Back in 1992 a young actor (who had only a handful of appearances on Roseanne on his resume) hired a famous independent filmmaker to direct a feature length film starring only him.

The Result: Ocean.

A Film by Steven Soderbergh starring George Clooney. It was never released in theaters, but instead held in the private archive of one Mr. Clooney.

Fast forward five years later and the man who once made Sex, Lies, and Videotape can't get a movie of the ground and George Clooney is the biggest television actor this side of Roseanne Barr.

Sure, he was the biggest television star on the planet. Sure, he had hundreds, literally hundreds draft of the Peacemaker written to his specifications. Sure he could fuck any woman on the planet, but that just wasn't enough. George Clooney felt as if something was missing.

And it was. It was

He had a story burning deep inside of him that he wanted to whole world to hear. A story that he just needed to ACT. At the end of production on Ocean George broke down and cried. His character of Danny Ocean had come so far and was making a name for himself in the world of crazy heists and mixed up gambling uh-ohs. But had he come so far enough? Was the quest of Danny Ocean complete. NO. The quest of this character - would not, could not ever end. He's like that Rip Van Winkle guy. He lives forever.

Danny Ocean is the kind of guy who had literally infinite stories to tell. He is the kind of guy who brought his friends along on all kinds of wacky adventures. Hold on, back up the truck. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Friends is a couple of years down the line. This is the kind of guy who brings his friend (singular) on all sorts of wacky adventures. That's it. Ocean gets a partner - that's the plot to the sequel. Clooney's back baby!

1997 showed the limited release of Oceans Two. This was a landmark year for Matt Damon. Not only did it the mark the release of Oceans Two and The Rainmaker he also received his first Big Break by winning a Ben Affleck for co-writing Good Will Hunting with future movie star, Oscar.

I first saw the sequel to Ocean at the New Beverly Theater in a double bill retrospective with Oceans Three. I was blown away by two, but less than impressed by the third venture.

Don Cheadle is not a movie star. I'm going out on a limb to say this. But i believe it, so I'll repeat it. DON CHEADLE IS NOT A MOVIE STAR. I am really glad that his role has been downplayed in the later films. It was a big mistake to cast him as the LEAD (over Clooney and Damon? Yup.) in Oceans 3. Its called "Oceans" it should be about Ocean, Danny. Danny Ocean. Cheadle was a big mistake, but I understand the reasoning. Apparently, and I read this on wikimedia (so it could (but probably isn't) be bullshit) that Clooney had the script written for himself, but had to back out when he got offered Batman Forever.

Soderbergh was not pleased with the result of the third film and decided to take a year off from the franchise. On his vacation he made two films and they both won directing Ben Affleck's. I thought Traffiic was good, but the other one,was a real snoozer.

Oceans Four and Oceans Five - On these two films Soderbergh invented the concept of shooting two sequels back to to back. He had a very specific reason for wanting to do this. With each Ocean's film they added a new character, and he and Cloons had a vision of two beautiful characters. So the plan was to release them at the same time, and thus justify the splurge.These two characters are two brothers: Virgil and Turk Malloy. Scott Caan, son to James Caan and Casey Affleck, younger brother of Oscar. Soderbergh had landed the two biggest celebrity family members this side of Orange County.*

*Jack Black is the son of Chris Rock (better known as Chris Black by his White fans) . Colin Hanks is the daughter of Tom Hanks. Schuyler Fisk is the sister of Sissy and Kevin Spacek, and director Jason Reitman has a famous daddy, maybe you've heard of him? Yup. Lawrence Kasdan - writer of The Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and MUMFORD! That is a cast full of celebrity family members. It seems like all we're missing is Chris Penn, Billy Baldwin, Adam Baldwin, Steven Baldwin, and Daniel Baldwin.

Sorry for the aside, back to OCEANS FOUR AND FIVE. Clooneys back (YAY) Cheadle stays (as per a contractual dispute). the Turk Brothers are the best characters yet, and they stay that way. I mean have you seen Oceans Thirteen? I have. Yes. They're funnytastic. They're double joke funny.

I do really like one moment in Oceans Five where Don Cheadle is like "show me the money." They totally do a callback to that in Oceans Thirteen. And that is why that scene is funny, not because he's wearing an American Jumpsuit and talks like a hick, but because it's a callback. I mean who doesn't laugh at a callback.Oceans Six is just okay. We get the addition of that asian guy who jumps through shafts and shit (YAWN)

Seven - BERNIE MAC. BERNIE MAC. My friend Dan swears that this is the best one. I say its tweleve. He says its seven. Seven is almost half the number that twelve is, so it must be almost half as good. HAHA! Fuck you!

EIGHT - Haven't seen it. Don't intend to.

NINE - They add Andy Garcia in this one. But the best part is that he becomes a Villian -- not as one of the gang. So instead of one addition they get to have two. So they add a brilliant performer that I've never seen before. His name is Elliot Gould. Who knew that Jews were funny???? WHO KNEW????

Andy Garcia plays a bastard in this one. Have you seen Unleashed??? The Jet Li film. Remember how mean that guy from Roger Rabbit was? Yeah, Andy totally plays it just about that mean.

When he returns two films later - he really pussies up the performance.

OCEANS TEN - is the first film to be released only on betamax. Soderbergh took a gamble it didn't pay off - we can't hold that against him. We just have to all go out and buy Betamax players in order to see this beautiful, beautiful film.

(or just go download it off bittorrent)
(http://www.torrentspy.com)
(trust me, it's legit)

This film tanked. The Betamax gamble almost singlehandedly brought down Paramount. So in retaliation, they dropped the Oceans guys. All ten actors, Andy Garcia, and multiple Ben Affleck winner Steven Soderbergh were now out on the street. Shopping around their vision for an eleventh film.

They flounder for about a half a year, sleeping on people's couches, crashing with their folks, until May 2001, when the studio execs from Warner Brothers swooped in to save the day (much like Bill Murray and Wayne Knight in Space Jam). May I suggest them as actors for Oceans Fourteen and Oceans Fifteen. (Much like four and five, these could be filmed and released consecutively) Just a suggestion!

We all know oceans eleven, twelve (the best one), and thirteen - those were huge commercial hits - and added the likes of Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, and Super Dave to the ranks of the Ocean gang.

Let's hope they keep on going forever.

I want to see Oceans 28 one day. I mean - who doesn't? 28 Oceans Later?

Heres a promise I make to you Danny Ocean and Steven Soderbergh. You keep making them, I'll keep watching them.

That's a Kurt Kroeber guarantee.












Wait, it's a remake? Why didn't you tell me? Now i look like a fucking moron.