's great news! Maybe now we'll finally see some action!

Marine 1: We're being reassigned... to Master Chief's unit.

Marine 2: Oh. Oh, no.

Marine 1: I know.

Marine 2: Are... are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?

Marine 1: Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.

Marine 2: That bastard.

Marine 3 enters

Marine 3: Hey guys, did you hear the news? We're going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!

Marine 1: He doesn't know.

In dorm living, stall choice is always important, but for those of us with irregular bowel situations such as Colitis, Crohn's, IBS, or anyone who suffers chronic mud butt from eating regularly at a dining hall that serves everything with a side of e. coli, the condition of a bathroom stall can be the deciding factor between sweet relief and abject torture. Thus, stall choice becomes crucial.

I realize there are people out there who could drop anchor in the middle of a Brit. Lit. survey course with the same ease and matter-of-fact satisfaction they would take eating a meatball sub. These are the same people who will come into your room and brag about the size.

"Yo dude, you wouldn't believe the deuce I just dropped. You would think it was the first time I'd clean my colon since last semester. Man, it was sick. An elephant would be concerned if he did what I just did. You got to come check this out, bruh." 

To this, I might say something like, "I'm all set."

The same type of person often takes a certain pride that his farts smell "worst than anything you've ever smelled in your entire life." These people won't have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about.

1.) Everything about the plot
2.) My friends are complete douchebags.

Sometimes the Plot Overview is just too long. That's why I suggest the good folks at SparkNotes add a new section: Plot Overview Overview. It doesn't tell you everything that happens in the book; it just tells you what you might remember.

Click to enlarge

• While my mother was looking over my shoulder an an AIM conversation:
  Mom: "What does LMAO mean?"
  Me: "It's an abbreviation"
  Mom: "Let's Make An Omelette?"
  -Chris F.[upload:2515315:small:right:Your parents' viral video.]

• When Gwen Stefani's song "Hollaback Girl" came on, my dad sang what he thought were the words while tapping his fingers and bobbing his head to the beat - "I ain't no Harlem black girl."
  -Christine R.

• My mom bought a Nintendo DS to play Brain Age. After it sat on her desk for about a month, I asked her why she hadn't opened it yet. She said she didn't have the time to install the software.
  - Jon from Toronto

• My oldest brother is in the military and was just on deployment in Iraq for about a year. Using a phone at his base in Baghdad, routered through who knows what monitoring agencies, he would call home every month or so. My mother, being worried and feeling lonely that he had not called in a while, decided to hit 'call back' on the number stored on our caller ID. After some confusion on the other end of how an incoming call came in, my mom said she was trying to reach her son stationed in Iraq. The person responded, "Ma'am, you've reached the Pentagon." A day or so later my brother was scolded by his commanding officer for not keeping in better touch with his mom. Poor kid, fighting for his nation and his mother is still embarrassing him.
  - Devin from Villanova
  

Want to be our Cute College Girl of the Week? If so, request to join the exclusive Cute College Girl facebook group for a chance to win 100 bucks in addition to a free t-shirt and internet fame!

Name: Brianna Kiser

Age: 19

Year: Sophomore

School: Truman State University- You just go to the middle of nowhere and turn right at Where the Hell am I?!

Hometown: Branson, Mo

Major: Communications, and I'm focusing on Journalism!

Favorite Drink: My drink of choice would have to be Red Bull. I'm a wild one, I know. ;)

If I’m trying to get with you, what should I do? Make me laugh. I love to joke around all the time, so if you can tell a better joke than me, ill love it. All I can say is, you get what you give, butt I pretty much just like to have a good time. Also,be confident; but no cockiness or arrogence please.

What should I avoid doing? Hmmmm, I guess like I said, no cockiness!

How fast can you run a mile? When I used to be in track I once ran it in 5:50, but that was like 3 years ago, so I'd say it's gone up to around 8 minutes.

