Andy's Articles

Oh no, its happening again! Why? I don't get why we have these things. I bet girls have it easy. Apparently they just pee out of their buttholes because Ricky Jones, he's like, the coolest kid in school, snuck into the girls bathroom and said they all pee sitting down. Well what am I supposed to do? I cant pee now. It would go everywhere. There's got to be some mathematical equation for this. It just doesn't make sense. Its so...soft all the time and then, boom, hard.
What I really don't get is what this does? What can I do with this besides feel like an idiot? Maybe there's some kind of keyhole I can open when it's like this. Ugh, why even bother with it. I bet it'll last until lunch this time. I really shouldn't have worn sweatpants today. But, wait. Hmm, its seems that if I position it upward, I can tuck it in the waistband and it becomes somewhat invisible. Alright, I'm liking this. I can walk around all day like this. No one will notice.
Oh. Its getting softer. Softer. Hard again. Softer...

...Hard again.

Its Friday night in (INSERT TOWN HERE) at (INSERT SCHOOL HERE). What are your plans?

A) Pre-game in a friend’s room and call other people to see where the party is?
B) See that play you need to write a review on for your Intro to Theatre class?
C) Show up at a frat party you weren’t invited to?


If you chose “A”
You head over to (INSERT FRIEND’S NAME HERE) room and break out the Natty. There’s a few people in there, you watch a little ESPN, call some girls and see where they’re at. One of your friends asks you which Lacoste shirt looks better on him. After you got a good buzz going on, you get a call from a girl you want to hook up with. She tells you a list of things people are doing tonight. You say that she should come back to your room to see your (GUITAR/MOVIE/PENIS ETC). She agrees and in 15 minuets, she’s there. But, she’s pretty drunk. She stumbles over your things, knocks your guitar of its stand and pukes a little on the rug. She starts to pass out but luckily a friend comes and takes her off your hands. You think, “No problem, I’ll just go back to (INSERT FRIENDS NAME HERE) room and party”. But your friends have already left. “Fuck it” you say as you pop open a lukewarm Natty and watch “Drumline” on TBS…while you jerk off.

If you chose “B”
You head over to that play you need to see and write a review on. It’s way too long. There’s too much talking and the set isn’t that good. You have no idea what it’s about, but the blonde playing the mother is pretty hot and has been eyeing you across the stage for most of act 2. You figure you should stay for act 3. When the show ends you wait in the lobby for her to come out. You get up the courage to say “great job” to her, which she says thank you. You then say, “You wanna get some coffee?” But she can’t hear over the loud voices in the lobby. She smiles and nods. You walk away, a failure. On the way back you call your buddy who went to the (INSERT FRAT HERE) party. All you hear over the phone is people yelling and singing. The only words you can make out are “Meat” “Chocolate Pudding” “Threesome” and “Gary Busey”. You get back to your dorm, pop open a lukewarm Natty and watch “Drumline” on TBS…while you jerk off.


If you chose “C”
You know of (INSERT FRAT NAME HERE) party, but its initiation night, which means they wont let any “outside” guys in. You call your boys and show up anyway. On the way, you subtly walk with a bunch of hot sorority girls who are headed to the party. You get up to the front door where a small, stocky kid is waiting. He lets ALL of the girls your with in, totaling in about 20 people. When you and your friends are next to get in, the guy says “Who are you here with?” Your friends name a few names of guys they THINK are in that frat. The stocky asshole tells you “Sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave”. You get pissed, but you and your buddies have a plan. You run full speed to the door. You blow past the stocky asshole and make it inside, but are quickly removed by Bull, that 7th year senior on the wrestling team who’s in the frat. You get your ass kicked on the front lawn in front of the girl you want to bang. Broken, tattered, and beaten, you walk back to your dorm, open up a lukewarm Natty and watch “Drumline” on TBS. Its hurts too much to jerk off. You do it anyway, crying.

Sophomore Greg Zudinsky's claims on why this year will be different

Hey man. This year is going to be different. I'm a sophomore now, man. All the freshman girls are going to love me. That's why I'm staying at Thompson Hall again. Yeah guys, I know that Thompson is the main freshman dorm and all the sophomores who live there are kind of weird, but not me. I'm going to have an awesome time. I could be like, their mentor. Show 'em how to drink. Plus chicks dig older guys.
Its too bad you guys got that apartment together. I mean, yeah I would totally live there with you if it wasn't totally lame! J/K, J/K man. But it's like, why would you want to live in an apartment above a sandwich shop/ liquor store thats 2 blocks from the stadium when you can live in a dorm? Sure, yeah there's R.A's, but they totally wont do anything, man. Plus, you probably have weird neighbors. Meanwhile I'll be back in Thompson, Ja Rule on the stereo blasting, Guitar Hero on the TV. Sure, I wont have a fridge and a stove and dishwasher, but I don't need that. I think you guys are moving way too fast. Why would you want to cook your own meals when you can go to the dining hall? For free!
Plus, dude, I'll totally have a better chance at scoring than you all. I mean, yeah, I was kind of behind you guys last year, but now, like I said, I'll be swimming in poon. I mean yeah, I totally could have had sex last year, but I didn't. Everyone was doing it, so I figured I'd go a different way man, because Greg Zudinsky doesn't follow the crowd!
I might join that new Frat they are starting up. Its going to be all freshman, but they'll need me, because come the end of junior year, I'll totally be able to buy beer for them!
Yeah, this year's going to be awesome! You should stop by and see what you're missing...

...Alright, seriously guys, I'm not gonna front. Why didn't you let me in the apartment? I don't want to be stuck in Thompson again! Please guys, I know there's an extra bedroom. I don't want to be the weird guy again. Dude, seriously, this year is going to be worse than freshman year. I cant believe I was the only one not to bang someone last year. Oh man...please let me in the apartment guys...