CollegeHumor: User 113945's Articles

Your Favorite TV Characters iTunes' Celebrity Playlists

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 20:46:44 -0400

Jack Shepherd from LOST:

“Jungleland” by Bruce Springsteen
“The Island” by The Decemberists
“99 Problems” by Jay-Z
“Missed The Boat” by Modest Mouse
“The Others” by Alejandro Amenabar

Callie Torres from GREY’S ANATOMY:

“I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” by The Beatles
“Fat Bottom Girls” by Queen
“Brick House” by The Commodores
“Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie
“Fat” by “Weird Al” Yankovic

Edie Britt from DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES:

“Smack My Bitch Up” by Prodigy
“Nude” by Radiohead
“Wow, I can get Sexual Too” by Say Anything
“French Tickler” by Sonic Youth
“Femme Fatale” by The Velvet Underground and Nico
“Whores” by Jane’s Addiction

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113945"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/0/collegehumor.9ac6fe1f3b110b3449c9b7a01e67477a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113945">Andy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:74"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742989">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Letter From My Toilet

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 19:37:14 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Andy,

You're an asshole!

Love,
The Toilet

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113945"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/0/collegehumor.9ac6fe1f3b110b3449c9b7a01e67477a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113945">Andy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:74"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742875">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Billy Froman, 4th grade, Gets a Boner

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 00:26:47 -0400

Oh no, its happening again! Why? I don't get why we have these things. I bet girls have it easy. Apparently they just pee out of their buttholes because Ricky Jones, he's like, the coolest kid in school, snuck into the girls bathroom and said they all pee sitting down. Well what am I supposed to do? I cant pee now. It would go everywhere. There's got to be some mathematical equation for this. It just doesn't make sense. Its so...soft all the time and then, boom, hard.
What I really don't get is what this does? What can I do with this besides feel like an idiot? Maybe there's some kind of keyhole I can open when it's like this. Ugh, why even bother with it. I bet it'll last until lunch this time. I really shouldn't have worn sweatpants today. But, wait. Hmm, its seems that if I position it upward, I can tuck it in the waistband and it becomes somewhat invisible. Alright, I'm liking this. I can walk around all day like this. No one will notice.
Oh. Its getting softer. Softer. Hard again. Softer...

...Hard again.

View Article

Choose Your Own Adventure!

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 23:50:45 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Its Friday night in (INSERT TOWN HERE) at (INSERT SCHOOL HERE). What are your plans?

A) Pre-game in a friend’s room and call other people to see where the party is?
B) See that play you need to write a review on for your Intro to Theatre class?
C) Show up at a frat party you weren’t invited to?

If you chose “A”
You head over to (INSERT FRIEND’S NAME HERE) room and break out the Natty. There’s a few people in there, you watch a little ESPN, call some girls and see where they’re at. One of your friends asks you which Lacoste shirt looks better on him. After you got a good buzz going on, you get a call from a girl you want to hook up with. She tells you a list of things people are doing tonight. You say that she should come back to your room to see your (GUITAR/MOVIE/PENIS ETC). She agrees and in 15 minuets, she’s there. But, she’s pretty drunk. She stumbles over your things, knocks your guitar of its stand and pukes a little on the rug. She starts to pass out but luckily a friend comes and takes her off your hands. You think, “No problem, I’ll just go back to (INSERT FRIENDS NAME HERE) room and party”. But your friends have already left. “Fuck it” you say as you pop open a lukewarm Natty and watch “Drumline” on TBS…while you jerk off.

If you chose “B”
You head over to that play you need to see and write a review on. It’s way too long. There’s too much talking and the set isn’t that good. You have no idea what it’s about, but the blonde playing the mother is pretty hot and has been eyeing you across the stage for most of act 2. You figure you should stay for act 3. When the show ends you wait in the lobby for her to come out. You get up the courage to say “great job” to her, which she says thank you. You then say, “You wanna get some coffee?” But she can’t hear over the loud voices in the lobby. She smiles and nods. You walk away, a failure. On the way back you call your buddy who went to the (INSERT FRAT HERE) party. All you hear over the phone is people yelling and singing. The only words you can make out are “Meat” “Chocolate Pudding” “Threesome” and “Gary Busey”. You get back to your dorm, pop open a lukewarm Natty and watch “Drumline” on TBS…while you jerk off.

