I'm an ideas man, and I like helping people. I guess that's part of the reason why I'm banned from the police and fire departments, but it's also the reason why I decided to create this column: to help you, the ignorant masses.

If you ever happen to be in a gunfight or a shootout, it's not a good idea to try to catch bullets with your teeth. It's a lot harder than you would imagine, and your adversary will more than likely be jealous rather than impressed.


Chemicals are almost never good to drink, no matter how nice they might smell or cool they may look. This is especially true with anti-freeze. Stick to Mountain Dew - I know it's a pain that you can't enjoy its crisp, refreshing zing below 32 degrees, but trust me: windshield washer fluid will give you pretty bad gas.



If you're driving a car and the brakes fail, don't use the horn. In that situation, it's acceptable to just scream a lot. If it's a bus then screaming probably won't work - tell people there's a bomb on board and you can't slow down. They will understand.



The solution to the problem of world peace is right under our noses or, rather, right on our backs. Free t-shirts! I'm pretty sure that's how they ended the Civil War, and we all know George Washington's political career began as a seamstress. It's in the fabric of our country.



Hang around with children or babies every once in awhile. You'll feel smarter, and you can laugh at them and they won't really care.



If you ever see God in a vision, just tell people you were on drugs. That way, nobody will think you're as crazy as you actually are.



They say necessity is the "mother of invention," but I see it as more of a "condom of having."



Go to college. If you don't want to, then just lie and tell people you do. Then, you'll have an answer for everything.

"Did you eat all my Doritos?"
"Yes, I'm in college."

"You peed on the seat again."
"Do I look like I care? I'm in college."

"My name is Detective Johnson. Did you stab the homeless man?"
"Duh, I'm in college."