Want some ice cream? No way! Frozen yogurt or nothing for this girl. But if I were gonna get ice-cream, my favorite would have to be Chocolate.

What’s your most embarrassing college moment? Oh god, I have embarrassing college moments every day. But, the worst time was when my friends and I were out and a bunch of guys that we had disgustiungly huge crushes on were hanging out at this house. My friends were not too excited about just barging in uninvited, but I unashamedly told them that is wasn't a big deal and all you have to do in these situations is walk in with "...confidence, like this!" *cue me bursting into their front door where they are all sitting in the living room. Apparently my version of confidence is tripping and falling on my face, because thats exactly what I did...oops.

No cheating, who was the second man on the moon? Easy, Buzz Aldrin... What can I say, I go to the Harvard of the Midwest.

More pictures of Brianna after the jump!

You know how you have one computer for school work and emails and another computer just for hardcore pornography?  Well, things are much the same here at CollegeHumor.  You know the kind of videos we post here – people getting lit on fire, people lighting things on fire, etc – but do you know that we have another site where we post our personal videos?  It's called Vimeo and it's a lot of fun. 

So fun in fact, that Amir and I have been embroiled in a year-long prank war.  Being particularly proud of my last prank I've decided to bring it to you fine readers.  Enjoy me making Amir very, very uncomfortable! 

Name: Becky

Age: 20

Year: Junior. Credit wise, probably a sophomore. 

School: UMass Amherst

Hometown: Hamden, CT

Major: Sociology

Favorite Drink: Anything with an alcohol content.

If I’m trying to get with you, what should I do? Just cut to the chase. Buy me a drink and we’ll be makin-out in no time. You’re also going to have to be strong enough to carry me home later that night. 

What should I avoid doing?  Talking to me if your IQ is below the 100 average. I have little patience for those who cannot grasp my sarcasm. It’s also not an attractive thing when a guy can’t carry on an actual conversation. Oh, and if you call, once is enough. Believe me, if I actually want to hear from you, I’ll call back. I don’t need 6 calls and 10 texts in one hour to remind me that you exist. That’s the girl’s job.

Do you have a boyfriend? Recently single due to irreconcilable differences.

Describe the weirdest dream you ever had: That one day I woke up in the middle of my junior year of college and I suddenly realized that I had accomplished literally nothing with my life. I had no memories, only alcohol-indused blackouts and vague recollections thanks to photographs. My classes weren’t mandatory because I had a #7 party school ranking to maintain and that became a priority. Basically, I was wasting $100,000 of my loving father’s money and the only thing I had to show for it was a lack of brain cells. I soon made this dream into a reality. 

What’s your most embarrassing college moment? Ha. My MOST embarrassing college moment? My life in general is an embarrassment so it would be unfair to choose one moment over another

What’s one fashion statement a guy should never make? The blowout. Barf. So hideous.

How come you never see retarded black people? Wait, is that a serious question?

More pictures of Becky after the jump!

	AMERICAN HISTORY: In 1864, General Sherman marched to the sea, his rifle throbbing and erect. His man-sweat smelling of gunpowder and lust, he penetrated the South… deeper… deeper still. “Scorch my earth,” moaned the South. Sherman’s loins quivered as he killed field after field of luscious, moist livestock, his body shaking with the unspeakable pleasure of destroying the civilian infrastructure.
	STATISTICS: That night, Brandon went down on Juliette N times. He let NH be the number of times she climaxed, realizing that he could, for any N, consider the ratio NH/N. As N grew larger and larger, faster and faster, Brandon was able to "define" the probability Pr(H) as Juliette’s sexual “limit.” As N approached infinity in the equation Pr(H) = limN --> ∞ (NH/N), Juliette's loins melted into his like the wax of a century-lost love candle.
	BIOLOGY: Slowly, Charles began to engage in the wild, passionate dance of digestion. He placed the burger in his mouth, masticating, masticating, faster now, his teeth tearing and crushing, his stomach churning with waves of pleasure. Various chemicals (acid, bile, enzymes and water) caressed the complex molecules, their firm yet tender touch reducing them to simple structures blind with desire. His nutrients moaned, submissive slaves to osmosis. Finally, in a volcanic release that shook his naked body, Charles defecated.
	PHILOSOPHY: Nietzsche thrusted deeper and deeper between the supple legs of Simone de Beauvoir, yelling “Who’s your ubermensch?” Simone lost herself in the heavenly unison of their eager bodies, moaning “Oh, God… oh, God!” as, despite her post-feminist ideology, she made herself flesh under the dominance of the Other’s gaze. “God is DEAD!” screamed Nietzsche, his fingernails digging into her existentialist buttocks as they reached the disillusioning and wholly temporary ecstasy of orgasm. Nietzsche rolled over and lit up a cigarette. “Thus poked Zarathustra,” he said.