If you chose “C”
You know of (INSERT FRAT NAME HERE) party, but its initiation night, which means they wont let any “outside” guys in. You call your boys and show up anyway. On the way, you subtly walk with a bunch of hot sorority girls who are headed to the party. You get up to the front door where a small, stocky kid is waiting. He lets ALL of the girls your with in, totaling in about 20 people. When you and your friends are next to get in, the guy says “Who are you here with?” Your friends name a few names of guys they THINK are in that frat. The stocky asshole tells you “Sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave”. You get pissed, but you and your buddies have a plan. You run full speed to the door. You blow past the stocky asshole and make it inside, but are quickly removed by Bull, that 7th year senior on the wrestling team who’s in the frat. You get your ass kicked on the front lawn in front of the girl you want to bang. Broken, tattered, and beaten, you walk back to your dorm, open up a lukewarm Natty and watch “Drumline” on TBS. Its hurts too much to jerk off. You do it anyway, crying.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113945"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/0/collegehumor.9ac6fe1f3b110b3449c9b7a01e67477a.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113945">Andy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:74"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1740726">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

This Year is Going to be Different!

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 00:44:13 -0400

Sophomore Greg Zudinsky's claims on why this year will be different

Hey man. This year is going to be different. I'm a sophomore now, man. All the freshman girls are going to love me. That's why I'm staying at Thompson Hall again. Yeah guys, I know that Thompson is the main freshman dorm and all the sophomores who live there are kind of weird, but not me. I'm going to have an awesome time. I could be like, their mentor. Show 'em how to drink. Plus chicks dig older guys.
Its too bad you guys got that apartment together. I mean, yeah I would totally live there with you if it wasn't totally lame! J/K, J/K man. But it's like, why would you want to live in an apartment above a sandwich shop/ liquor store thats 2 blocks from the stadium when you can live in a dorm? Sure, yeah there's R.A's, but they totally wont do anything, man. Plus, you probably have weird neighbors. Meanwhile I'll be back in Thompson, Ja Rule on the stereo blasting, Guitar Hero on the TV. Sure, I wont have a fridge and a stove and dishwasher, but I don't need that. I think you guys are moving way too fast. Why would you want to cook your own meals when you can go to the dining hall? For free!
Plus, dude, I'll totally have a better chance at scoring than you all. I mean, yeah, I was kind of behind you guys last year, but now, like I said, I'll be swimming in poon. I mean yeah, I totally could have had sex last year, but I didn't. Everyone was doing it, so I figured I'd go a different way man, because Greg Zudinsky doesn't follow the crowd!
I might join that new Frat they are starting up. Its going to be all freshman, but they'll need me, because come the end of junior year, I'll totally be able to buy beer for them!
Yeah, this year's going to be awesome! You should stop by and see what you're missing...

...Alright, seriously guys, I'm not gonna front. Why didn't you let me in the apartment? I don't want to be stuck in Thompson again! Please guys, I know there's an extra bedroom. I don't want to be the weird guy again. Dude, seriously, this year is going to be worse than freshman year. I cant believe I was the only one not to bang someone last year. Oh man...please let me in the apartment guys...

View Article

A Conversation with your Inner Rapist

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 14:04:16 -0400

Setting: A small cafe. You sit there, nursing a hangover with a cup of black coffee. Your inner rapist enters and sits across from you

RAPIST: Wild night, I see.

YOU: Ugh. Don’t even get me started.

RAPIST: Hey man, I was only there to help.

YOU: Shut up! You were not. Every time I drink, you appear. Why can’t you just leave me alone?

RAPIST: I’ll leave you alone when you start taking my advice.

YOU: Your advice? Are you serious? You’re the one who told me to buy roofies. You’re the one who said “ No means yes”. I’ve gotten slapped so many times thinking that was true. Just stay away from me, rapist.

RAPIST: Whoa whoa whoa whoa. I would never rape a girl…unless she said no.

YOU: You’re disgusting!

RAPIST: I just want what’s best for you. Everyone has to work to hook up. Some harder than others. I’m just trying to make it easy for you. So, next time you’re at a party, don’t be so self-conscious, listen to what she says, and always use protection.

YOU: Wow rapist, you really lightened up.

RAPIST: Yeah, and then when she says stop or no or don’t, smash her head with a blunt object, preferably a lamp or brick.

YOU: I knew you’d never change.

RAPIST: Dude, I’m your inner rapist. What’d you expect?

Just then, a HOT GIRL you’ve always wanted to hook up with passes. She notices you.

HOT GIRL: Hey! How are you? You have fun last night?

YOU: Oh yeah. Hell of a time.

RAPIST: (Whispering) Smash her head with a brick! C’mon! Get that nut!

HOT GIRL: So, what are you doing tonight?

RAPIST makes blowjob gestures with his hands and mouth

YOU: Um, I don’t really know.

