Steve E.'s Articles

2 total in July 2009

Count von Count's Screen Test for Twilight
by Steve E. July 28, 2009

Casting Director: I'm going to have you read the part of Edward, the compassionate vampire, and I'll be reading Bella, his human love interest. This is the scene where they confess their love for each other, so it'd help for you to really bring out the tenderness of the moment. Okay?

Count: Yes. Count can do this.

Casting Director: Alright, then. Let's get started. You have the first line.

Count: (in a loud operatic voice) Look! It's twilight! My favorite time of the day.

Casting Director: Yes. And soon the stars will fill the sky.

Count: I love the stars more than almost anything. BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY TO COUNT! AH AH AH AH AH! ONE STAR! TWO STAR! FIFTY-NINE STARS! AH AH AH AH AH!

Casting Director: ...Hmm. Why don't you try to read it straight through without any improvisation, and then maybe we'll do a second reading.

Count: Yes, of course. My apologies. From the beginning?
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Guide to a Recession-Proof Summer
by Steve E. July 06, 2009

Poverty's gone Megazord, and cash is hard to come by. Whatever job you had last summer has now been taken by someone older and sadder. What's worse, your friends all spike their hair and wear those cool MMA shirts, and thus have no reason to hang out with you, because you wear Sketchers and still can't really say your Rs right. And if things weren't bad enough, you live in the Midwest, which means there is corn instead of fun things to do. Luckily there exists a guide to having a decent summer for broke people without many friends. This is it.

Take Up Blindness

Just throwing it out there, but maybe people pity the blind too much. True, not being able to look at stuff sucks a lot of the time -- you can never go skateboarding, and you might marry a transvestite on accident. But in all actuality, America loves blind people. Think of all the famous ones: Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, most blues singers, American Idol guy, Abigail Breslin with her eyes poked out, Mr. Magoo, and more. If you're blind, people will go out of their way to keep you happy. They'll take you places, have phone conversations with you for no money, and they'll do what it takes to keep your spirits high. Heck, with labor laws in your corner, you might even be able to find a job. And though you might be ethically bankrupt, at least you'll have some extra cash to buy Slurpees.

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Steve E.'s Articles

Count von Count's Screen Test for Twilight

Guide to a Recession-Proof Summer

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