Name: Kelly Nicole

Age: 19

Year: Sophomore

School: UW-Milwaukee

Hometown: West Allis

Major: Marketing

Favorite Drink: Anything with Grey Goose, but I’m from Wisconsin so of course I like Miller Lite.

If I’m trying to have sex with you, how should I act? You need to treat me like a princess, make me laugh and be a gentleman.

What should I avoid doing? Being way too forward, and don’t be a cocky asshole. If I want you to come talk to me you’ll know.  

What’s your second favorite type of berry? (Raspberry, Strawberry etc…) What the hell kind of question is that? Second favorite doesn’t matter… My favorite is definitely strawberry.

What’s one thing every guy does that girls hate? I just have to pick one? Farting, burping, itching themselves in public…. 

What’s your most embarrassing college moment?  I had a rough night and ended up passing out. I had class the next day at nine and I woke up late so I throw on some shoes and just headed out the door in my pjs. I walked into class late and everyone looked at me. I figured they were just looking because I was late so I just sat down and thought nothing of it. Everyone kept glancing at me, and finally a girl next to me told me I better go to the bathroom and wash my face. I looked in the mirror and had a purple uni brow and a red mustaches. I didn’t go to that class that often after that.

Do you want to go to Chili’s with me? Depends how good your pick up line is.

Oh. That was it...

More pictures of  Kelly after the jump!

Name:  Ashley Marie

Age: 19

Year: Sophomore

School: Central Michigan

Hometown: Rochester Hills, MI

Major: Communications

Favorite Drink: A large glass of Pinot Grigio please!….gotta keep it classy!

How would you advise a guy to go about trying to get with you:  Be genuine, if you’re honestly interested in me and not some specific body part then I’ll definitely give you a chance. 

What would you advise him not to do/say:  Come up to me and start the most awkwardly boring conversation, I’m going to walk away. Say something extremely cheesy or non-original, I’ll quickly put you in your place!

Do you have a boyfriend: It’s complicated

Can you describe to me the ideal kissing technique: I’m a fan of sensual kissing, keep it slow and smooth with a little tongue…… just because you have a tongue doesn’t mean you have to use it constantly!

What’s your most embarrassing college moment:  After some crazy dancing on the caged platform at Mt. Pleasants Wayside, I had the fabulous idea to use one of the poles to provocatively  slide down onto the dance floor fireman style, but apparently there’s no friction between smooth metal poles and sweaty hands (eww I know) so I ended up smacking my thigh on the edge of the platform and was crippled for 5 mins while my leg turned black and blue!

Do you prefer to cuddle, snuggle, nuzzle or spoon (After I rock your world) I heart spooning

More pictures of Ashley after the jump!

Our simple, safe and sexy plan to get a great work out while you're rubbing one out.

First, balance yourself on the tips of your toes and the top of your head. Make sure to spread your legs wide to create a stable base. With your dominant hand, reach down and pleasure yourself. With your non-dominant hand you may grab your thigh, place it on the floor to steady yourself, or entertain your anus, if that’s your thing.
Muscles Worked