RAPIST: Fucking do it man. It’s been awhile since you fucked.

HOT GIRL: Well, you can come over my house. I’m having a little get-together.

RAPIST: Oh yeah! Rape that bitch!

YOU: (To Rapist) I’m not going to rape her!

HOT GIRL: What? Who are you talking to? Ugh. Stay away from me.

HOT GIRL exists

RAPIST: Dude? Why did you say that out loud? You never TELL a girl you’re going to rape them.

YOU: Fuck off.

Black

View Article

Bad Graduation Gift Ideas

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 21:36:22 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> A Briefcase: Oh, thanks Uncle Frank. You getting me this briefcase ensures that I’m supposed to work the same 9-5 office job that you've worked for that last 25 years while complaining about it and cheating on my wife with my secretary. (Sorry Aunt Jane)

“Planet Earth” on DVD: Am I that hard to shop for? How long did it take you to pick this out at Wal-Mart? Do you think that all I do is get high and watch the Discovery Channel? Well guess what, I DO! F*ck you for stereotyping.

“Planet Earth” on VHS: What the sh*t? There’s like 20 tapes. Get out of my sight Grandma.

Keep Reading

Fill in the Blanks: Finals Edition

Tue, 01 May 2007 01:38:36 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Well, its finals week here at University of ___1___. I was studying super hard for
___2___ 101 but I just couldn't cram it into my ___3___. I watched TV for little bit, but all that was on was a marathon of ___4___. My ___5___ test on Thursday will be really tough, but I bet I can get the answers from ___6___. I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to� ___7___ to take a break from studying, but she said she was ___8___ with a ___9___ and it would take her 3 hours to finish it. I went to the dining hall, got some ___10___ and then a bunch of mayonnaise fell out.� No one told me college was going to be this ___11___. I thought it was going to be all ___12___ and ___13___. Maybe I'll join a frat next year. Those guys know how to ___14___. Anyway, I have to keep ___15___ for ___16___ or I'll fail.

View Article

What's Going to Happen to My Relationship?

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 22:36:18 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hey high school seniors! Well, its that time of year to start thinking about how much your life is going to change when you go off to college. I’m here to tell you how much your relationship will change if you and your girlfriend go to different schools. Luckily, I have a lot knowledge on this subject.

If your girlfriend goes to school in the Northeast:

Your girlfriend will change, drastically. She’ll keep in touch for the first month of school, but then less frequently as she says she needs to attend “Art House Films” and “Poetry Slams”. She’ll start dressing only in black and write a play about the government. She’ll leave you for a French exchange student named “Jacques” who posts on a blog and smells a little bit like sperm. She’ll come back for Christmas break converted to Judaism and will smoke expensive cigarettes.

Keep Reading

Fill in the Blanks

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 00:30:56 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> So, last night I was ___1___ this chick and she ____2____. So I left, and I went Chad's house and we played_____3_____. Then around midnight, Chad went into the closet to get the ____4____ and we had fun with that for like an hour. I left after that and went to a pizza place where I ordered a ____5____. After I finished that, I got a call from Lindsey about a huge ___6___ on the edge of town. At the ___7___, I met this chick that could ____8____ and I wasn't weirded out by it. So I went back to my place with her and we ____9____ with a spoon for awhile, but then she ____10____ and had to leave so I told her to� ____11____ in the morning, but� I hope I never see her again. In the morning I ____12____ with a ____13____ and then played some xbox. I think I'll change my major to _____14_____ studies before next semester. One hell of a weekend.

View Article

The Adventures of Skip Bradley, RA on Duty - Episode Dos

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 21:19:35 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1:12am March 18th 2007
Abel Hall, University of Nebraska-Lincoln

