Cashier: "Welcome to McDonald's. What can I do for you?"

Hansen: "What can I do (long pause) for you?"

Cashier: "Excuse me?"

Hansen: "Do you come here often?"

Cashier: "I work here."

Hansen: "Do you think it's appropriate to be taking orders from minors?"

Cashier: "What?"

Hansen: "I'm talking about the Happy Meals you give out each day to innocent children."

Cashier: "Did I do something wrong?"

Hansen: (Pulls out a sheet of paper from his back pocket) "It says here that you want to "bleep" inside them and "bleep" all over their "bleep" faces.

Cashier: "Sir, that's a coupon for a Big Mac."

Hansen: "Is that what you call it?"

Cashier: "Am I in trouble for something?"

Hansen: "Do you know who I am?"

Cashier: "No."

Hansen: (Hidden camera crew appears from behind the walls and under the counters) "I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we're doing a story on child predators. Is there anything you'd like to say?"

Cashier: "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I WAS JUST TALKING TO THEM."

Hansen: "Well, you're free to leave whenever you want."

Cashier: "I still have 30 minutes on my shift."

Hansen: "We can wait."

30 minutes later

(Cashier exits McDonald's and is tackled and tasered by sixteen police officers in the parking lot)

Cashier: (Head slammed up against the pavement) "What the f*ck do you want?"

Hansen: (Coming from behind and kneeling down behind the cashier and whispering lightly in his ear) "I never did get that free Big Mac."

My summer vacation was very kool! Me and my dad played a lot 2gether. I'm not a little boy anymore he said. We played in mommy and daddy's bedroom. We played in my bedroom. We played in the back of his big red pickup truck when mommy was home. We did man stuff. It was scary at first then I got used to it. It was our little secret. I love my daddy. Daddy smokes sigarets when done playiing with me. Smoke is kool. I miss daddy. Mommy says daddy is gone from me for a long time. I saw him play cops and robbers with real life cops. He said he was giving me my bath. Cops looked very mad. Me and mommy live with grandma now. I'm very sad. Miss my daddy. Maybe we can play sometime Mr. Henry. I want a sigaret.

Christopher

9:30 a.m. Wakes up. Looks in mirror, but something is missing. Takes off shirt. "Alright, alright, alright."

9:45 a.m. Enters bathroom. Looks in mirror. Flexes. Brushes teeth without toothbrush or toothpaste.

10:35 a.m. Enters McDonald's.

McConaughey: "Little lady, you still serving breakfast?"

Cashier: "No, we stop at 10:30."

McConaughey: "Well, it would be a lot cooler if you did."

Cashier: "Sir, you're going to have to put on a shirt."

McConaughey: (Doing squat thrusts on the counter) "That's what I love about my body, man. I get older, it stays the same age."

11:30 a.m. Calls Paparazzi

McConaughey: "Bring your crew. I'm going for a run on the beach with my shirt off."

Paparazzi: "Matt, we already did a four page spread last week of you running with your shirt off. It's old news."

McConaughey: "Didn't you ever see Edtv? The world can't get enough of me."

Paparazzi: "Jesus Matt! That wasn't real. It was a movie."

McConaughey: (Doing sit-ups in living room) "It wasn't a movie! It was my life!"

12:15 p.m. Running on the beach. Stops to do push-ups on the sand without using his hands.

Spectator: "Holy sh*t, you're Matthew McConaughey. How the hell do you do that?"

McConaughey: (Waving his arms) "I see Angels. I see Angels in the Outfield. They give me special powers. You have to believe."

Spectator: (Laughing) "I totally forgot you were in that movie."

McConaughey: "I bet you didn't forget Danny Glover and Tony Danza were in it you bastard."

1:00 p.m. Right before Kickoff of University of Texas football game. Calls Bookie.

McConaughey: "This is John Anthony, the million dollar man with the billion dollar plan."

Bookie: "Matt, Two for the Money wasn't real. You're down $65,000. You need to stop."

McConaughey: "Show me the money. SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

Bookie: "You weren't even in that movie. Stop saying that."

McConaughey: "Put me down for five thousand. Hook 'em horns!"

4:00 p.m. Final Score: Texas 17, Marshall 35.

4:01 p.m. (Flexing triceps in mirror) "WE ARE MARSHALL!"

6:30 p.m. Girlfriend comes over for dinner

Girlfriend: "Matt, we need to talk."

McConaughey: "About my chiseled six pack?"

Girlfriend: "No, I think we should see other people. You really creep me out. We're having a nice dinner and you're not wearing a shirt and you smell like you haven't showered in days. I'm sorry Matt."

McConaughey: (Doing leg raises on the dining room table) "I see what this is all about. You want to know How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? I can respect that."

Girlfriend: (Screaming) "You're movies aren't real!" Whatever! I'm out of here. Goodbye Matthew."

9:00 p.m. Hops into bed. Opens up tabloid magazine to a picture of himself on the beach. Flexes stomach. "Alright, alright, alright. That's what I'm talking about."

9:25 p.m. Falls asleep shirtless.

You have entered your life as a young professional and whether you like it or not, dating has become a required step to get laid. In college, everything was simple and cheap. A date was no more than buying a girl a $3 cup, doing a keg stand, and having drunk sex while forgetting that you left a frozen pizza in the oven. Unfortunately, post-college sex is expensive. Whether it's renting a hooker for an hour or taking a stranger out to dinner, drinks, and a movie, getting laid is going to cost around $100.

The one advantage to "young professional dating" is diversity. In college, you are generally restricted to having sex with white, middle to upper class, 18-22 year-olds for a four year span. As a young professional, the entire spectrum of pussy is at your fingertips (or tongue for that matter). Keep an eye out for the following types of women if you're trying to save money and time on your quest to get laid.

Foreigners: Unfamiliar with our language and culture, foreigners are always looking for a local to show them the ropes. Take the opportunity to give a Saturday morning tour of the city and be prepared to over-accentuate your American accent. If life is anything like the porn industry, three Swedish bombshells will be in your bed by lunch.

Homeless: Nothing says low maintenance like a crack-head missing her front teeth and screaming obscenities under a dumpster. Once you've been kicked out of the bar for drunk and disorderly conduct, you'll consider this behavior kinky and arousing. Offer her a couple of dollars and she'll surely take you back to her park bench and give you the royal treatment. Nothing says romance like a night under the stars.

Cougars: While the MILFS get all the attention, consider the Cougar the sluttier, better looking step-sister. No need to go out searching because if they want you, they will find you. Always on the prowl, these women in their 40's want nothing more than a boy-toy to live out their adolescent fantasies. Remember that the younger you look the better chance you have of being pounced on.

Bachelorette Party: With dozens of single women drunk with their biological clocks running out, this is the easiest situation to get laid. Buy a round of shots, make a toast to finding love, and you'll have six girls on their knees before they can finish their chasers. Those lucky enough to f*ck the bride get the choice of going to Hell or ultimately appearing on the VH1 sequel of "Scott Baio is 45 and Single." I'll take hell any day.

1. Any conversation that starts with, "Remember that time about a month ago?"

Followed by:

2. "I think I'm going to keep it."

3. "Your friend has a big dick."

Followed by:

4. "I wonder what a black guy would feel like."

5. "Can you try one more time?"

Followed by:

6. "I didn't feel anything."

7. "I was drunk and it didn't mean anything."

Followed by:

8. "I think you should get tested."

9. "Were you in the shower?"

Followed by:

10. "Is that what it's supposed to look like?"