�� I, Resident Assistant Bradley, responded to a call from the RD about a noise complaint on the 2nd floor (The ROTC floor). I arrived on the floor to see a resident passed out on the floor in military fatigues in the middle of the doorway, pants around his ankles with his behind in the air. Resident Assistant Faulk, the male RA on the floor said that there was a suspicion of drinking in room 244. I told RA Faulk to attend to the passed out resident on the floor. I knocked on room 244 and could here Nickelback’s “Far away” blasting from the stereo.
�� The music was lowered and a resident asked, “Who the fuck is it?” I responded, saying this was the active RA on duty and that the door needs to be opened.
�� After a few minutes of hearing muffled voices, I knocked on the door again. The door opened, and resident Flowers of the 2nd floor greeted me in full fatigues and a gasmask. He said that they were just practicing a drill and the loud music was used to simulate how loud a combat zone would be. There were five (5) other students in the room, all dressed in camo fatigues and wearing gas masks except for a female, who was wearing a camo bikini and a gasmask. There were American flags and pro Bush posters everywhere. I entered the room and noticed the screen on the window was broken. I looked out the window to see about a case worth of beer cans splattered on the sidewalk below. Resident Flowers said, “That’s not ours. We’re in ROTC. We don’t drink. We just broke the window by accident”. I asked to see inside the fridge. The residents told me that that was not going to be an issue and said that I should leave. As I was exiting to call CS, a resident regurgitated inside of his gasmask. I exited the room and called campus security, which responded very quickly. They entered the room and opened the fridge to find many canteens filled with alcohol. Also, the girl in the bikini was only 15 years old. Because it was Resident Flowers’ room, he was asked to go with CS for further questioning and also to fill out a police report. As he was being hauled off, he said, “You should be thanking me. I’m protecting our country. I’m a hero”. Let it be noted that resident Flowers is a first year student in the ROTC program, who hasn’t seen any military action.
�� As for the resident who was passed out in the hallway, he was taken to detox where he spend 12 hours. He received an M.I.P. and was given 24 hours of community service. At his interview with the RD, when asked why he made such bad choices of drinking in the dorms, he responded with “I was just being all I could be”.��

View Article

Spoiler Alert!

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 23:03:25 -0400

And now I'll spoil a bunch of movies because I love you so much (LOOK AWAY if you don't want to know):

The Titanic sinks at the end!

Anakin Becomes Darth Vader!

Bruce Willis is actually dead the whole time!

Verbal was Kaiser Soze and made everything up!

The guy on the floor wasn't dead at all, he was Jigsaw!

E.T. goes home!

All the Spartans die!

She Kills Bill!

They dress as a SWAT team and THEN they rob the casino!

Leonard doesn't really have short term memory loss!

The minors return to their parents!

Grandpa dies and she doesn't win the pageant!

Pearl Harbor gets bombed!

Billy gets killed while arresting Colin by the other guy in the dept who was friends with Colin. Colin kills him. Dignam comes back at the end and kills Colin!

Leigh Teabing was The Teacher!

They destroy the ring!

Kong falls off of the Empire State building and dies!

Lancelot gets arrested, Sir Robin and Sir Galahad fall into the bottomless pit and King Arthur and Sir Bedevere also get arrested!

Jack gets swallowed by the cracken and Captain Barbossa comes back!

ITS PEOPLE!

I'm sorry : (

View Article

The Adventures of Skip Bradley, RA on Duty - Ep 1

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 17:55:45 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 11:31pm March 1st, 2007
Abel Hall, University of Nebraska-Lincoln

Resident Williams reported to me that he was “bitch slapped” by resident Jameson in the fourth floor lounge during a heated game of “Dungeons & Dragons”. Resident Williams was the “Dungeon Master” master for this game and did not grant resident Jameson the opportunity to “level up” to a level 5 Druid with +4 charisma. Resident Jameson said that that wasn’t fair and demanded that Williams let him level up. Williams then said to “stop being a whiny peasant” and to shut up and play the game or he’ll have him “exiled to the 7th dungeon of Malafore”. Resident Jameson then took a Bawls energy drink and threw it in resident Williams’ face.
��

At this point, resident Williams stopped the game and told everyone to “go back to their lairs (dorms) and wait for this jackanapes to leave”. Resident Jameson then leapt across the room to Williams screaming a “spell” in some gibberish. He open-palm slapped resident Williams who did not retaliate. Williams did say that he was going to go back to his room to get his “bastard sword from the swamp of Essex” to “gut the tyrant Jameson”.
��

I, Resident Assistant Bradley, told both of them to go to their rooms and wait until the Resident Director could talk to them. I cited Resident Jameson with a write up for assault and notified campus security. CS came and did a full search of both resident’s rooms and found nothing. When asked if resident Williams had a sword in his room, he denied, saying that his Lord (father) did not let him have it in the dorms but would lead a full on attack to get it back.�

View Article

Synopsis for the Film "Stomp the Yard"

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 11:02:22 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> "Troubled" young guy from LA gets a second chance to make something of himself by attending a historic Black University in Georiga.

The line "They're stompin' the yard. Where you from?" comes up. The crowd goes wild

"Troubled" young guy reveals that he's a dancer, or stepper, or whatever they call it. Fraternity's compete over getting him to join them, almost looking like a gang war.

The film becomes "You Got Served" with a little bit of "Drumline". Nick Cannon probably has a cameo somewhere.

View Article